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I think there's a difference between self-percieved "amount desired" and "amount REQUIRED for sanity." Eg I have a few friends who left to their own devices wo

I think there's a difference between self-percieved "amount desired" and "amount REQUIRED for sanity." Eg I have a few friends who left to their own devices would never make social plans and when I invite them to a BBQ they'll stand lamely to the side BUT at the end of the day they are much happier than if they sat home yet again. I am a mild case of this as well.

xeromal 3y ago
I think that's roughly similar. Being around social situations without having to interact still charges the battery.
- causality0 3y ago
  It's one reason why friend-group entertainment like podcasts or YouTube D&D campaigns are so popular.
  - falcor84 3y ago
    Could you please expand regarding podcasts - is meeting up just to listen to a podcast together a thing that people do?
    - causality0 3y ago
      No, I mean podcasts that are essentially a small group of friends shooting the breeze or talking about a specific topic. It lets you feel as if you're a member of an intimate social group but you have neither any responsibility for participation or ability to fuck it up and make people dislike you.
CTDOCodebases 3y ago
Just being around people could be the amount of social connection your friends desire. I think the comment you replied to is correct. Personally speaking not all social interaction is a positive contributor to one's sanity. Having the same shallow conversations over and over with different individuals while observing people express their narcissistic traits covertly within or over a group can have a corrosive effect on my sanity. A BBQ could be good but a bit intense for your friends hence their reaction. Maybe inviting them to a more intimate gathering e.g dinner with your own family or a couple of friends would allow them to engage more and allow them to have a deeper connection to others or yourself.
- Gene_Parmesan 3y ago
  > Having the same shallow conversations over and over with different individuals I'm ADHD-neurodivergent so I get the point here, but think of this phenomenon as verbal handshaking. The point isn't the subject matter of the conversation, it's everything else about the exchange. You could almost get the same effect just from spouting word salad at each other, the content doesn't matter. It's how people feel out others whom they don't know very well, with a lot of observation gathering going on. There's a social dance you typically need to go through before someone else will feel comfortable engaging you on a more personal level.
  - CTDOCodebases 3y ago
    Oh yeah I get that. My issue is that often it is a waste of time. The other person has no intention to reveal their personality, or they are using it as a filter to see what they can get out of you or even they are only engaging so as not to appear unsociable.
  - DropInIn 3y ago
    Heres the behavior I see repeatedly: People tell a story that matters to them. They do this with everyone they see. The next time you see them they tell you again. And the next time. And the next.... Ad nauseum... They don't care about You or that You specifically hear the story, evidenced by the repetition even after advising them of it, they are just narcissists self aggrandizing or whining about a an event they perceive as unfair. Theres no reason to engage with that behavior as it does nothing but encourage it, with the end result being a systemic harm to self and society. This behaviour is most common in extroverts ime, though thats likely due to the fact they are more visible than introverts in general.
    - CTDOCodebases 3y ago
      I must admit I have been guilty of doing this in the past. Rather than something negative though it was something positive. I think by telling it over and over it was a way to relive the experience or just express how great it was since I had no one with me at the time. In my case though I genuinely just forgot I told the people the story since I was telling it to everyone and (to me) it was an interesting story. Everyone was polite and didn't remind me that I have already told them the story until one person couldn't bear hearing it another time. It was only at this point that I became conscious of what I was doing. I know what you mean though. Mentally ill people have a habit of doing this. If you listen in on one talking to themselves you will hear a story of some personal trauma they experienced some time ago. Perennial victims also do this as a solicitation for love. While as a child we learn to express our bad experiences to our parents and receive love and affection in return. The problem is like drug addicts some people grow up to abuse this to lesser and lesser effect. When it comes to aggrandizing it can be funny to shut the person down by expressing your disinterest then immediately complimenting them on something trivial that you genuinely like or asking them the question about something you wish to know. Your comment reminds me of the phrase "People don't do things to you they do things in front of you." It expresses just how performative human behaviour can be at times.
xpe 3y ago
> ... I have a few friends who left to their own devices would never make social plans and when I invite them to a BBQ they'll stand lamely to the side ... You've had conversations with them about this? They admit to being happier? Do they want to engage more ... so when their foot / leg injuries heal they'll be able to walk comfortably to where the conservations are happening?

xeromal 3y ago

I think that's roughly similar. Being around social situations without having to interact still charges the battery.

causality0 3y ago
It's one reason why friend-group entertainment like podcasts or YouTube D&D campaigns are so popular.
- falcor84 3y ago
  Could you please expand regarding podcasts - is meeting up just to listen to a podcast together a thing that people do?
  - causality0 3y ago
    No, I mean podcasts that are essentially a small group of friends shooting the breeze or talking about a specific topic. It lets you feel as if you're a member of an intimate social group but you have neither any responsibility for participation or ability to fuck it up and make people dislike you.

CTDOCodebases 3y ago

Just being around people could be the amount of social connection your friends desire. I think the comment you replied to is correct. Personally speaking not all social interaction is a positive contributor to one's sanity. Having the same shallow conversations over and over with different individuals while observing people express their narcissistic traits covertly within or over a group can have a corrosive effect on my sanity. A BBQ could be good but a bit intense for your friends hence their reaction. Maybe inviting them to a more intimate gathering e.g dinner with your own family or a couple of friends would allow them to engage more and allow them to have a deeper connection to others or yourself.

Gene_Parmesan 3y ago
> Having the same shallow conversations over and over with different individuals I'm ADHD-neurodivergent so I get the point here, but think of this phenomenon as verbal handshaking. The point isn't the subject matter of the conversation, it's everything else about the exchange. You could almost get the same effect just from spouting word salad at each other, the content doesn't matter. It's how people feel out others whom they don't know very well, with a lot of observation gathering going on. There's a social dance you typically need to go through before someone else will feel comfortable engaging you on a more personal level.
- CTDOCodebases 3y ago
  Oh yeah I get that. My issue is that often it is a waste of time. The other person has no intention to reveal their personality, or they are using it as a filter to see what they can get out of you or even they are only engaging so as not to appear unsociable.
- DropInIn 3y ago
  Heres the behavior I see repeatedly: People tell a story that matters to them. They do this with everyone they see. The next time you see them they tell you again. And the next time. And the next.... Ad nauseum... They don't care about You or that You specifically hear the story, evidenced by the repetition even after advising them of it, they are just narcissists self aggrandizing or whining about a an event they perceive as unfair. Theres no reason to engage with that behavior as it does nothing but encourage it, with the end result being a systemic harm to self and society. This behaviour is most common in extroverts ime, though thats likely due to the fact they are more visible than introverts in general.
  - CTDOCodebases 3y ago
    I must admit I have been guilty of doing this in the past. Rather than something negative though it was something positive. I think by telling it over and over it was a way to relive the experience or just express how great it was since I had no one with me at the time. In my case though I genuinely just forgot I told the people the story since I was telling it to everyone and (to me) it was an interesting story. Everyone was polite and didn't remind me that I have already told them the story until one person couldn't bear hearing it another time. It was only at this point that I became conscious of what I was doing. I know what you mean though. Mentally ill people have a habit of doing this. If you listen in on one talking to themselves you will hear a story of some personal trauma they experienced some time ago. Perennial victims also do this as a solicitation for love. While as a child we learn to express our bad experiences to our parents and receive love and affection in return. The problem is like drug addicts some people grow up to abuse this to lesser and lesser effect. When it comes to aggrandizing it can be funny to shut the person down by expressing your disinterest then immediately complimenting them on something trivial that you genuinely like or asking them the question about something you wish to know. Your comment reminds me of the phrase "People don't do things to you they do things in front of you." It expresses just how performative human behaviour can be at times.

xpe 3y ago

> ... I have a few friends who left to their own devices would never make social plans and when I invite them to a BBQ they'll stand lamely to the side ... You've had conversations with them about this? They admit to being happier? Do they want to engage more ... so when their foot / leg injuries heal they'll be able to walk comfortably to where the conservations are happening?