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At college there was program where student volunteers would hang around high traffic areas and "cheer people up" by shouting at passersby to tell them they're l

At college there was program where student volunteers would hang around high traffic areas and "cheer people up" by shouting at passersby to tell them they're loved or whatever. Obviously, this only makes actually depressed and lonely students feel worse. It's exactly the kind of thing that someone who'd never felt depressed in their life would come up with, and when I mentioned this to some of the people involved in the program they were absolutely flabbergasted.

nordsieck 3y ago
> when I mentioned this to some of the people involved in the program they were absolutely flabbergasted. I think that a lot of people have a difficult time understanding that good intentions can lead to bad outcomes.
- stockboss 3y ago
  that's why there's the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"
- moffkalast 3y ago
  And an even more difficult time accepting that people will hate them for it regardless of their intentions. After all it's all to easy to lie about having good intentions, even to yourself. We're evolutionarily hard wired to do what's best for ourselves, which often includes being altruistic to gain more social acceptance. That's why being "lonely" is a problem at all, we feel emotional pain to get us to work with the group, since that's what's always meant longer survival.
- jimkleiber 3y ago
  And how hard it is to convince other people to believe in our good intentions.
- munificent 3y ago
  I think almost everyone understands that good intentions can lead to bad outcomes. But, also, everyone understands that good intentions can lead to good outcomes. Determining which is which is a very hard problem. One strategy might be, "Don't do anything unless I'm absolutely certain it will lead to a good outcome." If you do that, you'll miss out on many opportunities that would have good outcomes but who's certainty isn't up to your standards. So while the intention behind pointing out that good intentions can have bad outcomes is good, the outcome is bad.
swayvil 3y ago
Probably needed more strong eye-contact. Nothing induces positivity like shouting, big toothy smile, and strong eye-contact.
- guy98238710 3y ago
  That sounds positively scary. Also, there will be no eye contact unless both sides are willing to maintain it.
- charles_f 3y ago
  They just need to add more flair, right?
- stef25 3y ago
  Not sure if you're being sarcastic or not but I recently met a girl with an amazing smile and tons of confidence who stared in to my eyes for hours on end and it's exactly that which had such an effect on me.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
  - jakear 3y ago
    Most assuredly not the same as someone getting in your face as you're walking by as part of their generous volunteer effort to save you from your sorry life.
- spacemadness 3y ago
  I’m just going to add a “woosh” here for the literalists in the crowd replying to this.
  - swayvil 3y ago
    Wolves and monkeys do that when expressing threat and dominance. But we use it to say "hi, I want to be your friend". Hmmm. Reminds me of "interrogative greetings" : WHAT'S UP?! HOW YOU DOING??! WHAT'S GOING ON??!! My vision of the future is a big, smiling, full-eye-contact WAZZZUP!!!! in your face, forever.
NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago
The concept of "counter-intuitive" is completely absent in some people's heads, and for most of them, there is no soil there for the idea to grow.
HeckFeck 3y ago
For those volunteers, that is a great example of doing something to make yourself feel better at the expense of the others you're claiming to help. It's easy to imagine everyone is 'always loved' if you grew up in a stable, supportive family in a safe neighbourhood, but that is not the experience for everyone.
- kamikaz1k 3y ago
  That's a really cynical villainization of good faith effort. as the OP said, they didn't know better. Once they knew, did they keep going? In the end, I'd rather people try than not. Because I am observing that the more common trend is to not bother, because you're not going to get it right anyway.
  - HeckFeck 3y ago
    If you want to help someone, you'll put in some effort to find out what said person/group actually needs. Evidently the aforesaid volunteers did nothing of the sort, so I'll maintain my cynicism. If I say that I really care for the plight of conjoined twin myslexia sufferers, but just throw a big parade to raise awareness of them, while never asking the sufferers what they actually would like, what does that say about me? Ref: the Nurse Gollum episode of South Park. As an aside, if you've ever had people tell you they really care for you yet they never put any effort into communication/empathy/understanding, you'll recognise this pattern as the same. Basically, charlatans. They want the praise of doing good without any of the effort or risks.
    - rideontime 3y ago
      "Cynical villainization of good faith effort" is a great way to describe many South Park episodes, in fact.
      - dingnuts 3y ago
        When the road to hell is paved with good intentions, it's not cynical to point out where the road is going.
slifin 3y ago
Some people are completely blind to the negative externalities of motor vehicles Living near traffic noise increases your chance of stroke Probably not the best place to be putting impressionable young people looking for connection
- coldtea 3y ago
  I think that's basically off topic, and a very minor concern.
  - goodpoint 3y ago
    It's not minor at all as proven by scientific research.
    - coldtea 3y ago
      Still totally irrelevant. "Living near traffic noise increases your chance of stroke. Probably not the best place to be putting impressionable young people looking for connection" This isn't about _living_ near traffic noise (which is what has been "proven by scientific research). It's about some young people doing an event for a few hours in a city setting. The chances of young people in general having a stroke are near 0, and the concern of them having a stroke because they stayed near traffic noise for a few hours is so low and misguided, it doesn't even make sense. Might as well worry about falling pianos when standing near buildings. It's also doubly irrelevant, as the "high traffic areas" in the story refers to pedestrian traffic, not motor traffic. Simply, they set them up where many people pass, so they can find people to shout that slogan to.
- domador 3y ago
  I think the reference was to foot traffic, not vehicle traffic.
- some_random 3y ago
  First off, this was foot traffic. Second, not everything is about cars and bikes and shit, my god.
HumblyTossed 3y ago
Those are the same people who go on to work in HR and come up with ideas like having all the minimum wage workers chip in $50 for the CEO's birthday gift.
- supriyo-biswas 3y ago
  Is the anecdote you mentioned an actual incident that happened? I found [1] but it’s unverified, and it’s hard to believe it could occur because most places ban this kind of behavior due to the power dynamic between the employee and their manager. [1] https://www.newsweek.com/worker-refusing-contribute-towards-boss-birthday-party-cheered-1736443 https://www.newsweek.com/worker-refusing-contribute-towards-...
  - Linell 3y ago
    I can for sure confirm that this happens! It comes from good intentions, of course.
coldtea 3y ago
I think the frequent advice to lonely people to "go talk to a professional (therapist etc)" has the same kind of effect in such cases. A sense that they can't even have people for support as friends etc, and they need to pay someone to do it or at least have someone do it only as their job description.
- bshacklett 3y ago
  Perhaps, but it’s also often the best way forward if one can afford it (affordability is another rabbit hole entirely). The right therapist can make an incredible difference in quality of life and, for some, can be the only way of digging oneself out of the rut that they’re in. Having someone with an objective position who can help you see things differently is extremely powerful.
- Lendal 3y ago
  I never thought that. I knew seeking professional help was about trying to fix the underlying problem through therapy, not about paying for friendship. I'm in the process of doing this for the first time myself. I'm having a first consultation today and the irony is that talking to anyone, even a therapist, has increased my anxiety in the short term. But I believe it's necessary and I will get through it because I can't live this way anymore. There must be a better way to live. The reason I haven't done it earlier is because back in those days I had no health insurance and I knew it would be cost-prohibitive for me.
  - nick__m 3y ago
    I also get anxious before my therapy session and frequently feel drained afterwards but I found it to be quite beneficial and it gave me tools to deal with the existential dread that come with living with a partner who has metastatic breast cancer. I wish that your session will be as usefull to you as they are usefull to me. Even if I am a Canadian I am so grateful to have gold plated private drugs insurance as one drug she currently takes is not reimbursed by the public regime (they cost around 6000$cad/months) and neither are my therapy sessions but both are covered by my policy.
  - 3y ago
agumonkey 3y ago
It can work but for people too deep into depression it will indeed rub the lack of deep bond instead of boosting their morale.
myth_drannon 3y ago
My children's elementary school has a nicely painted chair in the school yard, I think they call it Friends Chair or something. If a kid has no friends or no one to play with, they are supposed to go and sit on that chair and someone will come and play with them. I don't think people who came up with this idea understood how it works.
- AlanYx 3y ago
  It's a fairly common thing aimed at younger kids (kindergarten, grade 1). Usually the idea is that there are fifth and sixth graders who volunteer as playground helpers and who draw the younger kids to play with them if they're alone. Then a few of the younger kids get jealous this kid gets to play with the older kids and join in too, and it mostly works.
  - doubled112 3y ago
    Maybe younger kids, but I could only imagine being harassed and ridiculed as an older kid sitting in the friend chair. It's like the difference when somebody gets hurt. Younger kids run to the hurt one to see if they're OK. The older kids tend to scatter and disappear as quickly as possible.
    - pedrosorio 3y ago
      > It's like the difference when somebody gets hurt. (...) The older kids tend to scatter and disappear as quickly as possible. Definitely not my experience growing up. I'm sorry.
- Workaccount2 3y ago
  Thanks to the good graces of the internet I can speak candidly about this. When I was young it was drilled into me about making sure everyone is accepted and has friends, all that. So I would be the kid who would go make friends with the lonely kid. But then I would learn why they don't have friends, and I wouldn't want to be their friend either. Which makes the whole thing even worse, because now you came to them and then left them. So I kind of gave up on it.
AlwaysRock 3y ago
Well... while this clearly didnt work on you... It may have for others. I can easily imagine someone who is on their own for the first time suddenly realizing they don't really know how to make new friends or talk to people. Someone shouts something positive at them, they respond and start a conversation, and from there a friendship might start. Is it going to happen every time? Nope. But lots of people are not going to initiate an interaction, even if they are lonely. If someone else does, though, they will engage. I'm saying this as someone who has pretty bad social anxiety, doesnt really like talking to strangers, and someone who has pretty bad depression.
- alpaca128 3y ago
  > I can easily imagine someone who is on their own for the first time suddenly realizing they don't really know how to make new friends or talk to people I can't. If you have trouble making friends that's obvious long before college. > But lots of people are not going to initiate an interaction, even if they are lonely. If someone else does, though, they will engage. People shouting nice words at me gives me the same vibes as a stranger asking "how are you?" as a greeting, just more aggressive and annoying. I may engage in a conversation but not if it's generic smalltalk.
  - boopbeepbop 3y ago
    I can, and this might have even worked for me in college. Everyone’s different, I guess.
    - AlwaysRock 3y ago
      Same. I played sports in high school and college but without that built in forced friend group I would have had a lot of trouble making friends. Something like this would have almost certainly broken me out of my introverted shell.
- some_random 3y ago
  >Someone shouts something positive at them, they respond and start a conversation, and from there a friendship might start. The trouble is that this very much isn't what was happening. There was no room to respond, and in general I they think they weren't even yelling at any particular person. You certainly could stop and talk to them, but anyone willing to do that wouldn't be the kind of person who didn't know how to start a friendly interaction.
rglover 3y ago
Just reminded me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_1FbjuJp4E https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_1FbjuJp4E
Spivak 3y ago
As a counterpoint I am clinically depressed, attempted suicide when I was in HS, and am generally a sad bop taken human form. At the time I still hadn't figured out the whole socializing thing and was lonely AF going off to college with no friends no support network. I joined one of those groups after running into them a bunch. While I was a member (and eventually officer) we were voted "best student org" so somebody clearly liked us. The majority of our group was definitely in the camp of "I want to give to other people the help I needed." We ran a stupid amount of events -- everything form mental health counseling with the campus counseling services people, collabs with a queer healthcare providers, open dinners with free catered food, cooking classes, open parties on weekends which alternated between dry/not-dry, sponsored (like one of their friends would contact us) dorm cleaning/decorating to deal with depression tornadoes, open study sessions during exam season, we had "rent-a-spotter" (obviously actually free) in the gym for people who didn't anyone to go with, a few of the guys were in the campus runners club so they did open morning jogs, holiday parties for people who couldn't or ya know couldn't go home, and yes standing in the quad with signs giving out high fives and hugs.
- some_random 3y ago
  That sounds like an awesome group and I wish that was what was happening at my college. If for no reason than to get a spotter for the weird times I worked out at hahaha. I'm curious how the high fives and hugs thing worked, because it sounds more uhh, consensual?
  - Spivak 3y ago
    I'm gonna temper myself here because there's always the chance that there was some quiet resentment and discomfort we never knew about but from the inside these events were super successful. You are absolutely right that consent was like priority #1, #2, and #3. We always set up somewhere where people could easily avoid us entirely if they wanted. There's never any pressure it was like like "happy Friday, high five!" very low-key and if they weren't into it just pretend it never happened. And that kind of thing did happen but it wasn't super common, we had a bunch of regulars who would seek us out, professors loved it. We could have done without these kinds of events but they were super visible and honestly the best marketing we had. We never pitched other events while we were there but it got people to recognize our fliers and look us up on IG/the club website.
intothemild 3y ago
Yes, Another way of looking at it. I always felt hungry all the time, it wasn't till i started taking Semaglutide that hunger totally go away. When that did the thing I found was an understanding of people who don't have as much hunger as I used to, all saying things like "just eat less". For those people who say Just eat less, they don't understand that for those who have a hunger issue.. that it's not making them feel any better. Same with people who feel lonely or depressed... "Just smile or something"... That does the opposite of what you want it to do.
- wpietri 3y ago
  Yeah, I often think that "just" is code for "I assume everybody else's experience is exactly like mine". I had a period of significant back problems and I can't count the number of people who said, "Why don't you just..." and then pop off with something painfully obvious. I never actually shouted, "Oh, having just arrived on the turnip truck, I was unaware of stretching. Thanks so much!" But damn, I sure did consider it.
  - OccamsMirror 3y ago
    I like to ask people how to spell said obvious thing. “Oh cool thanks for the suggestion. Yoga huh. Never heard of it. How do you spell it?” Try to maintain composure for as long as possible.
    - hinkley 3y ago
      Sleet? Isn’t that frozen rain? How would I make it sleet more?
  - NamTaf 3y ago
    Agreed. 'Just' is code for 'I don't understand the nuances of the topic at hand' in my books too, and it was here on HN in particular that I came to realise that. I now actively try to avoid using that turn of phrase, and when I catch myself about to say/saying it, I check myself and remind myself that I'm also susceptible to this blind spot.
dfxm12 3y ago
Is it obvious? Was it measured? I don't think being shouted towards counts as "being in other people's company" for the purposes of this article. I know I've felt depressed in my life. I can tell you, during those times, I almost certainty wouldn't have even noticed people shouting at me. At worst, it would have been a neutral effect, if it registered at all.
nmz 3y ago
I don't know if I'm depressed given I've never been a psychological assessment. But if I were down the road minding my own business and someone shouted this at me, my first thought would be "by who?". So this would be an immediate reminder of solitude.
jimkleiber 3y ago
I'm curious, as someone in my life seems to think I don't care about them, for those of you who have been in such depression, what have other people done that helped you realize they loved you?
- cpeterso 3y ago
  Different people express and experience/receive love in different ways. You need to understand your loved one's personal "love language": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages
93po 3y ago
I experienced something very similar. I was very lonely and very depressed at one point in high school and while sadly walking home one evening, a group of 5 or 6 high school girls enthusiastically approached me at a nearby shopping area and asked if I was ok. They asked who I was friends with and told them no one, really. Which was true and not just me being dramatic. They all cheerily told me they’d be my friends. Even though I mostly knew it was just lip service at the time, it still hurt to hear it and have it be dangled in front of me like that. Obviously I never heard or saw them ever again. This was right before cell phones were popular with kids so it wasn’t natural to ask for numbers bc most of us didn’t have one. As an uplifting note, I’m happy and much less lonely 20+ years later :)
BurningFrog 3y ago
One likely reaction: "Apparently everyone else is loved"
slothtrop 3y ago
Signaling to an in-group and projecting identity is the point of these actions. The results are abstracted away and don't matter to people who do this.

nordsieck 3y ago

> when I mentioned this to some of the people involved in the program they were absolutely flabbergasted. I think that a lot of people have a difficult time understanding that good intentions can lead to bad outcomes.

stockboss 3y ago
that's why there's the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"
moffkalast 3y ago
And an even more difficult time accepting that people will hate them for it regardless of their intentions. After all it's all to easy to lie about having good intentions, even to yourself. We're evolutionarily hard wired to do what's best for ourselves, which often includes being altruistic to gain more social acceptance. That's why being "lonely" is a problem at all, we feel emotional pain to get us to work with the group, since that's what's always meant longer survival.
jimkleiber 3y ago
And how hard it is to convince other people to believe in our good intentions.
munificent 3y ago
I think almost everyone understands that good intentions can lead to bad outcomes. But, also, everyone understands that good intentions can lead to good outcomes. Determining which is which is a very hard problem. One strategy might be, "Don't do anything unless I'm absolutely certain it will lead to a good outcome." If you do that, you'll miss out on many opportunities that would have good outcomes but who's certainty isn't up to your standards. So while the intention behind pointing out that good intentions can have bad outcomes is good, the outcome is bad.

swayvil 3y ago

Probably needed more strong eye-contact. Nothing induces positivity like shouting, big toothy smile, and strong eye-contact.

guy98238710 3y ago
That sounds positively scary. Also, there will be no eye contact unless both sides are willing to maintain it.
charles_f 3y ago
They just need to add more flair, right?
stef25 3y ago
Not sure if you're being sarcastic or not but I recently met a girl with an amazing smile and tons of confidence who stared in to my eyes for hours on end and it's exactly that which had such an effect on me.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- jakear 3y ago
  Most assuredly not the same as someone getting in your face as you're walking by as part of their generous volunteer effort to save you from your sorry life.
spacemadness 3y ago
I’m just going to add a “woosh” here for the literalists in the crowd replying to this.
- swayvil 3y ago
  Wolves and monkeys do that when expressing threat and dominance. But we use it to say "hi, I want to be your friend". Hmmm. Reminds me of "interrogative greetings" : WHAT'S UP?! HOW YOU DOING??! WHAT'S GOING ON??!! My vision of the future is a big, smiling, full-eye-contact WAZZZUP!!!! in your face, forever.

NoMoreNicksLeft 3y ago

The concept of "counter-intuitive" is completely absent in some people's heads, and for most of them, there is no soil there for the idea to grow.

HeckFeck 3y ago

For those volunteers, that is a great example of doing something to make yourself feel better at the expense of the others you're claiming to help. It's easy to imagine everyone is 'always loved' if you grew up in a stable, supportive family in a safe neighbourhood, but that is not the experience for everyone.

kamikaz1k 3y ago
That's a really cynical villainization of good faith effort. as the OP said, they didn't know better. Once they knew, did they keep going? In the end, I'd rather people try than not. Because I am observing that the more common trend is to not bother, because you're not going to get it right anyway.
- HeckFeck 3y ago
  If you want to help someone, you'll put in some effort to find out what said person/group actually needs. Evidently the aforesaid volunteers did nothing of the sort, so I'll maintain my cynicism. If I say that I really care for the plight of conjoined twin myslexia sufferers, but just throw a big parade to raise awareness of them, while never asking the sufferers what they actually would like, what does that say about me? Ref: the Nurse Gollum episode of South Park. As an aside, if you've ever had people tell you they really care for you yet they never put any effort into communication/empathy/understanding, you'll recognise this pattern as the same. Basically, charlatans. They want the praise of doing good without any of the effort or risks.
  - rideontime 3y ago
    "Cynical villainization of good faith effort" is a great way to describe many South Park episodes, in fact.
    - dingnuts 3y ago
      When the road to hell is paved with good intentions, it's not cynical to point out where the road is going.

slifin 3y ago

Some people are completely blind to the negative externalities of motor vehicles Living near traffic noise increases your chance of stroke Probably not the best place to be putting impressionable young people looking for connection

coldtea 3y ago
I think that's basically off topic, and a very minor concern.
- goodpoint 3y ago
  It's not minor at all as proven by scientific research.
  - coldtea 3y ago
    Still totally irrelevant. "Living near traffic noise increases your chance of stroke. Probably not the best place to be putting impressionable young people looking for connection" This isn't about _living_ near traffic noise (which is what has been "proven by scientific research). It's about some young people doing an event for a few hours in a city setting. The chances of young people in general having a stroke are near 0, and the concern of them having a stroke because they stayed near traffic noise for a few hours is so low and misguided, it doesn't even make sense. Might as well worry about falling pianos when standing near buildings. It's also doubly irrelevant, as the "high traffic areas" in the story refers to pedestrian traffic, not motor traffic. Simply, they set them up where many people pass, so they can find people to shout that slogan to.
domador 3y ago
I think the reference was to foot traffic, not vehicle traffic.
some_random 3y ago
First off, this was foot traffic. Second, not everything is about cars and bikes and shit, my god.

HumblyTossed 3y ago

Those are the same people who go on to work in HR and come up with ideas like having all the minimum wage workers chip in $50 for the CEO's birthday gift.

supriyo-biswas 3y ago
Is the anecdote you mentioned an actual incident that happened? I found [1] but it’s unverified, and it’s hard to believe it could occur because most places ban this kind of behavior due to the power dynamic between the employee and their manager. [1] https://www.newsweek.com/worker-refusing-contribute-towards-boss-birthday-party-cheered-1736443 https://www.newsweek.com/worker-refusing-contribute-towards-...
- Linell 3y ago
  I can for sure confirm that this happens! It comes from good intentions, of course.

coldtea 3y ago

I think the frequent advice to lonely people to "go talk to a professional (therapist etc)" has the same kind of effect in such cases. A sense that they can't even have people for support as friends etc, and they need to pay someone to do it or at least have someone do it only as their job description.

bshacklett 3y ago
Perhaps, but it’s also often the best way forward if one can afford it (affordability is another rabbit hole entirely). The right therapist can make an incredible difference in quality of life and, for some, can be the only way of digging oneself out of the rut that they’re in. Having someone with an objective position who can help you see things differently is extremely powerful.
Lendal 3y ago
I never thought that. I knew seeking professional help was about trying to fix the underlying problem through therapy, not about paying for friendship. I'm in the process of doing this for the first time myself. I'm having a first consultation today and the irony is that talking to anyone, even a therapist, has increased my anxiety in the short term. But I believe it's necessary and I will get through it because I can't live this way anymore. There must be a better way to live. The reason I haven't done it earlier is because back in those days I had no health insurance and I knew it would be cost-prohibitive for me.
- nick__m 3y ago
  I also get anxious before my therapy session and frequently feel drained afterwards but I found it to be quite beneficial and it gave me tools to deal with the existential dread that come with living with a partner who has metastatic breast cancer. I wish that your session will be as usefull to you as they are usefull to me. Even if I am a Canadian I am so grateful to have gold plated private drugs insurance as one drug she currently takes is not reimbursed by the public regime (they cost around 6000$cad/months) and neither are my therapy sessions but both are covered by my policy.
- 3y ago

agumonkey 3y ago

It can work but for people too deep into depression it will indeed rub the lack of deep bond instead of boosting their morale.

myth_drannon 3y ago

My children's elementary school has a nicely painted chair in the school yard, I think they call it Friends Chair or something. If a kid has no friends or no one to play with, they are supposed to go and sit on that chair and someone will come and play with them. I don't think people who came up with this idea understood how it works.

AlanYx 3y ago
It's a fairly common thing aimed at younger kids (kindergarten, grade 1). Usually the idea is that there are fifth and sixth graders who volunteer as playground helpers and who draw the younger kids to play with them if they're alone. Then a few of the younger kids get jealous this kid gets to play with the older kids and join in too, and it mostly works.
- doubled112 3y ago
  Maybe younger kids, but I could only imagine being harassed and ridiculed as an older kid sitting in the friend chair. It's like the difference when somebody gets hurt. Younger kids run to the hurt one to see if they're OK. The older kids tend to scatter and disappear as quickly as possible.
  - pedrosorio 3y ago
    > It's like the difference when somebody gets hurt. (...) The older kids tend to scatter and disappear as quickly as possible. Definitely not my experience growing up. I'm sorry.
Workaccount2 3y ago
Thanks to the good graces of the internet I can speak candidly about this. When I was young it was drilled into me about making sure everyone is accepted and has friends, all that. So I would be the kid who would go make friends with the lonely kid. But then I would learn why they don't have friends, and I wouldn't want to be their friend either. Which makes the whole thing even worse, because now you came to them and then left them. So I kind of gave up on it.

AlwaysRock 3y ago

Well... while this clearly didnt work on you... It may have for others. I can easily imagine someone who is on their own for the first time suddenly realizing they don't really know how to make new friends or talk to people. Someone shouts something positive at them, they respond and start a conversation, and from there a friendship might start. Is it going to happen every time? Nope. But lots of people are not going to initiate an interaction, even if they are lonely. If someone else does, though, they will engage. I'm saying this as someone who has pretty bad social anxiety, doesnt really like talking to strangers, and someone who has pretty bad depression.

alpaca128 3y ago
> I can easily imagine someone who is on their own for the first time suddenly realizing they don't really know how to make new friends or talk to people I can't. If you have trouble making friends that's obvious long before college. > But lots of people are not going to initiate an interaction, even if they are lonely. If someone else does, though, they will engage. People shouting nice words at me gives me the same vibes as a stranger asking "how are you?" as a greeting, just more aggressive and annoying. I may engage in a conversation but not if it's generic smalltalk.
- boopbeepbop 3y ago
  I can, and this might have even worked for me in college. Everyone’s different, I guess.
  - AlwaysRock 3y ago
    Same. I played sports in high school and college but without that built in forced friend group I would have had a lot of trouble making friends. Something like this would have almost certainly broken me out of my introverted shell.
some_random 3y ago
>Someone shouts something positive at them, they respond and start a conversation, and from there a friendship might start. The trouble is that this very much isn't what was happening. There was no room to respond, and in general I they think they weren't even yelling at any particular person. You certainly could stop and talk to them, but anyone willing to do that wouldn't be the kind of person who didn't know how to start a friendly interaction.

rglover 3y ago

Just reminded me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_1FbjuJp4E https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_1FbjuJp4E

Spivak 3y ago

As a counterpoint I am clinically depressed, attempted suicide when I was in HS, and am generally a sad bop taken human form. At the time I still hadn't figured out the whole socializing thing and was lonely AF going off to college with no friends no support network. I joined one of those groups after running into them a bunch. While I was a member (and eventually officer) we were voted "best student org" so somebody clearly liked us. The majority of our group was definitely in the camp of "I want to give to other people the help I needed." We ran a stupid amount of events -- everything form mental health counseling with the campus counseling services people, collabs with a queer healthcare providers, open dinners with free catered food, cooking classes, open parties on weekends which alternated between dry/not-dry, sponsored (like one of their friends would contact us) dorm cleaning/decorating to deal with depression tornadoes, open study sessions during exam season, we had "rent-a-spotter" (obviously actually free) in the gym for people who didn't anyone to go with, a few of the guys were in the campus runners club so they did open morning jogs, holiday parties for people who couldn't or ya know couldn't go home, and yes standing in the quad with signs giving out high fives and hugs.

some_random 3y ago
That sounds like an awesome group and I wish that was what was happening at my college. If for no reason than to get a spotter for the weird times I worked out at hahaha. I'm curious how the high fives and hugs thing worked, because it sounds more uhh, consensual?
- Spivak 3y ago
  I'm gonna temper myself here because there's always the chance that there was some quiet resentment and discomfort we never knew about but from the inside these events were super successful. You are absolutely right that consent was like priority #1, #2, and #3. We always set up somewhere where people could easily avoid us entirely if they wanted. There's never any pressure it was like like "happy Friday, high five!" very low-key and if they weren't into it just pretend it never happened. And that kind of thing did happen but it wasn't super common, we had a bunch of regulars who would seek us out, professors loved it. We could have done without these kinds of events but they were super visible and honestly the best marketing we had. We never pitched other events while we were there but it got people to recognize our fliers and look us up on IG/the club website.

intothemild 3y ago

Yes, Another way of looking at it. I always felt hungry all the time, it wasn't till i started taking Semaglutide that hunger totally go away. When that did the thing I found was an understanding of people who don't have as much hunger as I used to, all saying things like "just eat less". For those people who say Just eat less, they don't understand that for those who have a hunger issue.. that it's not making them feel any better. Same with people who feel lonely or depressed... "Just smile or something"... That does the opposite of what you want it to do.

wpietri 3y ago
Yeah, I often think that "just" is code for "I assume everybody else's experience is exactly like mine". I had a period of significant back problems and I can't count the number of people who said, "Why don't you just..." and then pop off with something painfully obvious. I never actually shouted, "Oh, having just arrived on the turnip truck, I was unaware of stretching. Thanks so much!" But damn, I sure did consider it.
- OccamsMirror 3y ago
  I like to ask people how to spell said obvious thing. “Oh cool thanks for the suggestion. Yoga huh. Never heard of it. How do you spell it?” Try to maintain composure for as long as possible.
  - hinkley 3y ago
    Sleet? Isn’t that frozen rain? How would I make it sleet more?
- NamTaf 3y ago
  Agreed. 'Just' is code for 'I don't understand the nuances of the topic at hand' in my books too, and it was here on HN in particular that I came to realise that. I now actively try to avoid using that turn of phrase, and when I catch myself about to say/saying it, I check myself and remind myself that I'm also susceptible to this blind spot.

dfxm12 3y ago

Is it obvious? Was it measured? I don't think being shouted towards counts as "being in other people's company" for the purposes of this article. I know I've felt depressed in my life. I can tell you, during those times, I almost certainty wouldn't have even noticed people shouting at me. At worst, it would have been a neutral effect, if it registered at all.

nmz 3y ago

I don't know if I'm depressed given I've never been a psychological assessment. But if I were down the road minding my own business and someone shouted this at me, my first thought would be "by who?". So this would be an immediate reminder of solitude.

jimkleiber 3y ago

I'm curious, as someone in my life seems to think I don't care about them, for those of you who have been in such depression, what have other people done that helped you realize they loved you?

cpeterso 3y ago
Different people express and experience/receive love in different ways. You need to understand your loved one's personal "love language": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

93po 3y ago

I experienced something very similar. I was very lonely and very depressed at one point in high school and while sadly walking home one evening, a group of 5 or 6 high school girls enthusiastically approached me at a nearby shopping area and asked if I was ok. They asked who I was friends with and told them no one, really. Which was true and not just me being dramatic. They all cheerily told me they’d be my friends. Even though I mostly knew it was just lip service at the time, it still hurt to hear it and have it be dangled in front of me like that. Obviously I never heard or saw them ever again. This was right before cell phones were popular with kids so it wasn’t natural to ask for numbers bc most of us didn’t have one. As an uplifting note, I’m happy and much less lonely 20+ years later :)

BurningFrog 3y ago

One likely reaction: "Apparently everyone else is loved"

slothtrop 3y ago

Signaling to an in-group and projecting identity is the point of these actions. The results are abstracted away and don't matter to people who do this.