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I chanced upon this article and found it thought provoking. I'm essentially starting from zero, as I moved from the big city into a rural mountain area 2 years

I chanced upon this article and found it thought provoking. I'm essentially starting from zero, as I moved from the big city into a rural mountain area 2 years ago by myself and only know a handful of people. So I've been wondering what was a good way to bootstrap a social network for someone that's just awkward around strangers. I also don't have family in this country. Things I've tried. Joining local sports groups, am told they're full because of too many new members lately. Working out at the local gym, this was actually how I met my first friend. I probably should go more often but I wanted to try out another gym. Going to local events, flea markets, etc. I see people I know and greet them, but they're usually already with other people and it's awkward interrupting them. I generally stick around and chat for a few minutes, then I just leave because it's just weird forcing myself into a group. Work out of a co-working space once a week. Took a bit of time to find the right venue. Most of the places I've been to, people stick to themselves. Finally found one where there's some kind of community. As an off shoot of the above, I'm looking for a gym near the co-working area so I have less excuses not to go.

groby_b 3y ago
> am told they're full because of too many new members lately. This is good. This is a group that works well.They likely can give advice on where to ask, and whom to avoid. "Aww, I would've loved to play with you. Sorry that didn't work out - do you have recommendations where I could look?" is a good request. > I generally stick around and chat for a few minutes, then I just leave because it's just weird forcing myself into a group. The chance that you are the only singleton is small - find the other ones, talk to them. But also, talk to people about their interest. E.g. on the flea market "Hey, that's such a gorgeous set of drawers you're selling, really admire it, bummer I can't make space" gives them an opportunity to tell you a story. (Most people like telling stories about themselves. Give them the space to tell you that story. Yes, both of these are freaking scary. (Well, they are to me, at least). But they are a good way to form at least a tenuous connection. And next time you see them, you have somebody you know. Especially in rural areas, folks often have deep networks and are roping you in once they have ascertained you are "safe" for group consumption. (Downside: Some of these deep networks in rural areas are super-cliquish. I've lived in a place that talked about people as "the new folks" when they moved there 20 years ago. You can become surface friends, but deep friendship in those places takes forever. Find the other "new folks")
waboremo 3y ago
I think you might just not be allowing time for the seed to sprout. You should be proud of doing some of the hardest tasks already, so focus more on planting the seed and letting it grow by regularly showing up and watering it. So much of networking is pure chance. Showing up to the same coffee shop, remembering that grocery clerk, going to the same gym every Tuesday, helping out with the same conference group. That repeated action creates a natural sense of trust between people so it becomes much easier to form connections. I've met people through volunteering, but I wonder would we have become friends if I didn't just keep showing up? Maybe the day we met they could have skipped volunteering because they had something else planned in their usual volunteer time slot, but since they chose to volunteer earlier in the day our schedules finally aligned. Those sort of thoughts, but it's happening all the time! The universe is strange like that. Fate I guess. It's not easy, especially as an adult, but really you just have to give yourself time to grow in whatever space you want to be in and let the universe do the rest.
cole-k 3y ago
I'd also like to give you kudos. I've been dealing with a similar thing, but for me part of the problem is the difficulty of even taking the first step. It seems like you've taken many first steps! I think there's an issue which you're avoiding that the article doesn't mention. In our world, you can send a text message to a friend halfway across the world and receive a reply instantly. I've found that it can be hard to forge new relationships when you can simply go online and find the comforting and enduring ones you've cultivated for years or even decades. It's a lot harder to force myself to make introductions at a party when I can whip out my phone and chat with someone I've known for ten years. It feels weird to say that someone who seems to be antisocial may actually be engaged in more simultaneous conversations - just none of them happening at that present location. But I think also that there are many (important) reasons to have relations physically close to you.
moneywoes 3y ago
In a similar cold start problem. Make me consider making social media accounts again

groby_b 3y ago

> am told they're full because of too many new members lately. This is good. This is a group that works well.They likely can give advice on where to ask, and whom to avoid. "Aww, I would've loved to play with you. Sorry that didn't work out - do you have recommendations where I could look?" is a good request. > I generally stick around and chat for a few minutes, then I just leave because it's just weird forcing myself into a group. The chance that you are the only singleton is small - find the other ones, talk to them. But also, talk to people about their interest. E.g. on the flea market "Hey, that's such a gorgeous set of drawers you're selling, really admire it, bummer I can't make space" gives them an opportunity to tell you a story. (Most people like telling stories about themselves. Give them the space to tell you that story. Yes, both of these are freaking scary. (Well, they are to me, at least). But they are a good way to form at least a tenuous connection. And next time you see them, you have somebody you know. Especially in rural areas, folks often have deep networks and are roping you in once they have ascertained you are "safe" for group consumption. (Downside: Some of these deep networks in rural areas are super-cliquish. I've lived in a place that talked about people as "the new folks" when they moved there 20 years ago. You can become surface friends, but deep friendship in those places takes forever. Find the other "new folks")

waboremo 3y ago

I think you might just not be allowing time for the seed to sprout. You should be proud of doing some of the hardest tasks already, so focus more on planting the seed and letting it grow by regularly showing up and watering it. So much of networking is pure chance. Showing up to the same coffee shop, remembering that grocery clerk, going to the same gym every Tuesday, helping out with the same conference group. That repeated action creates a natural sense of trust between people so it becomes much easier to form connections. I've met people through volunteering, but I wonder would we have become friends if I didn't just keep showing up? Maybe the day we met they could have skipped volunteering because they had something else planned in their usual volunteer time slot, but since they chose to volunteer earlier in the day our schedules finally aligned. Those sort of thoughts, but it's happening all the time! The universe is strange like that. Fate I guess. It's not easy, especially as an adult, but really you just have to give yourself time to grow in whatever space you want to be in and let the universe do the rest.

cole-k 3y ago

I'd also like to give you kudos. I've been dealing with a similar thing, but for me part of the problem is the difficulty of even taking the first step. It seems like you've taken many first steps! I think there's an issue which you're avoiding that the article doesn't mention. In our world, you can send a text message to a friend halfway across the world and receive a reply instantly. I've found that it can be hard to forge new relationships when you can simply go online and find the comforting and enduring ones you've cultivated for years or even decades. It's a lot harder to force myself to make introductions at a party when I can whip out my phone and chat with someone I've known for ten years. It feels weird to say that someone who seems to be antisocial may actually be engaged in more simultaneous conversations - just none of them happening at that present location. But I think also that there are many (important) reasons to have relations physically close to you.

moneywoes 3y ago

In a similar cold start problem. Make me consider making social media accounts again