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You attract what you advertise for. If you're advertising flashy, high-spending lifestyle, that's who you'll attract. But the women who are looking for long-te

You attract what you advertise for. If you're advertising flashy, high-spending lifestyle, that's who you'll attract. But the women who are looking for long-term stability will stay away. And vice versa. Of course, if you want the not-high-spending women, you need to have something other than money and flashy lifestyle to offer. I think some guys get hung up there.

scarmig 3y ago
It's interesting that future security, free time to spend with your partner and do housework, and hobbies don't count as something to offer (at least relative to a flashy lifestyle). But, yes, a guy needs to find an effective angle that's in demand on the relationship market.
- dingnuts 3y ago
  Maybe y'all just need to appreciate the value of working class women? I married a child of immigrants who is thrifty, values experiences over things, works hard, and appreciates that we want to live modestly so we can be free to retire as soon as possible! Together seven years, married for three. Maybe when I was dating I was passed over by materialistic women because I drove an old car and don't wear fancy clothes, but I see that as an absolute win! She teased me a little at first about how she "thought I was poor" because she didn't know how much an SWE makes and I was raised to find conspicuous consumption gauche. I just feel comfort knowing she chose me for me, not for my money. But I'm extremely lucky, and blessed. Maybe I'm an absolute outlier. There are no rules in the game of love
  - scarmig 3y ago
    There's lots of luck involved, which is always missing from these conversations. I've taken a similar route to you, and it's working out spectacularly, but, damn, it took a long while.
    - revelio 3y ago
      Same here. Wife is amazing: razor sharp, smart, beautiful, hard worker, happy to cook and help out around the home (we divide the tasks). Self employed, working class. Not particularly ideological, if anything she's conservative in the way self employed non-office workers often are (understands the value of money and stuff). She also teased me because when we first met she thought maybe I was poor (don't own a car and am happy to stay in cheap hotels when travelling for work), she also had no idea what high end SWE salaries could be. Same for her friends who were a bit suspicious at first that maybe I was borrowing money or something to buy her/us nice things. The wider world still hasn't really understood how well programmers can do, it seems. I guess because yeah there's no culture of flashing it around like in some other job sectors. They all expect bankers to be rich. And yeah, damn it took a while here too! Many years of searching to find her and in the end I got lucky.
  - M95D 3y ago
    There aren't enough women like that.
- breischl 3y ago
  The problem is the "future" part. It's hard to sell "I'll be great someday!" especially in a dating profile or anything like that, and particularly since people lie a lot in such situations (the infamous "foreploy"). To be fair, it would also be hard to sell "someday I will have a ton of cash to waste on flashy spending." But you can have hobbies and work/life balance now, and that can be attractive, albeit in a quieter way.
Gibbon1 3y ago
Women don't want a guy that is always broke. And they don't want a miser either. You want a signal that women will pick up on? Buy nice good quality shoes.

scarmig 3y ago

It's interesting that future security, free time to spend with your partner and do housework, and hobbies don't count as something to offer (at least relative to a flashy lifestyle). But, yes, a guy needs to find an effective angle that's in demand on the relationship market.

dingnuts 3y ago
Maybe y'all just need to appreciate the value of working class women? I married a child of immigrants who is thrifty, values experiences over things, works hard, and appreciates that we want to live modestly so we can be free to retire as soon as possible! Together seven years, married for three. Maybe when I was dating I was passed over by materialistic women because I drove an old car and don't wear fancy clothes, but I see that as an absolute win! She teased me a little at first about how she "thought I was poor" because she didn't know how much an SWE makes and I was raised to find conspicuous consumption gauche. I just feel comfort knowing she chose me for me, not for my money. But I'm extremely lucky, and blessed. Maybe I'm an absolute outlier. There are no rules in the game of love
- scarmig 3y ago
  There's lots of luck involved, which is always missing from these conversations. I've taken a similar route to you, and it's working out spectacularly, but, damn, it took a long while.
  - revelio 3y ago
    Same here. Wife is amazing: razor sharp, smart, beautiful, hard worker, happy to cook and help out around the home (we divide the tasks). Self employed, working class. Not particularly ideological, if anything she's conservative in the way self employed non-office workers often are (understands the value of money and stuff). She also teased me because when we first met she thought maybe I was poor (don't own a car and am happy to stay in cheap hotels when travelling for work), she also had no idea what high end SWE salaries could be. Same for her friends who were a bit suspicious at first that maybe I was borrowing money or something to buy her/us nice things. The wider world still hasn't really understood how well programmers can do, it seems. I guess because yeah there's no culture of flashing it around like in some other job sectors. They all expect bankers to be rich. And yeah, damn it took a while here too! Many years of searching to find her and in the end I got lucky.
- M95D 3y ago
  There aren't enough women like that.
breischl 3y ago
The problem is the "future" part. It's hard to sell "I'll be great someday!" especially in a dating profile or anything like that, and particularly since people lie a lot in such situations (the infamous "foreploy"). To be fair, it would also be hard to sell "someday I will have a ton of cash to waste on flashy spending." But you can have hobbies and work/life balance now, and that can be attractive, albeit in a quieter way.

Gibbon1 3y ago

Women don't want a guy that is always broke. And they don't want a miser either. You want a signal that women will pick up on? Buy nice good quality shoes.