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I'm teaching my daughters to view mistakes as learning something, not failing at something. It's amazing to see that it's becoming ingrained in their way of thi

I'm teaching my daughters to view mistakes as learning something, not failing at something. It's amazing to see that it's becoming ingrained in their way of thinking. When they forgot their favorite Littlest Pet Shop figures at church last weekend my youngest daughter's immediate reaction was "Dad, I learned to not bring my favorite toys with me in case I forget them". That was her actual way of letting me know we had left them behind. She was not complaining about it all, which I think is a great way to look at life. The way I teach them is in two ways: Whenever they show me something they have written or drawn I point out the spots where they have corrected mistakes i.e. by striking a word and say "Wow, look how much you learned!". And whenever they hurt themselves or mess up something bad enough to complain or cry about it, while I comfort them I ask "So, what did you learn?". I've done this consciously for several years now and it is interesting to see that it is actually affecting how they think.

mattdeboard 15y ago
Relatedly I go out of my way to teach my 8 year old that there's no such thing as "being good at" something, only things to which you've applied yourself enough. (Though in adulthood this might sound a little trite -- I'm no good at guitar for example -- in childhood it's absolutely true.) I think I'm going to steal your bit about failure being a lesson.
- martinkallstrom 15y ago
  That's excellent, I too want my kids to know that they can do or accomplish anything with sufficient preparation. I try to work into their vocabulary (as well as my own) to say/think "Wow that person has trained a lot" when seeing feats of skill. When they themselves accomplish something I try to say "seems you have trained a lot!" rather than "nice drawing" or whatever. Another hack I've applied in the way I talk with my kids is to sometimes say things that are obviously wrong. Starting with very obvious errors and as they grow older moving to more subtle lies about the way things work. If they don't catch the error I continue reasoning along the same line far enough into absurdity for them to get that I'm wrong. It makes them aware of questioning what people say and to think through themselves what is reasonable and what is not. And they now are very proud and happy whenever they are able to point out when I'm wrong about things. I also never, ever proxy them towards other adults. If we are eating at a café and they want a napkin or buy another pancake they have to talk to the staff themselves. When they want ice cream I give them money and they have to buy it themselves. Because it is such an asset to be comfortable talking to people and getting what you want. It makes them believe in their own abilities.

mattdeboard 15y ago

Relatedly I go out of my way to teach my 8 year old that there's no such thing as "being good at" something, only things to which you've applied yourself enough. (Though in adulthood this might sound a little trite -- I'm no good at guitar for example -- in childhood it's absolutely true.) I think I'm going to steal your bit about failure being a lesson.

martinkallstrom 15y ago
That's excellent, I too want my kids to know that they can do or accomplish anything with sufficient preparation. I try to work into their vocabulary (as well as my own) to say/think "Wow that person has trained a lot" when seeing feats of skill. When they themselves accomplish something I try to say "seems you have trained a lot!" rather than "nice drawing" or whatever. Another hack I've applied in the way I talk with my kids is to sometimes say things that are obviously wrong. Starting with very obvious errors and as they grow older moving to more subtle lies about the way things work. If they don't catch the error I continue reasoning along the same line far enough into absurdity for them to get that I'm wrong. It makes them aware of questioning what people say and to think through themselves what is reasonable and what is not. And they now are very proud and happy whenever they are able to point out when I'm wrong about things. I also never, ever proxy them towards other adults. If we are eating at a café and they want a napkin or buy another pancake they have to talk to the staff themselves. When they want ice cream I give them money and they have to buy it themselves. Because it is such an asset to be comfortable talking to people and getting what you want. It makes them believe in their own abilities.