6 ms·

> But the thing is, dating sucks. Wait, what? No, dating in person is awesome. New people, endless possibilities, women laughing at jokes, stories and anecdote

> But the thing is, dating sucks. Wait, what? No, dating in person is awesome. New people, endless possibilities, women laughing at jokes, stories and anecdotes your actual friends already heard 50 times, that slight rush with every approach, the new persona every time you're a little bored with your life... it's like travelling but less expensive and only takes an evening at a time. Online dating sucks because it turns all that delicate social interaction into comparing of compatibility lists while those lists go out the window two minutes into a conversation in real life. Dating sites completely lack the ability to transmit behaviour, mannerisms, social reflexes, looks (photos barely count), all those characteristics of a person that actually matter, and instead basically allow anyone to publish their dating resume.

m0nastic 15y ago
You bring up an interesting point, in that I stipulated that dating sucks as a fact, and that it never even occurred to me that it wasn't a universally held belief. Because I can't think of anyone, besides those Seduction knuckleheads, who enjoys dating. Single people I know hate dating. People in relationships I know see the end goal that justifies all the awfulness that is dating, but are happy to move past it. And people I know who were in relationships but are now single again (divorced predominantly)are horrified by the thought of being back there.
- Gravityloss 15y ago
  Do you think meeting new people in general sucks too? I think all the people I've managed to convince to meet me have been pleasant to hang out with. It's not so hard. There are a few scenarios that might seem bad. If you're trying very hard to make an impression, it can make the situation unnatural and you won't feel comfortable either. Another reason might be feeling disappointed if the other person is not attracted to you. I'm quite talkative and interested in many subjects though. If the other person plays along normally, it's easy to get laid back interaction. It would have been much harder to go on dates when I was 18. And probably the "opponents" have improved a lot too. I also respect other people's right to not be interested in me. We all have our own lives. For me the worst part is the early part when you're supposed to get some response out of the women, to get them to meet you in person. The yield is so low that it often feels like it's not worth the effort. I think I've gotten myself motivated when thinking of it as meeting a random, likely nice and potentially interesting person. And both of you can decide what happens after that. Most likely not much. But even then it's been a quite pleasant experience compared to sitting at home on a computer. Of all the people I've met through internet dating, I've ended up dating with one, am friends with many and don't keep contact with a few. But all have been positive experiences. If I reverse the "filter" idea and think about the women that have had the most influence on me, I'd say it'd be pretty hard to separate them from a general mass of good people. So the filtering has probably a really low probability roof. In keeping with the reverse problem theme, one could of course try the Bayesian approach. You take people who you know match and examine what makes it so you get a probable model. And then apply that model to unknown people. There are probably some general models (people like this are attracted to people like that) but also person specific models (this person is attracted to people like this).
- edanm 15y ago
  Anecdotaly, most people I know dislike dating. I never understand that point of view, because I love dating - pretty much for all the reasons the GP said. New people, new experiences, etc.
deleted 15y ago
[deleted]
LaGrange 15y ago
Nonono. Meeting new people is great. Dating sucks. Dating is a half-baked social ritual built around assigning way too much importance towards sexual relationships. I'll happily meet with new people for a coffee, at least as long as they didn't seem to be too annoying. Call it a date, and I'm much less willing, for many reasons, starting with plain appearances, and ending in the seriously limiting premise. And yes, I know you can start with a date but then switch into something less defined. I'd rather skip the date nonsense altogether. It's not to say that the coffee can't end with a nice coffee and toast in the morning, but "date" assigns way too much importance to that, and not enough importance to, say, building a funky website together, or just talking about mind-controlling ant fungus for half an hour.
- itmag 15y ago
  Maybe it's American dating culture. Where I live (Scandinavia) we don't do anything fancy. We just go for a coffee or "watch a video" at hers or your place.
  - LaGrange 15y ago
    I'm not American. The issues isn't the activity choice, it's the assumption about the goal of the meeting. I find that constraining. By the way, I just thought what I'd like to see in dating websites: (one, stop making them about dating, let's just make it 'meet people) when you get a message, add a button somewhere that says "the sender is being obnoxious". This (quietly) blocks the sender from messaging you (at least for some time), and adds to the user's obnoxious stat. Let's say that a conversation that involves more than 5 messages in a week adds to "interesting" stat. Once you messaged enough people (say, 10), and your obnoxious/interesting stat exceeds some value, you get told that up front, and won't be able to send more than, say, a message every two days until the stat improves.
    - itmag 15y ago
      That's really interesting! How would you prevent abuse, though?

m0nastic 15y ago

You bring up an interesting point, in that I stipulated that dating sucks as a fact, and that it never even occurred to me that it wasn't a universally held belief. Because I can't think of anyone, besides those Seduction knuckleheads, who enjoys dating. Single people I know hate dating. People in relationships I know see the end goal that justifies all the awfulness that is dating, but are happy to move past it. And people I know who were in relationships but are now single again (divorced predominantly)are horrified by the thought of being back there.

Gravityloss 15y ago
Do you think meeting new people in general sucks too? I think all the people I've managed to convince to meet me have been pleasant to hang out with. It's not so hard. There are a few scenarios that might seem bad. If you're trying very hard to make an impression, it can make the situation unnatural and you won't feel comfortable either. Another reason might be feeling disappointed if the other person is not attracted to you. I'm quite talkative and interested in many subjects though. If the other person plays along normally, it's easy to get laid back interaction. It would have been much harder to go on dates when I was 18. And probably the "opponents" have improved a lot too. I also respect other people's right to not be interested in me. We all have our own lives. For me the worst part is the early part when you're supposed to get some response out of the women, to get them to meet you in person. The yield is so low that it often feels like it's not worth the effort. I think I've gotten myself motivated when thinking of it as meeting a random, likely nice and potentially interesting person. And both of you can decide what happens after that. Most likely not much. But even then it's been a quite pleasant experience compared to sitting at home on a computer. Of all the people I've met through internet dating, I've ended up dating with one, am friends with many and don't keep contact with a few. But all have been positive experiences. If I reverse the "filter" idea and think about the women that have had the most influence on me, I'd say it'd be pretty hard to separate them from a general mass of good people. So the filtering has probably a really low probability roof. In keeping with the reverse problem theme, one could of course try the Bayesian approach. You take people who you know match and examine what makes it so you get a probable model. And then apply that model to unknown people. There are probably some general models (people like this are attracted to people like that) but also person specific models (this person is attracted to people like this).
edanm 15y ago
Anecdotaly, most people I know dislike dating. I never understand that point of view, because I love dating - pretty much for all the reasons the GP said. New people, new experiences, etc.

deleted 15y ago

[deleted]

LaGrange 15y ago

Nonono. Meeting new people is great. Dating sucks. Dating is a half-baked social ritual built around assigning way too much importance towards sexual relationships. I'll happily meet with new people for a coffee, at least as long as they didn't seem to be too annoying. Call it a date, and I'm much less willing, for many reasons, starting with plain appearances, and ending in the seriously limiting premise. And yes, I know you can start with a date but then switch into something less defined. I'd rather skip the date nonsense altogether. It's not to say that the coffee can't end with a nice coffee and toast in the morning, but "date" assigns way too much importance to that, and not enough importance to, say, building a funky website together, or just talking about mind-controlling ant fungus for half an hour.

itmag 15y ago
Maybe it's American dating culture. Where I live (Scandinavia) we don't do anything fancy. We just go for a coffee or "watch a video" at hers or your place.
- LaGrange 15y ago
  I'm not American. The issues isn't the activity choice, it's the assumption about the goal of the meeting. I find that constraining. By the way, I just thought what I'd like to see in dating websites: (one, stop making them about dating, let's just make it 'meet people) when you get a message, add a button somewhere that says "the sender is being obnoxious". This (quietly) blocks the sender from messaging you (at least for some time), and adds to the user's obnoxious stat. Let's say that a conversation that involves more than 5 messages in a week adds to "interesting" stat. Once you messaged enough people (say, 10), and your obnoxious/interesting stat exceeds some value, you get told that up front, and won't be able to send more than, say, a message every two days until the stat improves.
  - itmag 15y ago
    That's really interesting! How would you prevent abuse, though?