I don't know if you are being cynical or asking a rhetorical question, but let me ask another question out of curiosity: are there any open source, privacy-resp

I don't know if you are being cynical or asking a rhetorical question, but let me ask another question out of curiosity: are there any open source, privacy-respecting, non-data laundering, non-cloud-based, non-SaaS offerings which fit your requirements?