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> essentially powerless to do something about it given the family relationship Yeah, the fallout of telling a person they can’t drive is unreal. It took a coup

> essentially powerless to do something about it given the family relationship Yeah, the fallout of telling a person they can’t drive is unreal. It took a couple years to go from incredulity towards me to finally accepting that I’m not joking/grumpy/changing my mind. Some bad driving is so egregiously bad though that it can’t be chalked up as a lapse of judgement or something. There is a strange sort of entitlement to recklessness like you described (why in the world would you take your eyes off the road to talk!?), and we seem to take for granted the fact that we’re still alive despite flying around in metal boxes within feet of each other. I think some especially bad drivers are severely influenced by survivorship bias. They’re not dead yet so they must be fine/good at driving and different from the people who’ve had bad accidents already. But they’re only protected by very bad odds.

jacquesm 3y ago
I have a similar situation with an 87 year old family member that still drives and I've offered to be on call for chauffeur service or to pay for cabs or whatever it takes but they will keep doing it until they either die from other causes or get into an accident, which in my opinion is only a matter of time. So far I've managed to get them to rely on me for two really long rides and at least they no longer go on the highway. Highly frustrating because on the one hand I applaud the person for being that old and still self-reliant but on the other hand I am seriously concerned about other users of the road who are effectively in danger. And short of having them declared legally incompetent there isn't much that I can do beyond offer help.
- chubs 3y ago
  Sorry to hear about that situation :( Here’s how it played out in my grandmothers life: she was fiercely independent until she (likely) caused a crash in her late 80s, ended up in hospital, then was never properly healthy again, she spiralled down gradually. It’s just not good :( hope that doesn’t upset you.
  - jacquesm 3y ago
    It doesn't upset me and that's exactly what I think may well happen because it has happened like that many times before with other people.
- sroussey 3y ago
  My father is 87 and drives well. He is cognizant of his age and tries to only drive during the day and relatively short distances (I like 90min away and he is not visiting). My fear is that if there is a decline that I won’t see it, and at 87 he isn’t interested in a new car with more safety features.
  - tm-guimaraes 3y ago
    > and at 87 he isn’t interested in a new car with more safety features. The safety features of a new car might not offset the safety of the muscle memory of driving the old car. At that age and with declining capabilities, the "usual" might actually be safer than "safer but different". Since he seems mindful of his declining capabilities (he is restricting when and by how much he drives), i wouldn't worry too much, he would most likely stop driving on his own, just keep checking him.
- Timon3 3y ago
  We're going through a similar situation with my grandpa. He's a great guy and has driven so much through his life, but he's almost 90 and his body just can't handle the reaction times anymore. Still, he insists on driving, and gets irrationally angry if you even come close to questioning his ability. Like, he is a sweet man and is normally very nice, but the second you mention his driving it's like a switch flips and he is suddenly a child with a tantrum. It's gotten bad enough that we have to tactically lie to him to keep him from any unnecessary rides, but he will not stop if he doesn't have a wake-up call. Luckily he only drives very short distances which are all slow roads, but still, it's frightening to just be waiting for the day something bad happens. I wish I knew how to bring the topic up in a way we can really talk about it. I have tried being extremely empathetic and non-pushy and careful, which has helped with other topics, but just not on this one. If anyone has tips or ideas I'd love to hear them!

jacquesm 3y ago

I have a similar situation with an 87 year old family member that still drives and I've offered to be on call for chauffeur service or to pay for cabs or whatever it takes but they will keep doing it until they either die from other causes or get into an accident, which in my opinion is only a matter of time. So far I've managed to get them to rely on me for two really long rides and at least they no longer go on the highway. Highly frustrating because on the one hand I applaud the person for being that old and still self-reliant but on the other hand I am seriously concerned about other users of the road who are effectively in danger. And short of having them declared legally incompetent there isn't much that I can do beyond offer help.

chubs 3y ago
Sorry to hear about that situation :( Here’s how it played out in my grandmothers life: she was fiercely independent until she (likely) caused a crash in her late 80s, ended up in hospital, then was never properly healthy again, she spiralled down gradually. It’s just not good :( hope that doesn’t upset you.
- jacquesm 3y ago
  It doesn't upset me and that's exactly what I think may well happen because it has happened like that many times before with other people.
sroussey 3y ago
My father is 87 and drives well. He is cognizant of his age and tries to only drive during the day and relatively short distances (I like 90min away and he is not visiting). My fear is that if there is a decline that I won’t see it, and at 87 he isn’t interested in a new car with more safety features.
- tm-guimaraes 3y ago
  > and at 87 he isn’t interested in a new car with more safety features. The safety features of a new car might not offset the safety of the muscle memory of driving the old car. At that age and with declining capabilities, the "usual" might actually be safer than "safer but different". Since he seems mindful of his declining capabilities (he is restricting when and by how much he drives), i wouldn't worry too much, he would most likely stop driving on his own, just keep checking him.
Timon3 3y ago
We're going through a similar situation with my grandpa. He's a great guy and has driven so much through his life, but he's almost 90 and his body just can't handle the reaction times anymore. Still, he insists on driving, and gets irrationally angry if you even come close to questioning his ability. Like, he is a sweet man and is normally very nice, but the second you mention his driving it's like a switch flips and he is suddenly a child with a tantrum. It's gotten bad enough that we have to tactically lie to him to keep him from any unnecessary rides, but he will not stop if he doesn't have a wake-up call. Luckily he only drives very short distances which are all slow roads, but still, it's frightening to just be waiting for the day something bad happens. I wish I knew how to bring the topic up in a way we can really talk about it. I have tried being extremely empathetic and non-pushy and careful, which has helped with other topics, but just not on this one. If anyone has tips or ideas I'd love to hear them!