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You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep

You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep your core group close (and it's easier today with the Internet to keep in touch) then when you are able to get together (may be once a year!) you'l just pick it up like you hung out yesterday.

ri45 3y ago
I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for hours. It’s clear they no longer value the friendship and have moved on. Relationships need active effort from both sides to maintain, it’s over the moment one loses interest in maintaining it
- emodendroket 3y ago
  I think sometimes you get into a vicious cycle where it’s been a while and then it feels like you’re imposing to reach out or answer a message you let sit too long.
- nemo44x 3y ago
  Remember, you don't know what they're going through. Try calling at a time of day that makes sense. It's direct and synchronous. Ask them how they are and what's new in their life. Try and find time to meetup. Life gets really busy for people and they might see the commitment it takes as something they just don't have time for right now. Or maybe you've grown apart. You can always ask them if everything is alright between you both.
- tasuki 3y ago
  I'm often very late to reply, but somehow my friends put up with that. Late thirties, many friends for decades. Also I find it easy and fun to restart friendships after years of no contact. Perhaps my social circle is weird...
emodendroket 3y ago
But many of us didn’t, or didn’t have a great youth network in the first place. So you know, hopefully that’s not the only possibility.
- nemo44x 3y ago
  Yeah, that's a conundrum to be sure. It sort of feels logical that if you weren't successful at making friends during the prime years for that (youth, young adulthood) then there's not much reason to believe you'll have more success in the more difficult years. For example, I sort of maintain 2 friend tiers. Tier 1 friends are the "friends for life" I've made along the way. We all maintain a chatter and we may not see each other frequently but we do when the opportunity arrises and we just pick it up, totally natural, etc. This group is pretty much immutable at this point besides the death of friends along the way to our own death. Tier 2 friends are more like "friends of convenience". These types will drop in and out of your life for a variety of reasons. They're the kinds of people that are your wife's mom friends' husbands, work friends, neighbors, etc. You socialize on your better behavior and although you enjoy each others company, you're usually just meeting because of some convenience, like a BBQ or child's/their birthday, community event or w/e. Because the truth is this - most guys, by the time they either have created a family or are looking to create one, aren't looking for new friends. I'm not interested in trying to build new, deep relationships with other guys at this point. I have the family I've built, my core friends that I have real bonds with, and my acquaintances that we enjoy each other's company and would attend each others's funeral, but wouldn't speak at it. I think joining an organization is your best bet. Getting involved in something and becoming an active member in it. You need something that forms a common bond with other people looking for that sort of thing.
  - emodendroket 3y ago
    > I think joining an organization is your best bet. Getting involved in something and becoming an active member in it. You need something that forms a common bond with other people looking for that sort of thing. This is a great way to make friends (well, sometimes. Not always) but I think most of them are going to be "type 2" friends in your schema. You're probably right, not that many people are looking for new, deep friendships in adulthood if they're not transplants. But... that kind of seems like a flaw in TFA's premise as well. You can't just unilaterally decide you're going to orient your life around your friends if your friends aren't on the same page. To be fair I don't think I was "unsuccessful" at making friends when I was younger but for various reasons I didn't end up being able to stay in the same place as them and most friendships kind of wither if it's a whole trip that has to be planned to see someone.
ChrisLTD 3y ago
Not sure why you're being downvoted here.

ri45 3y ago

I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for hours. It’s clear they no longer value the friendship and have moved on. Relationships need active effort from both sides to maintain, it’s over the moment one loses interest in maintaining it

emodendroket 3y ago
I think sometimes you get into a vicious cycle where it’s been a while and then it feels like you’re imposing to reach out or answer a message you let sit too long.
nemo44x 3y ago
Remember, you don't know what they're going through. Try calling at a time of day that makes sense. It's direct and synchronous. Ask them how they are and what's new in their life. Try and find time to meetup. Life gets really busy for people and they might see the commitment it takes as something they just don't have time for right now. Or maybe you've grown apart. You can always ask them if everything is alright between you both.
tasuki 3y ago
I'm often very late to reply, but somehow my friends put up with that. Late thirties, many friends for decades. Also I find it easy and fun to restart friendships after years of no contact. Perhaps my social circle is weird...

emodendroket 3y ago

But many of us didn’t, or didn’t have a great youth network in the first place. So you know, hopefully that’s not the only possibility.

nemo44x 3y ago
Yeah, that's a conundrum to be sure. It sort of feels logical that if you weren't successful at making friends during the prime years for that (youth, young adulthood) then there's not much reason to believe you'll have more success in the more difficult years. For example, I sort of maintain 2 friend tiers. Tier 1 friends are the "friends for life" I've made along the way. We all maintain a chatter and we may not see each other frequently but we do when the opportunity arrises and we just pick it up, totally natural, etc. This group is pretty much immutable at this point besides the death of friends along the way to our own death. Tier 2 friends are more like "friends of convenience". These types will drop in and out of your life for a variety of reasons. They're the kinds of people that are your wife's mom friends' husbands, work friends, neighbors, etc. You socialize on your better behavior and although you enjoy each others company, you're usually just meeting because of some convenience, like a BBQ or child's/their birthday, community event or w/e. Because the truth is this - most guys, by the time they either have created a family or are looking to create one, aren't looking for new friends. I'm not interested in trying to build new, deep relationships with other guys at this point. I have the family I've built, my core friends that I have real bonds with, and my acquaintances that we enjoy each other's company and would attend each others's funeral, but wouldn't speak at it. I think joining an organization is your best bet. Getting involved in something and becoming an active member in it. You need something that forms a common bond with other people looking for that sort of thing.
- emodendroket 3y ago
  > I think joining an organization is your best bet. Getting involved in something and becoming an active member in it. You need something that forms a common bond with other people looking for that sort of thing. This is a great way to make friends (well, sometimes. Not always) but I think most of them are going to be "type 2" friends in your schema. You're probably right, not that many people are looking for new, deep friendships in adulthood if they're not transplants. But... that kind of seems like a flaw in TFA's premise as well. You can't just unilaterally decide you're going to orient your life around your friends if your friends aren't on the same page. To be fair I don't think I was "unsuccessful" at making friends when I was younger but for various reasons I didn't end up being able to stay in the same place as them and most friendships kind of wither if it's a whole trip that has to be planned to see someone.

ChrisLTD 3y ago

Not sure why you're being downvoted here.