6 ms·

I don't like anyone as much as I like my wife, straight up. It's incredible to have a partner that acts as my actual 'other half'. We are two sides of the same

I don't like anyone as much as I like my wife, straight up. It's incredible to have a partner that acts as my actual 'other half'. We are two sides of the same coin. It's an amazing thing. I can't, nor do I want to, get that close to other people.

layer8 3y ago
Not everyone gets that lucky, though.
- mydriasis 3y ago
  And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone. And you know -- maybe some people just aren't programmed like that. I happen to be. Maybe some people _do_ get more out of friendships than they would out of a relationship. Really very different strokes, you know? Wild.
  - layer8 3y ago
    I don't think the numbers are balanced. For any person A there may exist a great match B, but also there may be many other A' for which the same B is a great match, but perhaps not as many other alternative B'. Even if the numbers were balanced, finding each other is a major hurdle if you're not a mainstream type. In addition, people change over time, which can affect how good of a match two people remain. So most people compromise in one way or the other, and some for which the compromise would be too big stay single.
  - Mezzie 3y ago
    > And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone. Centering marriage and romantic relationships means that most people only consider romantic partners as their 'person'. My person is my baby sister. We live together, have co-mingled finances, make long-term plans (including possibly fostering or adopting children), etc. If we were more open to different relationship priorities, more people would find their 'person'. The focus on romantic sexual relationships above all else keeps people from finding their person because they don't consider all the possibilities!
    - mydriasis 3y ago
      That's a super interesting perspective, I hadn't thought about that -- thank you for sharing!
      - Mezzie 3y ago
        I also think the focus on romantic sexual relationships as the only viable path to support and love creates a lot of neuroses that ironically make partnering harder. People are obsessed with their looks, get jealous over their romantic partners' attention, etc. In the lesbian and gay community, it's also common to either deal with abusive relationships or commit too early because unless you're in a large city, this might be your only chance at partnering and if partnering is your only chance to be loved or supported, you just put up with it. (Bisexuals usually just date the opposite sex). There are certainly benefits to having your 'person' be your sexual partner: Sex helps with intimacy and hopefully creates a part of your life where you associate each other with pleasure. If you're of opposite sexes, you can have children that reflect both of you which makes parenting easier. It can also compensate for weaknesses in one's family or community of origin: somebody leaving a cult can find love. But there are benefits to other types of primary relationships as well. For me and my sister, for example: - No worries about the bedroom. We don't have to worry about staying sexy enough, our partners losing attraction to us, etc. Sex drives change over time and are finicky and hard to control. - We've literally known each other our entire lives. You can find this in a romantic partner but most people aren't marrying people they've known since they were four years old. - Related to the above, we come from the same environment and have a lot of the same touchstones which makes communication way easier. Instead of having to explain my entire childhood history and why I would be reacting a certain way to something, I can just say, "You're being like Mom. :( " and it's automatically understood. - Sibling bonds aren't dissolvable and are relationships of equals. You can hate your sibling, but you're always siblings. Marriages and romantic partnerships end. Parental bonds have power dynamics encoded in them. - Practically, us living together and pooling resources allows for maximization of inter-generational wealth building. Whatever our parents have - if anything - when they pass won't be split.
        3y ago
jvm___ 3y ago
That doesn't always happen though. I feel the most lonely when I'm alone with my wife. We can only have a back and forth conversation on topics that interest her, or the day to day of the house/kids, anything outside those things is just never discussed or is a one-way conversation that just dies. I was friendless and grew up with the same 15 boys until the end of highschool, never fit in. Married the first girl who showed me attention, because whatever she had going on was better than the nothing social life I had. Breaking up with her would put me back being the lonely awkward kid at my parents house. So now two kids and a mortgage later... realizing that being married to a 2/10 friend is very lonely. The Venn diagram of what I like to think and talk about covers what she likes to think and talk about, but we never talk about or do almost anything in my section of the diagram. Apparently this problem has been happening since time immemorial - from a This is Love podcast... Phoebe Judge: Many people say the first ever advice column started in the 1690s in England in a publication called The Athenian Mercury. People wrote in with very big questions like, is there a large part of the world still left to discover? The answer was just one word — yes. Someone wrote, “Who are wisest, those who marry for love or for convenience?” The answer was: There is no degree of wisdom in either, but they're both fools if they marry for one without the other. Love without the necessary conveniences of life will soon wear threadbare. And conveniences without love are no better than being chained to a post for the sake of a little meat, drink, and clothing. But if we compare the small degrees of each together, much love and moderate convenience is far better than the most plentiful estate with little or no love.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- maxdoop 3y ago
  Dude, this isn't "normal". "I'm most lonely when I'm alone with my wife" -- that is not healthy or good. I don't think your situation is applicable to the OP. As a counter, I feel most comfortable when I am alone with my wife. She is my best friend.
  - throwaway743 3y ago
    Same. My girlfriend of going on 7 years is whom I'm most comfortable around. Haven't popped the question yet because, a)I want to build my business first, and b) in my experience and observations at least 5 years of dating someone is great for knowing if things will be good going into the future. Know too many who have rushed into failed marriages, and only a few who rushed into successful ones
nathan_compton 3y ago
I don't really get this. I'm a 'wife guy' too, but I have no fear of the idea of having other close relationships. Obviously there are elements of my relationship with my wife that are exclusive to that arrangement, but almost by definition, having strong social ties to more people cannot hurt you.
- makeitdouble 3y ago
  What the parent is describing is not a "close" relationship, it's probably more binding. To pull out weird analogies, a mother and a fetus share the same system, they're different people but work as a single unit and need to survive together. I think some marriages are in that level of symbiotic relationship, and when it works it's incredible, when it fails it's really really messy. But it's pretty hard to explain to people that you're seeing the other person as an extension of yourself and think of their well being literally as your own.
  - mydriasis 3y ago
    You're correct, here. We're so close as to be one, which is wild. We are actual extensions of one-another, infinitely on the same page. It's really good stuff.
  - nathan_compton 3y ago
    The mother does not depend on the fetus for survival.
    - mydriasis 3y ago
      Perhaps not, but to answer Cher's question in the negative, I don't really believe in life after love. It really does feel like we're made for each-other, and I don't really want to experience life without her. She makes it all worth it.
seydor 3y ago
Most people don't know otherwise. For much of history family was secondary to public life
- robertlagrant 3y ago
  In what country? By public life, do you mean politics?
AnimalMuppet 3y ago
You don't necessarily have to get that close to other people. But your wife probably shouldn't be your only friend, either - or you hers. You can squeeze the life out of a relationship trying to make it the one and only thing in your life. People can't be that to other people. Instead, have your wife be your best friend. That's wonderful! But also have other friends. Keep making new ones as old ones drift away. And keep the friendship with your wife alive.

layer8 3y ago

Not everyone gets that lucky, though.

mydriasis 3y ago
And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone. And you know -- maybe some people just aren't programmed like that. I happen to be. Maybe some people _do_ get more out of friendships than they would out of a relationship. Really very different strokes, you know? Wild.
- layer8 3y ago
  I don't think the numbers are balanced. For any person A there may exist a great match B, but also there may be many other A' for which the same B is a great match, but perhaps not as many other alternative B'. Even if the numbers were balanced, finding each other is a major hurdle if you're not a mainstream type. In addition, people change over time, which can affect how good of a match two people remain. So most people compromise in one way or the other, and some for which the compromise would be too big stay single.
- Mezzie 3y ago
  > And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone. Centering marriage and romantic relationships means that most people only consider romantic partners as their 'person'. My person is my baby sister. We live together, have co-mingled finances, make long-term plans (including possibly fostering or adopting children), etc. If we were more open to different relationship priorities, more people would find their 'person'. The focus on romantic sexual relationships above all else keeps people from finding their person because they don't consider all the possibilities!
  - mydriasis 3y ago
    That's a super interesting perspective, I hadn't thought about that -- thank you for sharing!
    - Mezzie 3y ago
      I also think the focus on romantic sexual relationships as the only viable path to support and love creates a lot of neuroses that ironically make partnering harder. People are obsessed with their looks, get jealous over their romantic partners' attention, etc. In the lesbian and gay community, it's also common to either deal with abusive relationships or commit too early because unless you're in a large city, this might be your only chance at partnering and if partnering is your only chance to be loved or supported, you just put up with it. (Bisexuals usually just date the opposite sex). There are certainly benefits to having your 'person' be your sexual partner: Sex helps with intimacy and hopefully creates a part of your life where you associate each other with pleasure. If you're of opposite sexes, you can have children that reflect both of you which makes parenting easier. It can also compensate for weaknesses in one's family or community of origin: somebody leaving a cult can find love. But there are benefits to other types of primary relationships as well. For me and my sister, for example: - No worries about the bedroom. We don't have to worry about staying sexy enough, our partners losing attraction to us, etc. Sex drives change over time and are finicky and hard to control. - We've literally known each other our entire lives. You can find this in a romantic partner but most people aren't marrying people they've known since they were four years old. - Related to the above, we come from the same environment and have a lot of the same touchstones which makes communication way easier. Instead of having to explain my entire childhood history and why I would be reacting a certain way to something, I can just say, "You're being like Mom. :( " and it's automatically understood. - Sibling bonds aren't dissolvable and are relationships of equals. You can hate your sibling, but you're always siblings. Marriages and romantic partnerships end. Parental bonds have power dynamics encoded in them. - Practically, us living together and pooling resources allows for maximization of inter-generational wealth building. Whatever our parents have - if anything - when they pass won't be split.
      - 3y ago

jvm___ 3y ago

That doesn't always happen though. I feel the most lonely when I'm alone with my wife. We can only have a back and forth conversation on topics that interest her, or the day to day of the house/kids, anything outside those things is just never discussed or is a one-way conversation that just dies. I was friendless and grew up with the same 15 boys until the end of highschool, never fit in. Married the first girl who showed me attention, because whatever she had going on was better than the nothing social life I had. Breaking up with her would put me back being the lonely awkward kid at my parents house. So now two kids and a mortgage later... realizing that being married to a 2/10 friend is very lonely. The Venn diagram of what I like to think and talk about covers what she likes to think and talk about, but we never talk about or do almost anything in my section of the diagram. Apparently this problem has been happening since time immemorial - from a This is Love podcast... Phoebe Judge: Many people say the first ever advice column started in the 1690s in England in a publication called The Athenian Mercury. People wrote in with very big questions like, is there a large part of the world still left to discover? The answer was just one word — yes. Someone wrote, “Who are wisest, those who marry for love or for convenience?” The answer was: There is no degree of wisdom in either, but they're both fools if they marry for one without the other. Love without the necessary conveniences of life will soon wear threadbare. And conveniences without love are no better than being chained to a post for the sake of a little meat, drink, and clothing. But if we compare the small degrees of each together, much love and moderate convenience is far better than the most plentiful estate with little or no love.

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
maxdoop 3y ago
Dude, this isn't "normal". "I'm most lonely when I'm alone with my wife" -- that is not healthy or good. I don't think your situation is applicable to the OP. As a counter, I feel most comfortable when I am alone with my wife. She is my best friend.
- throwaway743 3y ago
  Same. My girlfriend of going on 7 years is whom I'm most comfortable around. Haven't popped the question yet because, a)I want to build my business first, and b) in my experience and observations at least 5 years of dating someone is great for knowing if things will be good going into the future. Know too many who have rushed into failed marriages, and only a few who rushed into successful ones

nathan_compton 3y ago

I don't really get this. I'm a 'wife guy' too, but I have no fear of the idea of having other close relationships. Obviously there are elements of my relationship with my wife that are exclusive to that arrangement, but almost by definition, having strong social ties to more people cannot hurt you.

makeitdouble 3y ago
What the parent is describing is not a "close" relationship, it's probably more binding. To pull out weird analogies, a mother and a fetus share the same system, they're different people but work as a single unit and need to survive together. I think some marriages are in that level of symbiotic relationship, and when it works it's incredible, when it fails it's really really messy. But it's pretty hard to explain to people that you're seeing the other person as an extension of yourself and think of their well being literally as your own.
- mydriasis 3y ago
  You're correct, here. We're so close as to be one, which is wild. We are actual extensions of one-another, infinitely on the same page. It's really good stuff.
- nathan_compton 3y ago
  The mother does not depend on the fetus for survival.
  - mydriasis 3y ago
    Perhaps not, but to answer Cher's question in the negative, I don't really believe in life after love. It really does feel like we're made for each-other, and I don't really want to experience life without her. She makes it all worth it.

seydor 3y ago

Most people don't know otherwise. For much of history family was secondary to public life

robertlagrant 3y ago
In what country? By public life, do you mean politics?

AnimalMuppet 3y ago

You don't necessarily have to get that close to other people. But your wife probably shouldn't be your only friend, either - or you hers. You can squeeze the life out of a relationship trying to make it the one and only thing in your life. People can't be that to other people. Instead, have your wife be your best friend. That's wonderful! But also have other friends. Keep making new ones as old ones drift away. And keep the friendship with your wife alive.