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As an adult, friendships keep passing by. All of a sudden a good friend "gets busy" or "life just happens". I really do not believe it anymore, even if people a

by ri45 3y ago

As an adult, friendships keep passing by. All of a sudden a good friend "gets busy" or "life just happens". I really do not believe it anymore, even if people are genuinely busy, the least they can do is spare a few seconds of their day to reply back to a text? After what can only be described as a long "sliding window" of maintaining multiple friendships, seeing one tail expire and me actively trying to build more, I am genuinely tired of this or being so emotionally invested with them. I just don't feel its right either talking to so many this devotedly to someone I have no intention of marrying. I'm looking for something deeper, as this article shows, a monogamous romantic relationship. I would like to have many children too. I don't think humans are built for multiple deep friendships. It also invites jealousy with the romantic partner. Being religious, "till death do us part" being expected out of marriage, I doubt these deep friends would go that far without the benefits of marriage. Marriage and kids seem to be the center of life in this otherwise busy world

bombcar 3y ago
I remember an old joke, here as mentioned on SNL: > “It’s hard to make friends when you’re an adult,” Mulaney said. “I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus. He has 12 best friends in his thirties, and they weren’t his wife’s best friends’ husbands.” You're lucky to have some "friendly acquaintances" (which you might call friends, but not speak to for years until you meet up again) - but one or two life-long friends seems to be a relative maximum unless you really set down roots in a small area.
rgbgraph 3y ago
Don't read into this question more than necessary: are you a "generic" American (non-immigrant, born and raised, family has been here for more than 3 generations, no strong ethnic ties) or primarily surrounded by "generic" Americans? I've found most of my long-term, "deep" relationships in the U.S. to be with immigrants/foreigners. With the "generic" Americans, I can get to the point of a friendly and jolly relationship -- but it never feels like "strong bonds" are part of their value system. For example, go to Latin America if you want a stark contrast to this. People are part of the value system.
- bigthymer 3y ago
  Are you a "generic" American? I'm simply asking to get a better understanding of your view.
  - rgbgraph 3y ago
    No, I’m half-and-half.
nemo44x 3y ago
You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep your core group close (and it's easier today with the Internet to keep in touch) then when you are able to get together (may be once a year!) you'l just pick it up like you hung out yesterday.
- ri45 3y ago
  I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for hours. It’s clear they no longer value the friendship and have moved on. Relationships need active effort from both sides to maintain, it’s over the moment one loses interest in maintaining it
  - emodendroket 3y ago
    I think sometimes you get into a vicious cycle where it’s been a while and then it feels like you’re imposing to reach out or answer a message you let sit too long.
  - nemo44x 3y ago
    Remember, you don't know what they're going through. Try calling at a time of day that makes sense. It's direct and synchronous. Ask them how they are and what's new in their life. Try and find time to meetup. Life gets really busy for people and they might see the commitment it takes as something they just don't have time for right now. Or maybe you've grown apart. You can always ask them if everything is alright between you both.
  - tasuki 3y ago
    I'm often very late to reply, but somehow my friends put up with that. Late thirties, many friends for decades. Also I find it easy and fun to restart friendships after years of no contact. Perhaps my social circle is weird...

by ri45 3y ago

bombcar 3y ago

I remember an old joke, here as mentioned on SNL: > “It’s hard to make friends when you’re an adult,” Mulaney said. “I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus. He has 12 best friends in his thirties, and they weren’t his wife’s best friends’ husbands.” You're lucky to have some "friendly acquaintances" (which you might call friends, but not speak to for years until you meet up again) - but one or two life-long friends seems to be a relative maximum unless you really set down roots in a small area.

rgbgraph 3y ago

Don't read into this question more than necessary: are you a "generic" American (non-immigrant, born and raised, family has been here for more than 3 generations, no strong ethnic ties) or primarily surrounded by "generic" Americans? I've found most of my long-term, "deep" relationships in the U.S. to be with immigrants/foreigners. With the "generic" Americans, I can get to the point of a friendly and jolly relationship -- but it never feels like "strong bonds" are part of their value system. For example, go to Latin America if you want a stark contrast to this. People are part of the value system.

bigthymer 3y ago
Are you a "generic" American? I'm simply asking to get a better understanding of your view.
- rgbgraph 3y ago
  No, I’m half-and-half.

nemo44x 3y ago

You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep your core group close (and it's easier today with the Internet to keep in touch) then when you are able to get together (may be once a year!) you'l just pick it up like you hung out yesterday.

ri45 3y ago
I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for hours. It’s clear they no longer value the friendship and have moved on. Relationships need active effort from both sides to maintain, it’s over the moment one loses interest in maintaining it
- emodendroket 3y ago
  I think sometimes you get into a vicious cycle where it’s been a while and then it feels like you’re imposing to reach out or answer a message you let sit too long.
- nemo44x 3y ago
  Remember, you don't know what they're going through. Try calling at a time of day that makes sense. It's direct and synchronous. Ask them how they are and what's new in their life. Try and find time to meetup. Life gets really busy for people and they might see the commitment it takes as something they just don't have time for right now. Or maybe you've grown apart. You can always ask them if everything is alright between you both.
- tasuki 3y ago
  I'm often very late to reply, but somehow my friends put up with that. Late thirties, many friends for decades. Also I find it easy and fun to restart friendships after years of no contact. Perhaps my social circle is weird...