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Good post (and hi Doug!). Here's my feedback: it seems like you've taken the phrase "feedback is a gift" to mean "it's always helpful to get feedback", which I

by jxf 3y ago

Good post (and hi Doug!). Here's my feedback: it seems like you've taken the phrase "feedback is a gift" to mean "it's always helpful to get feedback", which I agree is problematic for the reasons you've outlined. However, I understand that phrase somewhat differently. Namely, that it means "others are not obligated to provide feedback, and if someone does provide thoughtful feedback, they have given you the gift of their time and energy irrespective of whether you agree with it or not".

ElFitz 3y ago
So feedback would be gifts in the same sense as a Christmas gift. Sometimes you get a GameBoy Color. Sometimes you get a terribly ugly hand-knitted sweater from your grandma. Sometimes you get a shitty prank from your crap uncle who think he’s being funny. Sometimes the homeless person you found online and welcomed for Christmas Eve turns paranoid, becomes convinced your family wants to poison him, and just leaves screaming. And sometimes you get a lesson from your other uncle, the self-absorbed one with insecurities, on how Christmas is a meaningless made-up consumerist commercial event meant to make people feel obligated to spend money under false pretences and you are a loser for falling for it and he’s thus not being a prick just to make himself feel smart, but actually helping you grow. Out of loving altruism. Well, guess what, dear uncle? Almost everything is made up anyway. Your fragile ego included. Personal aparté aside, yes, you could say that feedback, in that sense, is indeed a gift.
- TeMPOraL 3y ago
  > Sometimes you get a GameBoy Color. Which, given we're almost quarter of the way through the 21st century, is a bit parachronistic. (Still, grandpa, I appreciate your effort; given that your understanding of technology ends at color CRT TVs and VCRs, a GameBoy Color is actually a surprisingly good pick. It may not be the Switch, but hey, it's still lots of fun!) > Sometimes you get a terribly ugly hand-knitted sweater from your grandma. Which is your favorite gift, because she made it to show her love for you, and it took her a third of a year to finish. Or it will be your favorite gift, after she passes away before next Christmas, and you realize this ugly sweater is what she spent some of her last bits of energy on. > Sometimes the homeless person you found online and welcomed for Christmas Eve turns paranoid, becomes convinced your family wants to poison him, and just leaves screaming. To which you react with a huge :eyeroll: and go back to finishing the dinner; some homeless have their demons, but at least this one got a chance to warm up, fill their belly, and enjoy some kindness - all of which means they'll still be around for Christmas Day, instead of being found dead in the morning, on a park bench, buried under 3cm of snow, killed by exposure after they stopped there to rest, just for a moment, on their way to whatever temporary shelter they were planning to sleep in that night. ---- I get your point. I want to balance it out a bit. Gifts, Christmas or otherwise, are often entirely different to what they may look like to an outside observer.
  - ElFitz 3y ago
    Oh, you’re definitely right. And it made me smile. I just thought that some examples, some of which most people would be able to relate to, some outlandish but real nonetheless, could help drive the gp’s point home.
- rmetzler 3y ago
  And sometimes you get a book full of games in a programming language a kid can understand and make a lifetime career out of it.
softwaredoug 3y ago
Hi John! Yes valid criticism. Though I do find many organizations and people use “feedback is a gift” to mean “all feedback is helpful” without much nuance. Writing a book makes you realize, statistically, how noisy feedback is. There are trends for sure. But you ignore 80% of it. Maybe 80% is too high for a performance review, but a good data point that one persons PoV on you is not gospel.
curioussavage 3y ago
I think you are just trying to be a contrarian. Even “thoughtful” feedback delivered at a bad time or in a bad way is not worth an ounce of gratitude. I dislike modern corporate feedback systems and philosophy intensely. They are driven by people who are in positions of power who love to believe the fiction that they got where they are due to their own “growth”. The big lie is that human beings can be treated like a business and growth can go up and to the right continuously. The reality is our performance or personal growth on just about any axis is full of ups and downs and plenty of long plateaus. And that’s ok. Obsession about feedback and goal setting is

by jxf 3y ago

ElFitz 3y ago

So feedback would be gifts in the same sense as a Christmas gift. Sometimes you get a GameBoy Color. Sometimes you get a terribly ugly hand-knitted sweater from your grandma. Sometimes you get a shitty prank from your crap uncle who think he’s being funny. Sometimes the homeless person you found online and welcomed for Christmas Eve turns paranoid, becomes convinced your family wants to poison him, and just leaves screaming. And sometimes you get a lesson from your other uncle, the self-absorbed one with insecurities, on how Christmas is a meaningless made-up consumerist commercial event meant to make people feel obligated to spend money under false pretences and you are a loser for falling for it and he’s thus not being a prick just to make himself feel smart, but actually helping you grow. Out of loving altruism. Well, guess what, dear uncle? Almost everything is made up anyway. Your fragile ego included. Personal aparté aside, yes, you could say that feedback, in that sense, is indeed a gift.

TeMPOraL 3y ago
> Sometimes you get a GameBoy Color. Which, given we're almost quarter of the way through the 21st century, is a bit parachronistic. (Still, grandpa, I appreciate your effort; given that your understanding of technology ends at color CRT TVs and VCRs, a GameBoy Color is actually a surprisingly good pick. It may not be the Switch, but hey, it's still lots of fun!) > Sometimes you get a terribly ugly hand-knitted sweater from your grandma. Which is your favorite gift, because she made it to show her love for you, and it took her a third of a year to finish. Or it will be your favorite gift, after she passes away before next Christmas, and you realize this ugly sweater is what she spent some of her last bits of energy on. > Sometimes the homeless person you found online and welcomed for Christmas Eve turns paranoid, becomes convinced your family wants to poison him, and just leaves screaming. To which you react with a huge :eyeroll: and go back to finishing the dinner; some homeless have their demons, but at least this one got a chance to warm up, fill their belly, and enjoy some kindness - all of which means they'll still be around for Christmas Day, instead of being found dead in the morning, on a park bench, buried under 3cm of snow, killed by exposure after they stopped there to rest, just for a moment, on their way to whatever temporary shelter they were planning to sleep in that night. ---- I get your point. I want to balance it out a bit. Gifts, Christmas or otherwise, are often entirely different to what they may look like to an outside observer.
- ElFitz 3y ago
  Oh, you’re definitely right. And it made me smile. I just thought that some examples, some of which most people would be able to relate to, some outlandish but real nonetheless, could help drive the gp’s point home.
rmetzler 3y ago
And sometimes you get a book full of games in a programming language a kid can understand and make a lifetime career out of it.

softwaredoug 3y ago

Hi John! Yes valid criticism. Though I do find many organizations and people use “feedback is a gift” to mean “all feedback is helpful” without much nuance. Writing a book makes you realize, statistically, how noisy feedback is. There are trends for sure. But you ignore 80% of it. Maybe 80% is too high for a performance review, but a good data point that one persons PoV on you is not gospel.

curioussavage 3y ago

I think you are just trying to be a contrarian. Even “thoughtful” feedback delivered at a bad time or in a bad way is not worth an ounce of gratitude. I dislike modern corporate feedback systems and philosophy intensely. They are driven by people who are in positions of power who love to believe the fiction that they got where they are due to their own “growth”. The big lie is that human beings can be treated like a business and growth can go up and to the right continuously. The reality is our performance or personal growth on just about any axis is full of ups and downs and plenty of long plateaus. And that’s ok. Obsession about feedback and goal setting is