4 ms·

This is really surprising, but also interesting to hear. I think there’s a lot of societal pressure to both get married and to have children, especially in the

by lukevp 3y ago

This is really surprising, but also interesting to hear. I think there’s a lot of societal pressure to both get married and to have children, especially in the south, where I’m from. Thankfully, my family never pushed these on me. I’ve been with my wife for 13 years now, and married for 8. It’s been an awesome experience for us, but I know neither of us considered marrying any of our previous partners. If we hadn’t found each other, I’m not sure I’d be married at this point. Marriage in and of itself should probably not be a goal. It’s contingent on finding someone who you really want to be married to. Having kids is the same way. It shouldn’t be the default, it should be the thing you do when you truly feel it would add value and meaning to your life, and be worth the tradeoffs you’re making. I hope that society moves more in the direction that both marriage and having children is something that you can choose to do, or not, and there’s not an implicit judgement on you for failing to meet norms that honestly don’t work out for the majority of people.

kitsunesoba 3y ago
> I think there’s a lot of societal pressure to both get married and to have children, especially in the south, where I’m from. I don't know where things stand now, but there was a similar pressure in Appalachia ~15 years ago. If you'd been out of high school more than a couple of years and hadn't gotten married or at minimum found someone you'd intended to marry, people would start asking if you were closeted or something, which seemed crazy to me — how on earth could I possibly find it a good idea to get married before I'd even had a chance to get some clue about how to function as an adult or figure out who I was? A lot of people succumb to that pressure. I think out of everybody in my class and the classes both before and after me I'm the only one who wasn't at least engaged by age 22.
- hotpotamus 3y ago
  If a society didn't find some way to last beyond the lifespan of a human, then it wouldn't be much of a society.
  - monissiddiqui 3y ago
    It's surprising how individualistic people are in developed countries. They are literally self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool! Just goes to show "smart" does not mean wise. Apparently making sure humanity doesn't continue on to the next generation isn't considered a moral responsibility. And they get salty wondering why religious communities will be the majority throughout time. I guess these governments will just keep rolling the dice on immigration and hope that one day sustainable birth rate patterns will just follow suit. Great strategy /s
    - kitsunesoba 3y ago
      I don’t mind doing my “part” for perpetuating humanity or what have you (though as the sibling comment points out, there are plenty of kids being born without my help), but what I was getting at in my comment is that it seems unwise to jump into that without first learning how to be a fully functional member of society and coming to know oneself, neither of which most people have managed to accomplish until they’re at least in their mid-20s. If I’d buckled to societal pressure and gotten married as an overgrown kid, the chances that the marriage would ultimately succeed would’ve been a lot lower which means a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil for everybody involved, including any kids. I don’t think it’s particularly selfish or unwise to aim for a successful marriage over getting married ASAP. If anything I find it thoughtless and selfish to rope somebody into a relationship you don’t even have the life experience to know if you’re ready for yet.
    - fineIllregister 3y ago
      > They are literally self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool! One person's genes are not that important to continuing humanity. > Apparently making sure humanity doesn't continue on to the next generation isn't considered a moral responsibility. Plenty of people are having children. World population is still growing. > And they get salty wondering why religious communities will be the majority throughout time. Religiosity has been declining and is expected to continue to decline. > I guess these governments will just keep rolling the dice on immigration... You say you are concerned with continuing "humanity", but "immigrants" don't count. People born outside developed nations aren't human to you?
- Obscurity4340 3y ago
  Makes me wonder if so much of the domestic craziness is rooted in people who fundamentally are only together to allay peer pressure and questioning of their sexuality. What a recipe for disaster all around.
  - kitsunesoba 3y ago
    I've wondered the same thing. There's no doubt a lot of people who aren't a good fit for each other or hadn't yet attained the requisite level of maturity, resources, etc to make things work who felt forced to marry in some capacity, and the fuses of individuals in such relationships will almost certainly be short. It's a setup for failure. I believe it's particularly bad for couples who got married under 26 or so, because due to the brain finishing up development and accumulating some real world experience, people tend to settle into who they'll be for the rest of their life at around that age and the change can be stark. It's not hard to imagine a couple who were wed at 20 and very much into each other drifting apart in their late 20s after that shift takes place.

by lukevp 3y ago

kitsunesoba 3y ago

> I think there’s a lot of societal pressure to both get married and to have children, especially in the south, where I’m from. I don't know where things stand now, but there was a similar pressure in Appalachia ~15 years ago. If you'd been out of high school more than a couple of years and hadn't gotten married or at minimum found someone you'd intended to marry, people would start asking if you were closeted or something, which seemed crazy to me — how on earth could I possibly find it a good idea to get married before I'd even had a chance to get some clue about how to function as an adult or figure out who I was? A lot of people succumb to that pressure. I think out of everybody in my class and the classes both before and after me I'm the only one who wasn't at least engaged by age 22.

hotpotamus 3y ago
If a society didn't find some way to last beyond the lifespan of a human, then it wouldn't be much of a society.
- monissiddiqui 3y ago
  It's surprising how individualistic people are in developed countries. They are literally self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool! Just goes to show "smart" does not mean wise. Apparently making sure humanity doesn't continue on to the next generation isn't considered a moral responsibility. And they get salty wondering why religious communities will be the majority throughout time. I guess these governments will just keep rolling the dice on immigration and hope that one day sustainable birth rate patterns will just follow suit. Great strategy /s
  - kitsunesoba 3y ago
    I don’t mind doing my “part” for perpetuating humanity or what have you (though as the sibling comment points out, there are plenty of kids being born without my help), but what I was getting at in my comment is that it seems unwise to jump into that without first learning how to be a fully functional member of society and coming to know oneself, neither of which most people have managed to accomplish until they’re at least in their mid-20s. If I’d buckled to societal pressure and gotten married as an overgrown kid, the chances that the marriage would ultimately succeed would’ve been a lot lower which means a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil for everybody involved, including any kids. I don’t think it’s particularly selfish or unwise to aim for a successful marriage over getting married ASAP. If anything I find it thoughtless and selfish to rope somebody into a relationship you don’t even have the life experience to know if you’re ready for yet.
  - fineIllregister 3y ago
    > They are literally self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool! One person's genes are not that important to continuing humanity. > Apparently making sure humanity doesn't continue on to the next generation isn't considered a moral responsibility. Plenty of people are having children. World population is still growing. > And they get salty wondering why religious communities will be the majority throughout time. Religiosity has been declining and is expected to continue to decline. > I guess these governments will just keep rolling the dice on immigration... You say you are concerned with continuing "humanity", but "immigrants" don't count. People born outside developed nations aren't human to you?
Obscurity4340 3y ago
Makes me wonder if so much of the domestic craziness is rooted in people who fundamentally are only together to allay peer pressure and questioning of their sexuality. What a recipe for disaster all around.
- kitsunesoba 3y ago
  I've wondered the same thing. There's no doubt a lot of people who aren't a good fit for each other or hadn't yet attained the requisite level of maturity, resources, etc to make things work who felt forced to marry in some capacity, and the fuses of individuals in such relationships will almost certainly be short. It's a setup for failure. I believe it's particularly bad for couples who got married under 26 or so, because due to the brain finishing up development and accumulating some real world experience, people tend to settle into who they'll be for the rest of their life at around that age and the change can be stark. It's not hard to imagine a couple who were wed at 20 and very much into each other drifting apart in their late 20s after that shift takes place.