5 ms·

I wonder if it relates to the decline in fertility in the last few decades. Is having kids a motivation for marriage? Could it be the other way around?

by mkl95 3y ago

bckr 3y ago
I think it has more to do with the decline in religiosity in the US. Why get married? Typically there’s a wedding. That’s a ceremony involving you, your partner, both partners’ family and friends, and a religious and/or civic authority. You’re throwing a big party saying “we are committed to each other”. When you’re very religious, this is required to become partnered and accepted as an adult in the community. When you’re not religious, this is an incredibly expensive way of getting a bunch of other people involved in your relationship, which has a 50/50 chance of ending despite the life vows. For some it might be beautiful. For others, there’s just no real point to it. Personally, I’d be interested in a ceremony celebrating a commitment to cohabitation and partnership that sheds the baggage of a wedding and marriage. Something like a domestic partnership housewarming party.
- paulryanrogers 3y ago
  > I'd be interested in a ceremony celebrating a commitment to cohabitation and partnership that sheds the baggage of a wedding and marriage. Especially if it didn't involve renting a venue, 25% mark ups, hurt feelings from non-invited folks, decades of expectation building, and an industrial complex focused on money extraction.
  - bckr 3y ago
    Precisely
  - ux-app 3y ago
    ehh, it's a choice to buy into any of that bullshit. we eloped $3,000km away to the tropics to get married. it was more of a holiday with a wedding day thrown in. we loosely, no expectations, invited a few friends and family and were pleasantly surprised to find 30 people met us there. The whole thing, holiday and all cost us around $10k and was a total blast. I found the traditional wedding day routine to be super claustrophobic and rigid.
    - paulryanrogers 3y ago
      The industry says weddings are "all about the bride", and IME the marketing seems almost exclusively targeting women and their anxiety. So it may be challenging to find a partner similarly minded.
- julianeon 3y ago
  I commend you for writing the first comment I can relate to! Unmarried* and been w/my partner for 10 years. (not counting common law marriage, aka state deciding after >4 years of cohabitation we are by default married, which would apply now) This is the real logic that explains why we never got married. Why spend the money on it? People here say 'think about the people in your life' - but for me, that gets a shoulder shrug. I'd see my parents the same amount, I see other relatives an appropriate amount, I see my friends when I want; frankly I'd rather save the money and spare myself the hassle. Now you could say "you could go to the courthouse" but, again, shoulder shrug. We could also not, which takes less effort. So we never got married. Simple as that.

I wonder if it relates to the decline in fertility in the last few decades. Is having kids a motivation for marriage? Could it be the other way around?

by mkl95 3y ago

I wonder if it relates to the decline in fertility in the last few decades. Is having kids a motivation for marriage? Could it be the other way around?

bckr 3y ago

I think it has more to do with the decline in religiosity in the US. Why get married? Typically there’s a wedding. That’s a ceremony involving you, your partner, both partners’ family and friends, and a religious and/or civic authority. You’re throwing a big party saying “we are committed to each other”. When you’re very religious, this is required to become partnered and accepted as an adult in the community. When you’re not religious, this is an incredibly expensive way of getting a bunch of other people involved in your relationship, which has a 50/50 chance of ending despite the life vows. For some it might be beautiful. For others, there’s just no real point to it. Personally, I’d be interested in a ceremony celebrating a commitment to cohabitation and partnership that sheds the baggage of a wedding and marriage. Something like a domestic partnership housewarming party.

paulryanrogers 3y ago
> I'd be interested in a ceremony celebrating a commitment to cohabitation and partnership that sheds the baggage of a wedding and marriage. Especially if it didn't involve renting a venue, 25% mark ups, hurt feelings from non-invited folks, decades of expectation building, and an industrial complex focused on money extraction.
- bckr 3y ago
  Precisely
- ux-app 3y ago
  ehh, it's a choice to buy into any of that bullshit. we eloped $3,000km away to the tropics to get married. it was more of a holiday with a wedding day thrown in. we loosely, no expectations, invited a few friends and family and were pleasantly surprised to find 30 people met us there. The whole thing, holiday and all cost us around $10k and was a total blast. I found the traditional wedding day routine to be super claustrophobic and rigid.
  - paulryanrogers 3y ago
    The industry says weddings are "all about the bride", and IME the marketing seems almost exclusively targeting women and their anxiety. So it may be challenging to find a partner similarly minded.
julianeon 3y ago
I commend you for writing the first comment I can relate to! Unmarried* and been w/my partner for 10 years. (not counting common law marriage, aka state deciding after >4 years of cohabitation we are by default married, which would apply now) This is the real logic that explains why we never got married. Why spend the money on it? People here say 'think about the people in your life' - but for me, that gets a shoulder shrug. I'd see my parents the same amount, I see other relatives an appropriate amount, I see my friends when I want; frankly I'd rather save the money and spare myself the hassle. Now you could say "you could go to the courthouse" but, again, shoulder shrug. We could also not, which takes less effort. So we never got married. Simple as that.