4 ms·

The author sort of touches on this, although doesn't state it outright (but does refer to compromise) - > And that's really hard to do; I don't have any perfec

by dymk 3y ago

The author sort of touches on this, although doesn't state it outright (but does refer to compromise) - > And that's really hard to do; I don't have any perfect answers for that; it's communication and compromise. But I generally agree with you. There's a big difference between compromise and letting things go. The author kind of implies that they can't do the latter, and that it's bad to do so ("Well, that seems generous, but it's a really bad idea."), and so to make up for that, they rely on communication instead. Truly letting things go is harder than outright communication (at least, for me). How do you determine what's small enough to let go? I have to make a gamble every time I think "Well, I'll just let this little thing go", because I need to make sure I've actually totally gotten over it. If I don't, then it becomes another paper cut.

paulryanrogers 3y ago
IME I've truly let go if something bothers me less over time. My SO and I were taught to bring things up immediately. Yet that led to (what seem to me) a torrent of complaints that felt very one-sided. My guess is there is a balance. Where little things can be overlooked, yet if they accumulate then it's best to talk about them at the point it's clear they can't be "let go". Ideally before things have gone on too long. Having a qualified, independent third party can also help provide some perspective. Of course all this assumes there isn't evidence folks are just petty and manipulative. Compromise does take two and ideally both will feel there is an equal amount being sacrificed or gained by all. Also I would recommend avoiding faith based counseling. IME their faith often taints their objectivity and generally pollutes both their advice and critical thinking skills. Even for couples who are of the same faith it can be helpful to get help outside the bubble.

by dymk 3y ago

paulryanrogers 3y ago

IME I've truly let go if something bothers me less over time. My SO and I were taught to bring things up immediately. Yet that led to (what seem to me) a torrent of complaints that felt very one-sided. My guess is there is a balance. Where little things can be overlooked, yet if they accumulate then it's best to talk about them at the point it's clear they can't be "let go". Ideally before things have gone on too long. Having a qualified, independent third party can also help provide some perspective. Of course all this assumes there isn't evidence folks are just petty and manipulative. Compromise does take two and ideally both will feel there is an equal amount being sacrificed or gained by all. Also I would recommend avoiding faith based counseling. IME their faith often taints their objectivity and generally pollutes both their advice and critical thinking skills. Even for couples who are of the same faith it can be helpful to get help outside the bubble.