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I have generalized anxiety disorder along with the lifelong depression. My life has felt like a permanent "emergency mode" from the inside, and with how my body

by cmehdy 3y ago

I have generalized anxiety disorder along with the lifelong depression. My life has felt like a permanent "emergency mode" from the inside, and with how my body processes things. The funny consequence is that I've been at multiple points a helpful anchor for healthier people in actual emergency situations, from panic attacks to much scarier things. When the house is on fire I'm feeling most at peace as the world and my brain align (and I have a mental "muscle memory" to use), and I guide people fairly well right back to the gates of "being OK", but I let them pass through and stay behind. This has helped in life or death situations a few times (including an actual building fire), as well as in professional work. Then the situation gets fixed and the world goes on as I return to illness. I'm glad there's at least some upsides to this whole thing.

theGnuMe 3y ago
Yeah sounds like you are in constant hypervigilance mode which is part of the limbic system for fight or flight. It is exhausting. It can be very hard to identify the root cause especially if it is a state that developed from childhood but its a coping mechanism to stress. It was likely adaptive for something in your past but that you likely don't need anymore... and as you say some events you've experienced so you might even have PTSD. But you can train your brain as they say...
- cmehdy 3y ago
  I probably have a few things that contribute to a case of CPTSD. Some things can help me (parts of CBT/DBT, zen koans, meds..). But it's also difficult to change a thing that is a feature of you, in that it has been there for so long that everything else was built around it. Just like maths problems, getting to the core of things often requires making your life harder for a while before coming back to the surface - and I can't always afford to do that unfortunately. The brain really is a weird and fascinating thing..
  - theGnuMe 3y ago
    Awareness itself precipitates change. Being aware reveals that choosing our response is the only thing we can control. Anyway I read this article once while depressed and a second time recently. https://thebaffler.com/salvos/endlessly-examined-life https://thebaffler.com/salvos/endlessly-examined-life What strikes me now after reading that is how boring (my) depression really is. I'm in no way saying the author's depression is more exciting at all. He self-describes it as a total waste -- not to be confused with the fact that I find his article interesting in that it reveals how boring depression is, it is a boring life course. That is illustrative and perhaps preventative and curative for others? So in that sense he made something out of it which is great! My depression is routed in anxiety which is based on fear of being judged. That's pretty boring in the scheme of things and being judged is something we can't control anyway unless we don't want to do anything and be boring.

by cmehdy 3y ago

theGnuMe 3y ago

Yeah sounds like you are in constant hypervigilance mode which is part of the limbic system for fight or flight. It is exhausting. It can be very hard to identify the root cause especially if it is a state that developed from childhood but its a coping mechanism to stress. It was likely adaptive for something in your past but that you likely don't need anymore... and as you say some events you've experienced so you might even have PTSD. But you can train your brain as they say...

cmehdy 3y ago
I probably have a few things that contribute to a case of CPTSD. Some things can help me (parts of CBT/DBT, zen koans, meds..). But it's also difficult to change a thing that is a feature of you, in that it has been there for so long that everything else was built around it. Just like maths problems, getting to the core of things often requires making your life harder for a while before coming back to the surface - and I can't always afford to do that unfortunately. The brain really is a weird and fascinating thing..
- theGnuMe 3y ago
  Awareness itself precipitates change. Being aware reveals that choosing our response is the only thing we can control. Anyway I read this article once while depressed and a second time recently. https://thebaffler.com/salvos/endlessly-examined-life https://thebaffler.com/salvos/endlessly-examined-life What strikes me now after reading that is how boring (my) depression really is. I'm in no way saying the author's depression is more exciting at all. He self-describes it as a total waste -- not to be confused with the fact that I find his article interesting in that it reveals how boring depression is, it is a boring life course. That is illustrative and perhaps preventative and curative for others? So in that sense he made something out of it which is great! My depression is routed in anxiety which is based on fear of being judged. That's pretty boring in the scheme of things and being judged is something we can't control anyway unless we don't want to do anything and be boring.