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Crazy this showed up today. I do this 'existential calculus' quite often. I also sometimes wonder what the point is when it just gets worse every year. My the

Crazy this showed up today. I do this 'existential calculus' quite often. I also sometimes wonder what the point is when it just gets worse every year. My therapist told me it's because I'm a survivor, it's what I do. But what's the point of surviving? At what point do I get to live, much less be happy? She pointed out it would be throwing away all my battle scars, all the effort I'd put in to get this far. Just think about how much better I'd feel when it did get better and I came out the other side. I pointed out it sounded like sunk cost fallacy to me. He next question was whether I was an organ donor. I've not spoken to anyone since. I was thinking about Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington yesterday. If they couldn't get past their pain, what hope have I? It's a day to day struggle, but also one I know I'm going to lose one day. I completely see why people turn to hard drugs, I consider opioids daily almost. The only reason I don't try them is I feel I'd rather skip the addiction and even worse pain and just fast-forward to the end. Again, the existential calculus.

benj111 3y ago
Do you count yourself as suicidal? This rings true to me, I wouldn't describe myself as suicidal though.
- effingwewt 3y ago
  Not sure. I attempted it once as a young man, but my roommate found me passed out with a foamy mouth and got me to the hospital. I will say I think a lot about that, and how much pain I'd have saved myself had I simply locked my door. As I mentioned it's a struggle I know I will lose one day, it's just a question of when. Days like today it's hard to breathe. Like my chest/body feel weighty. I try not to think about things but the moment my mind wanders I find myself back in the mire, doing my calculations, thinking of ways, and looking forward to not feeling anymore. But I smoke a blunt and try to make it to the next 10 minutes, hour, day. Is that suicidal? I don't know.
  - benj111 3y ago
    >Is that suicidal? I don't know Well it's up to you how you describe yourself. It sounds like you're further along the path than me. I can find few reasons to continue existing, but that doesn't translate into a desire to end it all. Just a lack of motivation etc. I guess I just assumed there was more a gap between where I am now and suicide. And this article and various comments here suggest that gap isn't as big as I'd like. Anyway stay safe, and if it's nice out, have a good long walk.
harlanji 3y ago
> He next question was whether I was an organ donor. That's dark. I've been homeless for 5 years (including working full time and having never been an addict). I'm very healthy so for a while I felt like I could be targeted by black marketeers like organ harvesters. > I completely see why people turn to hard drugs, I consider opioids daily almost. I joke that if I were to give up and become an addict at least someone would help me because it'd be their job. I've always been a hard worker and hate being unemployed, I'm obviously not waiting around for handouts. The situation is just that impossible to solve, "no man is an island" except the homeless and similarly beat down people I guess including the ones who turn to suicide. It was humbling to ask for help for the first time in my life and be preyed upon or abandoned at best. Never imagined myself here. Will never consider suicide, but the math and pressure to get rid of myself from my relatives and former friends is obvious. I always thought I had a support system but indeed what "they" say is true: everyone is in it for themselves. I constantly look for ways to be valuable to others, but on a desert island and sometimes literally starving there are few opportunities. Helping others is the key, while not being exploited by predators.
- effingwewt 3y ago
  I'm glad you're still chugging along. Until you need real help you've no idea who your real friends are, I've found. Which is why I feel like I've no true friends left. From experience I know how hard it is being down and out and without a support system, so I really hope you're able to find a solution. I know every single homeless resource I ever tried didn't work. They just passed my name from non-profit to non-profit, set up interviews only to be passed again. Literally not one of them was ever of any help. Wish I could offer a hand, but I've nothing anymore. Really hope you make it out, it's something I'd wish on no one.
  - the_only_law 3y ago
    > Until you need real help you've no idea who your real friends are, I've found. Which is why I feel like I've no true friends left. Even sadder when those “friends” are the type who opine about mental health all the time.
- 3y ago

benj111 3y ago

Do you count yourself as suicidal? This rings true to me, I wouldn't describe myself as suicidal though.

effingwewt 3y ago
Not sure. I attempted it once as a young man, but my roommate found me passed out with a foamy mouth and got me to the hospital. I will say I think a lot about that, and how much pain I'd have saved myself had I simply locked my door. As I mentioned it's a struggle I know I will lose one day, it's just a question of when. Days like today it's hard to breathe. Like my chest/body feel weighty. I try not to think about things but the moment my mind wanders I find myself back in the mire, doing my calculations, thinking of ways, and looking forward to not feeling anymore. But I smoke a blunt and try to make it to the next 10 minutes, hour, day. Is that suicidal? I don't know.
- benj111 3y ago
  >Is that suicidal? I don't know Well it's up to you how you describe yourself. It sounds like you're further along the path than me. I can find few reasons to continue existing, but that doesn't translate into a desire to end it all. Just a lack of motivation etc. I guess I just assumed there was more a gap between where I am now and suicide. And this article and various comments here suggest that gap isn't as big as I'd like. Anyway stay safe, and if it's nice out, have a good long walk.

harlanji 3y ago

> He next question was whether I was an organ donor. That's dark. I've been homeless for 5 years (including working full time and having never been an addict). I'm very healthy so for a while I felt like I could be targeted by black marketeers like organ harvesters. > I completely see why people turn to hard drugs, I consider opioids daily almost. I joke that if I were to give up and become an addict at least someone would help me because it'd be their job. I've always been a hard worker and hate being unemployed, I'm obviously not waiting around for handouts. The situation is just that impossible to solve, "no man is an island" except the homeless and similarly beat down people I guess including the ones who turn to suicide. It was humbling to ask for help for the first time in my life and be preyed upon or abandoned at best. Never imagined myself here. Will never consider suicide, but the math and pressure to get rid of myself from my relatives and former friends is obvious. I always thought I had a support system but indeed what "they" say is true: everyone is in it for themselves. I constantly look for ways to be valuable to others, but on a desert island and sometimes literally starving there are few opportunities. Helping others is the key, while not being exploited by predators.

effingwewt 3y ago
I'm glad you're still chugging along. Until you need real help you've no idea who your real friends are, I've found. Which is why I feel like I've no true friends left. From experience I know how hard it is being down and out and without a support system, so I really hope you're able to find a solution. I know every single homeless resource I ever tried didn't work. They just passed my name from non-profit to non-profit, set up interviews only to be passed again. Literally not one of them was ever of any help. Wish I could offer a hand, but I've nothing anymore. Really hope you make it out, it's something I'd wish on no one.
- the_only_law 3y ago
  > Until you need real help you've no idea who your real friends are, I've found. Which is why I feel like I've no true friends left. Even sadder when those “friends” are the type who opine about mental health all the time.
3y ago