7 ms·

Much easier said than done. I doubt you'll feel the same way when that old age approaches, just like teenagers who think life is practically over by 40.

Joeboy 3y ago
"Hope I die before I get old" - Pete Townshend, 1945—
- crossroadsguy 3y ago
  Such edgy quotes aid in the mystic and aura building which eventually help with the sales.
hasbot 3y ago
Not at all. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 60's and eventually died of it. Near the end she was hoping to die.
cedws 3y ago
>just like teenagers who think life is practically over by 40 Sorry but... it kind of is, no? You've probably got a family weighing you down so you can't travel anymore. You don't have the freedom to start new exciting ventures. You can't quit your sucky job because it supports your family. You go to parties that end at 9pm and your social gatherings consist of talking about traffic and grocery prices. You're probably married to someone you love and respect, but the flame isn't the same as what you once had. Just my perspective as a 22 year old.
- mk67 3y ago
  Nobody forces you to live like that. I'm 39 and not one point hits the mark for me. :D While true that it's harder to get social connections it's far from impossible; in the end you just need to go out and meet new people doing things alone sometimes. On the other hand I have much more money, thus can actually travel when/how I want, compared to my 20s, and could probably quit my job in the next decade, if I want to. Overall it's different to some degree, but in sum I'd say I enjoy life much more than in my 20s nowadays. Doubt that changes until I start to get sick(er) in my 50s/60s.
- badosu 3y ago
  'family weighing you down' if that's how you'd see family at 40 sure
  - martindbp 3y ago
    That's what I keep telling my boy when he wants to cuddle up and read a bedtime story: "stop weighing me down, daddy has more important things to do, like vapid parties and brunch"...
- s_c_r 3y ago
  I’m 37, married with two kids. Flying to Scotland for a week next Monday. Life is what you make it. I’m happier than I was at 22, no question.
- giraffe_lady 3y ago
  lmao
- argiopetech 3y ago
  If you've done it right, by 40 you have children. If you've raised them right, they're fun to be with. Even if you haven't, they require enough out of you that you want to go to bed by 9. Social gatherings are about spending time with other families and letting your children play. Your partner is a collaborative team member in a complex dance, and while the passion for that person is not as fiery as the lust-fueled early days before you realized they were a real person with flaws, it's no less significant in magnitude. Travel with a family takes more planning, but millions take significant road/flight/cruise trips every year. Budgeting (of money and, if applicable, vacation time) is key. Changing jobs or starting ventures is similar. It's easier to get a job if you already have one, it's easier to survive a job change if you have savings. Planning remains key. It's not as low-risk as it would be for a bachelor(ette), but you have the time, stability, and mindset to start slow and minimize that risk as you go. As your kids grow you have more time to pursue your interests. Eventually, if all goes well, you get the joy of grandchildren (all the fun of having children, but you can give them back). Retirement, if you've planned well and have your health, is a return to childhood (less money, more fun, most of your playmates are children [at least relative to your age]). There are another 40 years after 40. Plan accordingly.
  - sgjohnson 3y ago
    > If you've done it right, by 40 you have children. It’s also perfectly okay to not have children.
    - argiopetech 3y ago
      It's a valid life choice, of course, and you're free to make it. I'd not call it "perfect", though (and neither is choosing to have kids). It's all a matter of which trade-offs you prefer. I like children, desire to pass my genes to the future, value the ability to raise my children to have an impact on the world somewhat in line with my perception of it (commensurate on their natural predilection to agree with me and act on that agreement), and want somebody to look after me and my affairs in my old age. I'm willing to accept the cost (in time, money, stress, reduced flexibility...) and responsibility in return. If you make the decision not to have kids, I hope you can say the same for your trade-offs.
- sambapa 3y ago
  *as a depressed 22 year old
- JoelSanchez 3y ago
  my mom is 48 years old, she loves her job, no one depends on her, has a different boyfriend every month, goes to the same parties I go to (which end at 6am) and we even share some friends (im 29). definitely not over
- _urvc 3y ago
  That is a depressing view on aging. At some point kids becomes adults and can support themselves and if they were taught any form of responsibility, they will support their parents. These days my parents hang out with their friends or go once in a while on vacation which they pay or my sibling and I. To me it sounds like someone enduring a life style they dislike but accepted because they believe this is how life should be. Maybe it is a culturally thing but as a kid I had to complain to my parents to get home and by then it was 1 am.
- rockbruno 3y ago
  This sounds exactly what a 13 year old would say about life being over at 20. Or a 22 saying life is over a 40. Or a 40 saying life is over at 50. Or a 50 saying life is over at 60. See a pattern?
- agensaequivocum 3y ago
  No raise children in your early 20s. When you're forty they'll be adults.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- tmtvl 3y ago
  > Sorry but... it kind of is, no? No. > You've probably got a family weighing you down so you can't travel anymore. Well... 1: Having a family is a choice people make, not everyone over the age of 40 has a family. 2: Just because someone can't travel doesn't mean per life is over. 3: It is (in many cases) entirely possible for someone over 40 to travel with per family. 4: People making the choice to have a family probably wouldn't call it "weighing down". > You don't have the freedom to start new exciting ventures. Define "exciting ventures" and explain why it isn't possible. There are many things that can be done as a person over the age of 40, even WITH a family. > You can't quit your sucky job because it supports your family. Not everyone over the age of 40 has a "sucky" job and if one has a job which is unpleasant there may very well still be the possibility of changing careers. > You go to parties that end at 9pm and your social gatherings consist of talking about traffic and grocery prices. Speaking from experience? It's entirely possible to engage the services of a babysitter and go spend time with friends until the night is well past the point of being young. Also "traffic and grocery prices"? Where do you even get that? People over the age of 40 can be (and usually are) interested in other things like, say, sports, cinema, even the dreaded "celebrity gossip". > You're probably married to someone you love and respect, but the flame isn't the same as what you once had. If a couple can't quite manage to Take Hold of the Flame, there is always the possibility of ending the marriage, which may once again open the door to those "new exciting ventures" you mentioned. And regardless even if the relationship isn't what it once was that doesn't mean life is over. Just my perspective as a 33 year old.
- teolandon 3y ago
  Don't have kids, keep meeting new people.
- bregma 3y ago
  I'm in my 60s. The only downsides I see are a bit of stiffness in the morning and putting up with know-it-all 22-year-olds.
  - c7DJTLrn 3y ago
    Sorry for how my comment may have come off. I genuinely don't know what happy 40 year olds live like because I had a dysfunctional household. My impressions are based on what I hear from people around me like colleagues as well as social media. And it's usually miserable stuff.
- inconceivable 3y ago
  i'm 40 and i live like a rich 16 year old with no adult supervision. peter pan syndrome is always an option. anyway, here's your real problem. you might want to figure out which older people in your life are poisoning your mind with their bullshit. having a family, or not, can be great and is always your choice. miserable people end up that way because they're living someone else's dream, not their own. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection Psychological projection is a defence mechanism of alterity concerning "inside" content mistaken to be coming from the "outside"
  - JohnBooty 3y ago
    Of the many, many sibling comments: this is by far my favorite.
- best_one_there 3y ago
  [dead]
- cshimmin 3y ago
  This hilariously proves OPs point. If satire, bravo, if not, well, we were all teenagers (or 22yos, in this case) once. In any case: most new startup founders are over the age of forty. Assuming that's what a 22yo on hn considers an "exciting new venture".
- laratied 3y ago
  You will get a ton of denial about this but you aren't wrong. On the other hand it is really easy to not get married and not have kids. Then the equation is quite different. 40s and 50s isn't all that different than 22. I would even say better in most ways. Your vision of marriage is even kind of romantic still. The married guys I know it is more like depression because of separation and knowing the wife is fucking a Tinder guy while your kid is sleeping in the next room. They even know her date outfit because she posts the picture on social media. I have two friends right now that this is their exact life. One of them I thought was the absolute perfect couple at 30. Women know their value and aren't going to waste their life with the flame having gone out.
  - colineartheta 3y ago
    This reads comically incel-ish. “Women know their value”, like a self-respecting man doesn’t? Why aren’t your male friends doing the same thing, then? Life doesn’t end at 40, for either sex. With/without a family, married/divorced, the choice to develop and grow as a human is always your own.
    - Der_Einzige 3y ago
      The average man on HN has had far less sex than the average man. This is simply the fate of nerdy computer touchers and is why we get "incel content" here. In coding, you trade your sexual market value for actual money. It's a sad dynamic, and I think a little bit of "life imitating art" given that the "nerd jock" dynamics seem to be uniquely an American thing.
    - deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
- martindbp 3y ago
  Believe it or not, traveling and partying gets old. Most of us have an evolutionary desire to have kids. You may not, but it can take time to manifest. Look out for feelings of hollowness, boredom or depression. Parenting may be hard, but I've never felt hollow or bored or that life has no meaning.
  - stocknoob 3y ago
    You probably didn’t mean it this way, but that reasoning emphasizes bringing beings into this world to avoid your own bad emotions, and not so they can experience their own good ones.
    - martindbp 3y ago
      Giving kids a happy childhood and setting them up for happiness and contentment is of course implied. Either way, I think the vast majority of people who are alive want to remain alive, so I never understood the sentiment that it's selfish to bring someone into the world. It's only selfish if you benefit while someone else suffers. Bringing kids into the world is a win-win, at least in the developed world where birthrates are plummeting way below replacement rate. In this case it's a win-win-win (third being society). What might be considered selfish is to not have kids when we are way below replacement rate, while expecting to be taken care of by other's kids in old age. Unless we reach AGI and humanoid robots soon, the food, housing, services and healthcare has to be provided by younger people.
      - badpun 3y ago
        > Either way, I think the vast majority of people who are alive want to remain alive, so I never understood the sentiment that it's selfish to bring someone into the world. It's not "remaining". If you had decided to not have kids, the kids wouldn't be there in the first place, so they wouldn't (couldn't) feel any regret about.
      - BizarreByte 3y ago
        > I think the vast majority of people who are alive want to remain alive I don't want to die because it's scary and likely painful, but I definitely would have preferred I wasn't here to begin with.
- omgmajk 3y ago
  You sound like you're 13, not 22. I'm 38 and nothing what you said is true for me nor any of my friends.
- JohnBooty 3y ago
  I'm in my 40s and felt the same way as you (more or less) at 22. Many people do wind up as you describe. On the other hand you write as if it is inevitable rather than a specific choice. You've probably got a family weighing you down so you can't travel anymore. You don't have the freedom to start new exciting ventures. Yes, you probably do have to choose between "family" and the other stuff unless you have some unusually favorable circumstances. Either lots of money, or extended family members (grandparents) with whom you can leave the kids while you travel, etc. Depends on your definition of "travel" though. Flying to another country on a whim? Probably not. Packing the kids and tents up and going camping? Heck yes. You go to parties that end at 9pm and your social gatherings consist of talking about traffic and grocery prices. Oh hell no. I'm over 40 and still making great friends. Friends with whom I share interests, not just banal conversations. It's different than when you're young, it takes a little more work. You're not just dumped into a school with hundreds of people your age. But it's better. You can choose your social circles and meet other enthusiasts relevant to your interests. You're probably married to someone you love and respect, but the flame isn't the same as what you once had. It's certainly true: those giddy early months of a relationship change into something else eventually. Can be better or worse depending on your perspective. Again, you can just not get married! Or do some kind of poly/open/whatever relationship if that's your thing. Or be asexual. Or be so undesirable that nobody wants to nestle down with you and saddle you with a family. Or just find some sort of ethical way of getting what you need from sex workers. (That last one may be tricky)
  - Delk 3y ago
    > Again, you can just not get married! Or do some kind of poly/open/whatever relationship if that's your thing. Or be asexual. Or be so undesirable that nobody wants to nestle down with you and saddle you with a family. Or just find some sort of ethical way of getting what you need from sex workers. (That last one may be tricky) IMO any of those can be tricky. Relationships in general are, at any part of the spectrum, including a lack of them. Poly/open/casual/whatever isn't easy unless your partner (or potential partners) also wants to be in one of those. Leaving an existing relationship for one of those probably isn't easy (unless it's meaningless), and can be anything but if one is already married with kids. Non-exclusive relationships may also need to deal with potential feelings of jealousy etc. in a different way than exclusive ones, and again, it's not down to just oneself. One probably doesn't really choose to be asexual either, and I'd wager that trying to make such a choice is generally unhealthy. And if you actually are asexual but want an otherwise romantic relationship, finding one (where both are satisfied) is probably harder than it would be more conventionally. Most people (or all of us?) have mutually conflicting desires and needs for their relationships. That makes relationships tricky in general. It's probably even more so for someone who's less comfortable socially or with themselves than you would seem to be. I don't think it's always even possible, psychologically or emotionally, for everyone to solve those conflicting needs and desires in a satisfying way. It sounds quite cynical to see marriage or long-term relationships largely as a burden, and seeing the possibilities can be an antidote for that for some people. But trying to make it out as everything being possible and choices that you can just make feels a bit like it can trivialize the difficulty of actually doing it.
- BeFlatXIII 3y ago
  Sounds like the problem is that you went and tied yourself down with a spouse and children when they weren't at the top of your life goals.
- anonymouskimmer 3y ago
  > You can't quit your sucky job because it supports your family. My jobs have gotten less suckier as I've gotten older. And with experience (and, rarely, more savings) I have more options. Yes, I could quit if I want.
- chalcolithic 3y ago
  find a spouse that dreads the problems you've listed and you'll be amazed by how easily they can be solved
- dbrueck 3y ago
  Hehe, for fun you should bookmark your comment and refer back to it every 5 years. If you're open to it, here are a few ideas to noodle on: - A lot of what you find fun/interesting changes over time. The partying of the 20s was fun, in its way, but now seems mostly pretty silly, superficial, and (sorry for saying this) childish and dumb. I'm not saying it is, just that your notion of fun changes, and if now I had the power to do absolutely anything I wanted, "partying" would not be even in my top 100 list because there are so many things that are more fun and fulfilling. Ask a 3 year old how they'd love to spend their time. - Many details of life are outside your control, but you still have a huge influence on things. If you end up in your 40s in a marriage where the flame has gone out, that's mostly on you and your partner - it definitely doesn't need to be that way. Just because it seems common for people to get married and stop courting/dating each other doesn't mean you have to. Ditto for things like a job. In both cases, there's an element of settling in and coasting that's easy to do but doesn't necessarily produce the long term results you really want. Gotta begin with the end in mind and course correct over time, but also have to avoid obsessing over the imperfections and less-than-ideals of life, because there will always be plenty of those. - The number of kids you have is a pretty private choice, but if approach it with either cynicism or idealism then you'll likely be disappointed. It's a roller coaster, it's hard, kids will absolutely drive you crazy sometimes. But it can also be a source of joy and purpose to a degree that might be incomprehensible to you right now. I'm trying to be careful here because it is a sensitive topic, but compared to being single, it's hard to really explain how much depth and substance having a family has added to my life. In retrospect it feels like life didn't really begin until then. Lots of cool stuff and adventures before then, of course, but... yeah. - Your kids eventually go away. I mean, it's obvious, right, and yet I didn't really appreciate it until it happened. That stage of life where kids are at home is actually relatively short. It's so temporary. You'll always be a parent, but suddenly you find yourself on the other side of it with a whole lot more time for hobbies and travel and whatever else and yet you don't really feel all that old yet.
- harimau777 3y ago
  I see it almost the exact opposite. I'm in my early 30s without a wife or kids and I feel like my life is basically over because of it.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
- zajio1am 3y ago
  Note that most of these issues are related to 'have a family', not to 'be over 40'.
- wahnfrieden 3y ago
  closer to 40 than 30 now and the fix is to not work.
- tomtheelder 3y ago
  I think your perspectives on things and your priorities can change as you get older in ways that are very difficult to imagine as a young person. I might once have agreed with this comment, but now I live a lot of that life and it’s fantastic and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Also parties that end at 9 are incredible. I fought this one hard for a _long_ time, but life is honestly just better when you go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. More daylight is a great thing.
- dionidium 3y ago
  Your implied list of priorities -- travel, interesting parties, etc -- are about as interesting to me now that I'm in my early 40s with a family as an afternoon at a toddler's daycare center probably would be to you. What you're failing to appreciate is that, just as you no longer have toddler interests, I no longer have 22-year-old interests. I am as different from you as you are from that toddler. And it works the other direction, too. My life probably sounds boring to you in the same way that a day in your life would be boring to a toddler. Now that you're 22, you aren't just a taller version of that toddler with all the same interests. You have new interests. (That will keep happening.)
Madmallard 3y ago
The people I know that are really old or the people I have known rather generally weren't too thrilled with living at that point. When your quality of life is really poor, living seems like more trouble than it's worth. I wonder if some of those people have a lot of agency over just letting their body stop working.

Joeboy 3y ago

"Hope I die before I get old" - Pete Townshend, 1945—

crossroadsguy 3y ago
Such edgy quotes aid in the mystic and aura building which eventually help with the sales.

hasbot 3y ago

Not at all. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 60's and eventually died of it. Near the end she was hoping to die.

cedws 3y ago

>just like teenagers who think life is practically over by 40 Sorry but... it kind of is, no? You've probably got a family weighing you down so you can't travel anymore. You don't have the freedom to start new exciting ventures. You can't quit your sucky job because it supports your family. You go to parties that end at 9pm and your social gatherings consist of talking about traffic and grocery prices. You're probably married to someone you love and respect, but the flame isn't the same as what you once had. Just my perspective as a 22 year old.

mk67 3y ago
Nobody forces you to live like that. I'm 39 and not one point hits the mark for me. :D While true that it's harder to get social connections it's far from impossible; in the end you just need to go out and meet new people doing things alone sometimes. On the other hand I have much more money, thus can actually travel when/how I want, compared to my 20s, and could probably quit my job in the next decade, if I want to. Overall it's different to some degree, but in sum I'd say I enjoy life much more than in my 20s nowadays. Doubt that changes until I start to get sick(er) in my 50s/60s.
badosu 3y ago
'family weighing you down' if that's how you'd see family at 40 sure
- martindbp 3y ago
  That's what I keep telling my boy when he wants to cuddle up and read a bedtime story: "stop weighing me down, daddy has more important things to do, like vapid parties and brunch"...
s_c_r 3y ago
I’m 37, married with two kids. Flying to Scotland for a week next Monday. Life is what you make it. I’m happier than I was at 22, no question.
giraffe_lady 3y ago
lmao
argiopetech 3y ago
If you've done it right, by 40 you have children. If you've raised them right, they're fun to be with. Even if you haven't, they require enough out of you that you want to go to bed by 9. Social gatherings are about spending time with other families and letting your children play. Your partner is a collaborative team member in a complex dance, and while the passion for that person is not as fiery as the lust-fueled early days before you realized they were a real person with flaws, it's no less significant in magnitude. Travel with a family takes more planning, but millions take significant road/flight/cruise trips every year. Budgeting (of money and, if applicable, vacation time) is key. Changing jobs or starting ventures is similar. It's easier to get a job if you already have one, it's easier to survive a job change if you have savings. Planning remains key. It's not as low-risk as it would be for a bachelor(ette), but you have the time, stability, and mindset to start slow and minimize that risk as you go. As your kids grow you have more time to pursue your interests. Eventually, if all goes well, you get the joy of grandchildren (all the fun of having children, but you can give them back). Retirement, if you've planned well and have your health, is a return to childhood (less money, more fun, most of your playmates are children [at least relative to your age]). There are another 40 years after 40. Plan accordingly.
- sgjohnson 3y ago
  > If you've done it right, by 40 you have children. It’s also perfectly okay to not have children.
  - argiopetech 3y ago
    It's a valid life choice, of course, and you're free to make it. I'd not call it "perfect", though (and neither is choosing to have kids). It's all a matter of which trade-offs you prefer. I like children, desire to pass my genes to the future, value the ability to raise my children to have an impact on the world somewhat in line with my perception of it (commensurate on their natural predilection to agree with me and act on that agreement), and want somebody to look after me and my affairs in my old age. I'm willing to accept the cost (in time, money, stress, reduced flexibility...) and responsibility in return. If you make the decision not to have kids, I hope you can say the same for your trade-offs.
sambapa 3y ago
*as a depressed 22 year old
JoelSanchez 3y ago
my mom is 48 years old, she loves her job, no one depends on her, has a different boyfriend every month, goes to the same parties I go to (which end at 6am) and we even share some friends (im 29). definitely not over
_urvc 3y ago
That is a depressing view on aging. At some point kids becomes adults and can support themselves and if they were taught any form of responsibility, they will support their parents. These days my parents hang out with their friends or go once in a while on vacation which they pay or my sibling and I. To me it sounds like someone enduring a life style they dislike but accepted because they believe this is how life should be. Maybe it is a culturally thing but as a kid I had to complain to my parents to get home and by then it was 1 am.
rockbruno 3y ago
This sounds exactly what a 13 year old would say about life being over at 20. Or a 22 saying life is over a 40. Or a 40 saying life is over at 50. Or a 50 saying life is over at 60. See a pattern?
agensaequivocum 3y ago
No raise children in your early 20s. When you're forty they'll be adults.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
tmtvl 3y ago
> Sorry but... it kind of is, no? No. > You've probably got a family weighing you down so you can't travel anymore. Well... 1: Having a family is a choice people make, not everyone over the age of 40 has a family. 2: Just because someone can't travel doesn't mean per life is over. 3: It is (in many cases) entirely possible for someone over 40 to travel with per family. 4: People making the choice to have a family probably wouldn't call it "weighing down". > You don't have the freedom to start new exciting ventures. Define "exciting ventures" and explain why it isn't possible. There are many things that can be done as a person over the age of 40, even WITH a family. > You can't quit your sucky job because it supports your family. Not everyone over the age of 40 has a "sucky" job and if one has a job which is unpleasant there may very well still be the possibility of changing careers. > You go to parties that end at 9pm and your social gatherings consist of talking about traffic and grocery prices. Speaking from experience? It's entirely possible to engage the services of a babysitter and go spend time with friends until the night is well past the point of being young. Also "traffic and grocery prices"? Where do you even get that? People over the age of 40 can be (and usually are) interested in other things like, say, sports, cinema, even the dreaded "celebrity gossip". > You're probably married to someone you love and respect, but the flame isn't the same as what you once had. If a couple can't quite manage to Take Hold of the Flame, there is always the possibility of ending the marriage, which may once again open the door to those "new exciting ventures" you mentioned. And regardless even if the relationship isn't what it once was that doesn't mean life is over. Just my perspective as a 33 year old.
teolandon 3y ago
Don't have kids, keep meeting new people.
bregma 3y ago
I'm in my 60s. The only downsides I see are a bit of stiffness in the morning and putting up with know-it-all 22-year-olds.
- c7DJTLrn 3y ago
  Sorry for how my comment may have come off. I genuinely don't know what happy 40 year olds live like because I had a dysfunctional household. My impressions are based on what I hear from people around me like colleagues as well as social media. And it's usually miserable stuff.
inconceivable 3y ago
i'm 40 and i live like a rich 16 year old with no adult supervision. peter pan syndrome is always an option. anyway, here's your real problem. you might want to figure out which older people in your life are poisoning your mind with their bullshit. having a family, or not, can be great and is always your choice. miserable people end up that way because they're living someone else's dream, not their own. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection Psychological projection is a defence mechanism of alterity concerning "inside" content mistaken to be coming from the "outside"
- JohnBooty 3y ago
  Of the many, many sibling comments: this is by far my favorite.
best_one_there 3y ago
[dead]
cshimmin 3y ago
This hilariously proves OPs point. If satire, bravo, if not, well, we were all teenagers (or 22yos, in this case) once. In any case: most new startup founders are over the age of forty. Assuming that's what a 22yo on hn considers an "exciting new venture".
laratied 3y ago
You will get a ton of denial about this but you aren't wrong. On the other hand it is really easy to not get married and not have kids. Then the equation is quite different. 40s and 50s isn't all that different than 22. I would even say better in most ways. Your vision of marriage is even kind of romantic still. The married guys I know it is more like depression because of separation and knowing the wife is fucking a Tinder guy while your kid is sleeping in the next room. They even know her date outfit because she posts the picture on social media. I have two friends right now that this is their exact life. One of them I thought was the absolute perfect couple at 30. Women know their value and aren't going to waste their life with the flame having gone out.
- colineartheta 3y ago
  This reads comically incel-ish. “Women know their value”, like a self-respecting man doesn’t? Why aren’t your male friends doing the same thing, then? Life doesn’t end at 40, for either sex. With/without a family, married/divorced, the choice to develop and grow as a human is always your own.
  - Der_Einzige 3y ago
    The average man on HN has had far less sex than the average man. This is simply the fate of nerdy computer touchers and is why we get "incel content" here. In coding, you trade your sexual market value for actual money. It's a sad dynamic, and I think a little bit of "life imitating art" given that the "nerd jock" dynamics seem to be uniquely an American thing.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
martindbp 3y ago
Believe it or not, traveling and partying gets old. Most of us have an evolutionary desire to have kids. You may not, but it can take time to manifest. Look out for feelings of hollowness, boredom or depression. Parenting may be hard, but I've never felt hollow or bored or that life has no meaning.
- stocknoob 3y ago
  You probably didn’t mean it this way, but that reasoning emphasizes bringing beings into this world to avoid your own bad emotions, and not so they can experience their own good ones.
  - martindbp 3y ago
    Giving kids a happy childhood and setting them up for happiness and contentment is of course implied. Either way, I think the vast majority of people who are alive want to remain alive, so I never understood the sentiment that it's selfish to bring someone into the world. It's only selfish if you benefit while someone else suffers. Bringing kids into the world is a win-win, at least in the developed world where birthrates are plummeting way below replacement rate. In this case it's a win-win-win (third being society). What might be considered selfish is to not have kids when we are way below replacement rate, while expecting to be taken care of by other's kids in old age. Unless we reach AGI and humanoid robots soon, the food, housing, services and healthcare has to be provided by younger people.
    - badpun 3y ago
      > Either way, I think the vast majority of people who are alive want to remain alive, so I never understood the sentiment that it's selfish to bring someone into the world. It's not "remaining". If you had decided to not have kids, the kids wouldn't be there in the first place, so they wouldn't (couldn't) feel any regret about.
    - BizarreByte 3y ago
      > I think the vast majority of people who are alive want to remain alive I don't want to die because it's scary and likely painful, but I definitely would have preferred I wasn't here to begin with.
omgmajk 3y ago
You sound like you're 13, not 22. I'm 38 and nothing what you said is true for me nor any of my friends.
JohnBooty 3y ago
I'm in my 40s and felt the same way as you (more or less) at 22. Many people do wind up as you describe. On the other hand you write as if it is inevitable rather than a specific choice. You've probably got a family weighing you down so you can't travel anymore. You don't have the freedom to start new exciting ventures. Yes, you probably do have to choose between "family" and the other stuff unless you have some unusually favorable circumstances. Either lots of money, or extended family members (grandparents) with whom you can leave the kids while you travel, etc. Depends on your definition of "travel" though. Flying to another country on a whim? Probably not. Packing the kids and tents up and going camping? Heck yes. You go to parties that end at 9pm and your social gatherings consist of talking about traffic and grocery prices. Oh hell no. I'm over 40 and still making great friends. Friends with whom I share interests, not just banal conversations. It's different than when you're young, it takes a little more work. You're not just dumped into a school with hundreds of people your age. But it's better. You can choose your social circles and meet other enthusiasts relevant to your interests. You're probably married to someone you love and respect, but the flame isn't the same as what you once had. It's certainly true: those giddy early months of a relationship change into something else eventually. Can be better or worse depending on your perspective. Again, you can just not get married! Or do some kind of poly/open/whatever relationship if that's your thing. Or be asexual. Or be so undesirable that nobody wants to nestle down with you and saddle you with a family. Or just find some sort of ethical way of getting what you need from sex workers. (That last one may be tricky)
- Delk 3y ago
  > Again, you can just not get married! Or do some kind of poly/open/whatever relationship if that's your thing. Or be asexual. Or be so undesirable that nobody wants to nestle down with you and saddle you with a family. Or just find some sort of ethical way of getting what you need from sex workers. (That last one may be tricky) IMO any of those can be tricky. Relationships in general are, at any part of the spectrum, including a lack of them. Poly/open/casual/whatever isn't easy unless your partner (or potential partners) also wants to be in one of those. Leaving an existing relationship for one of those probably isn't easy (unless it's meaningless), and can be anything but if one is already married with kids. Non-exclusive relationships may also need to deal with potential feelings of jealousy etc. in a different way than exclusive ones, and again, it's not down to just oneself. One probably doesn't really choose to be asexual either, and I'd wager that trying to make such a choice is generally unhealthy. And if you actually are asexual but want an otherwise romantic relationship, finding one (where both are satisfied) is probably harder than it would be more conventionally. Most people (or all of us?) have mutually conflicting desires and needs for their relationships. That makes relationships tricky in general. It's probably even more so for someone who's less comfortable socially or with themselves than you would seem to be. I don't think it's always even possible, psychologically or emotionally, for everyone to solve those conflicting needs and desires in a satisfying way. It sounds quite cynical to see marriage or long-term relationships largely as a burden, and seeing the possibilities can be an antidote for that for some people. But trying to make it out as everything being possible and choices that you can just make feels a bit like it can trivialize the difficulty of actually doing it.
BeFlatXIII 3y ago
Sounds like the problem is that you went and tied yourself down with a spouse and children when they weren't at the top of your life goals.
anonymouskimmer 3y ago
> You can't quit your sucky job because it supports your family. My jobs have gotten less suckier as I've gotten older. And with experience (and, rarely, more savings) I have more options. Yes, I could quit if I want.
chalcolithic 3y ago
find a spouse that dreads the problems you've listed and you'll be amazed by how easily they can be solved
dbrueck 3y ago
Hehe, for fun you should bookmark your comment and refer back to it every 5 years. If you're open to it, here are a few ideas to noodle on: - A lot of what you find fun/interesting changes over time. The partying of the 20s was fun, in its way, but now seems mostly pretty silly, superficial, and (sorry for saying this) childish and dumb. I'm not saying it is, just that your notion of fun changes, and if now I had the power to do absolutely anything I wanted, "partying" would not be even in my top 100 list because there are so many things that are more fun and fulfilling. Ask a 3 year old how they'd love to spend their time. - Many details of life are outside your control, but you still have a huge influence on things. If you end up in your 40s in a marriage where the flame has gone out, that's mostly on you and your partner - it definitely doesn't need to be that way. Just because it seems common for people to get married and stop courting/dating each other doesn't mean you have to. Ditto for things like a job. In both cases, there's an element of settling in and coasting that's easy to do but doesn't necessarily produce the long term results you really want. Gotta begin with the end in mind and course correct over time, but also have to avoid obsessing over the imperfections and less-than-ideals of life, because there will always be plenty of those. - The number of kids you have is a pretty private choice, but if approach it with either cynicism or idealism then you'll likely be disappointed. It's a roller coaster, it's hard, kids will absolutely drive you crazy sometimes. But it can also be a source of joy and purpose to a degree that might be incomprehensible to you right now. I'm trying to be careful here because it is a sensitive topic, but compared to being single, it's hard to really explain how much depth and substance having a family has added to my life. In retrospect it feels like life didn't really begin until then. Lots of cool stuff and adventures before then, of course, but... yeah. - Your kids eventually go away. I mean, it's obvious, right, and yet I didn't really appreciate it until it happened. That stage of life where kids are at home is actually relatively short. It's so temporary. You'll always be a parent, but suddenly you find yourself on the other side of it with a whole lot more time for hobbies and travel and whatever else and yet you don't really feel all that old yet.
harimau777 3y ago
I see it almost the exact opposite. I'm in my early 30s without a wife or kids and I feel like my life is basically over because of it.
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zajio1am 3y ago
Note that most of these issues are related to 'have a family', not to 'be over 40'.
wahnfrieden 3y ago
closer to 40 than 30 now and the fix is to not work.
tomtheelder 3y ago
I think your perspectives on things and your priorities can change as you get older in ways that are very difficult to imagine as a young person. I might once have agreed with this comment, but now I live a lot of that life and it’s fantastic and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Also parties that end at 9 are incredible. I fought this one hard for a _long_ time, but life is honestly just better when you go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. More daylight is a great thing.
dionidium 3y ago
Your implied list of priorities -- travel, interesting parties, etc -- are about as interesting to me now that I'm in my early 40s with a family as an afternoon at a toddler's daycare center probably would be to you. What you're failing to appreciate is that, just as you no longer have toddler interests, I no longer have 22-year-old interests. I am as different from you as you are from that toddler. And it works the other direction, too. My life probably sounds boring to you in the same way that a day in your life would be boring to a toddler. Now that you're 22, you aren't just a taller version of that toddler with all the same interests. You have new interests. (That will keep happening.)

Madmallard 3y ago

The people I know that are really old or the people I have known rather generally weren't too thrilled with living at that point. When your quality of life is really poor, living seems like more trouble than it's worth. I wonder if some of those people have a lot of agency over just letting their body stop working.