4 ms·

By the time my toddler was 18 months I'd taught and given him a few things: * Emotional regulation. When he's upset, hold him and allow him to feel my calm bre

by tikkun 3y ago

By the time my toddler was 18 months I'd taught and given him a few things: * Emotional regulation. When he's upset, hold him and allow him to feel my calm breathing, help him breathe * How to tell other people that he'd like more of something, that he'd like something to stop, or that he'd like something * Good connection time by holding him and dancing, playing outside in the grass * Good connection time by wrestling and tickling. (Plus, I think that kids like this because it helps them learn how to defend themselves) * Good examples. I'm very good at emotional regulation and very attuned to what I want and need. Same with toward his mom. There are very very few behaviors that I have that I wouldn't be ok with him copying. My behaviors serve me well and I feel content, so I know that if he just mirrors me, which he's likely to, he'll be in a good spot * Healthy food, minimized exposure to plastics and environmental toxins * Guided his behavior in a way that makes him enjoyable to be around, which helps him get good loving connection from various people in his life * As much as possible, I bring him with me and show him the things that I do and how I do them * Taught him things by focusing on quick positive reinforcement of what I do want, rather than negative reinforcement of what I don't want. This means he's not stressed and trying to avoid bad things, instead he can seek good things * Responding to him rather than reacting to him I believe that when parents are calm and content, then following their intuition will lead to great things. That's how I've approached it. I worked really hard for a few years before having kids on becoming more calm, more content, more responding less reacting, creating more emotional safety with my wife and to myself, and getting in touch with my intuition. Then with parenting, I've followed my intuition.

tikkun 3y ago
More things: * As much as possible, other than basic bodily needs, made him adjust to us rather than us adjusting to him. This way we're calm and not stressed by things he's doing, which makes it easy for us to be there for him in the way he needs and to be a good example * Allowing him to have lots of small failures. Whenever I can let him experience a small consequence that won't be too bad, I do. This has been super helpful. He's learned how to prevent lots of bigger ones. I mean for things like small falls. * Generally allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions as much as possible, both good and bad. Even if it has a negative consequence for him, as long as it's not too much. * Good sleep, minimal medical interventions, generally relying on the body to be an expert at a body thanks to millions of years of evolutionary refinement * Giving him exposure to as many things that he might enjoy as possible (hobbies and activity wise), and helping him have a positive first experience. Then the rest is on him. But if I can give him positive first experiences to dozens of activities, then I trust he'll be able to find some he loves. If I didn't expose him to them, he might not find them, and if I didn't help him have a positive first exposure, then he might not find an interest. But then after that he's on his own with it other than if he shows a ton of interest in it I'll support his interest * Not doing things for him that I don't want to do. I keep my "debt" at zero. I don't want to do anything that'll make me build up subtle resentment toward him. * Allow him to keep the responsibility for things. Yesterday he climbed into a box and gets stuck. Rather than help him out, I put a hand on his back, helped him breathe, then encouraged him that he'll be able to get out, and sure enough he did. * I don't do things for him once unless I'd do them for him always (if I let him do something once, he'll expect it the next time, so then either I need to disappoint him, or I need to do something I don't want to do) * I aim to be as predictable as possible for him and to help his world be predictable. The brain is a prediction engine and hates surprises, so I minimize the surprises he has to deal with * My view is that by 10-13 or so I'll need to have taught him any skills and given him the emotional associations (things I hope he avoids and seeks), because he won't listen much after that. Emotional associations I'll never try and lecture to him, I'll only try and show him so he develops the emotional learning himself * My view is that I'm aiming to make myself obsolete as a parent. I eventually want him to not need me. * At first, protect him from the realities of the world. Then, introduce the realities of the world one tiny piece at a time so that by the time he's an adult, it's not a shock that he has to adapt to all at once.
sdfghswe 3y ago
My toddler is 18 months right now and he never stops long enough for me to get a whole phrase out. How have you taught him "emotional regulation"?
- tikkun 3y ago
  By physical actions. I don't explain much to him, I do it / show it. When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him. Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths. By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.
  - sdfghswe 3y ago
    No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation? What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in check", least of all when I was 18 months.
    - tikkun 3y ago
      It sounds like you're talking more about the knowledge of what emotional regulation is and what it means - totally agree that at 18 mo he had approximately zero understanding of that. I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any understanding of what it means.
      - sdfghswe 3y ago
        I will start doing this.
june_twenty 3y ago
A lot of these could be due to temperment rather than learned behaviour..

by tikkun 3y ago

tikkun 3y ago

More things: * As much as possible, other than basic bodily needs, made him adjust to us rather than us adjusting to him. This way we're calm and not stressed by things he's doing, which makes it easy for us to be there for him in the way he needs and to be a good example * Allowing him to have lots of small failures. Whenever I can let him experience a small consequence that won't be too bad, I do. This has been super helpful. He's learned how to prevent lots of bigger ones. I mean for things like small falls. * Generally allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions as much as possible, both good and bad. Even if it has a negative consequence for him, as long as it's not too much. * Good sleep, minimal medical interventions, generally relying on the body to be an expert at a body thanks to millions of years of evolutionary refinement * Giving him exposure to as many things that he might enjoy as possible (hobbies and activity wise), and helping him have a positive first experience. Then the rest is on him. But if I can give him positive first experiences to dozens of activities, then I trust he'll be able to find some he loves. If I didn't expose him to them, he might not find them, and if I didn't help him have a positive first exposure, then he might not find an interest. But then after that he's on his own with it other than if he shows a ton of interest in it I'll support his interest * Not doing things for him that I don't want to do. I keep my "debt" at zero. I don't want to do anything that'll make me build up subtle resentment toward him. * Allow him to keep the responsibility for things. Yesterday he climbed into a box and gets stuck. Rather than help him out, I put a hand on his back, helped him breathe, then encouraged him that he'll be able to get out, and sure enough he did. * I don't do things for him once unless I'd do them for him always (if I let him do something once, he'll expect it the next time, so then either I need to disappoint him, or I need to do something I don't want to do) * I aim to be as predictable as possible for him and to help his world be predictable. The brain is a prediction engine and hates surprises, so I minimize the surprises he has to deal with * My view is that by 10-13 or so I'll need to have taught him any skills and given him the emotional associations (things I hope he avoids and seeks), because he won't listen much after that. Emotional associations I'll never try and lecture to him, I'll only try and show him so he develops the emotional learning himself * My view is that I'm aiming to make myself obsolete as a parent. I eventually want him to not need me. * At first, protect him from the realities of the world. Then, introduce the realities of the world one tiny piece at a time so that by the time he's an adult, it's not a shock that he has to adapt to all at once.

sdfghswe 3y ago

My toddler is 18 months right now and he never stops long enough for me to get a whole phrase out. How have you taught him "emotional regulation"?

tikkun 3y ago
By physical actions. I don't explain much to him, I do it / show it. When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him. Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths. By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.
- sdfghswe 3y ago
  No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation? What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in check", least of all when I was 18 months.
  - tikkun 3y ago
    It sounds like you're talking more about the knowledge of what emotional regulation is and what it means - totally agree that at 18 mo he had approximately zero understanding of that. I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any understanding of what it means.
    - sdfghswe 3y ago
      I will start doing this.

june_twenty 3y ago

A lot of these could be due to temperment rather than learned behaviour..