A Page From A Diary

I mean, what is a guy like me supposed to do right? I could stop smoking so as to be better off financially hence able to indulge in activities, but have I not been trying? Have I not been trying for the past 3 months or so and seriously trying for the past at least month? What is a guy like me supposed to do? Very poor, very intelligent, minimal social contacts. What, what are my options? Follow my career path, yes of course, but am I to suffer for the next 3 years? Am I to go on still as I have for the past seven years? You know I’ve pored my heart to that website. I have spent god knows how much time on it and finally I achieved near perfection and you know what happens? It has been shut down because I have been unable to afford my bill and instead focused on getting money to feed my habit rather than pay the fuckin bill. I nearly achieved perfection you know. I vertically aligned it which has given it a very clean and simple look and today finished my header with a little cute logo on it, it was just, it was just the stuff of passionate and determined hard work and what happens? It gets closed. Now! Now that it has gone from only 2 people to 20. Now, now that I sorted out all the adverts! Now, now that i finally finished design aspects! It is always drama with me isn’t it? It is always at the edge of failure, always at the edge of the unattainable, always at the edge. Such position does indeed at times give me such deep and utterly profound emotions never experienced before, but god knows what it does to my physical wellbeing. I have been seeing convincing similiarities between dreams (as in sleep time dreams) and reality. One of the most startling but at the same time edglite is this conviction of the reality that is held with dreaming. In no way, at no point, most of the time while dreaming, do I doubt its reality. It is assumed, it is not a dream until I am awake. Sometimes I go to the edge and ask whether it is infact a dream. Very rearly do I succeed in such realisation; in fact I can not recall a time that I have. I do recall being at the edge tho, at times thinking that it might be a dream, but not unlike in real life such thoughts are shaken off rather quickly. There is no seriousness in considering the question, it is from the moment that it is made intuitively untrue. That our intuitions might lie to us I have not thought of, but that they do I am unable to doubt. There are many instances when awoken I ask why did I not go ahead and do that, Why was I held back by other considerations, it was just a fucking dream. It is not hard to imagine myself waking up in some bed in some house the moment I die. What I will remember I am unable to say, probably nothing. What i would expect though is familiarity not only with the environment surrounding me, but myself and my life which clearly right now I have no clue of what it is. Sometimes I see dreams which present characters or events which are familiar to me. They are familiar because I had dreamed of them before. It might be my mind playing while I am asleep, maybe it has run out of content, but I do not think that there is anything truer in life than this: Whatever I have wished for it has been granted to me. Even a character for heavens sake. Anything, any fucking thing I have wished for has come to materialise. So what am I to make of it? What else but that reality is a dream as real as reality itself. I have though decided not to use wishes. It feels as if I am selling my soul to setan because every wish that has come to pass has had more nightmares than dreams. I wish to feel, experience everything that life throws at me and indeed embrace the rality aspect of what might aswell be a dream. I feel weary of easy taking and giving for if each dream was ment to be like i wished it then it surley would have been so. The last dream I saw was a rather fascinating one because I had arrived at an insight about something. I was dealing with a complex problem but the complexity lay in my perception of a given something rather than on that given something itself. I though, when I woke up, that I had been discussing a truth which was being revealed and explained to myself. The dream I think ended with my grasp of such truth, the last words probably were Ahha. So why do I bring this up? Because excitement and other emotions which are brought up in certain unique circumstances would vanish in a world in which what one wishes materialises. There would be no secrets to be revealed in such world, no struggles to be overcomed and no joy to be felt.