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> You might think that the best conversationalists wait patiently for their partners to finish talking before they start concocting a response in their head. It

> You might think that the best conversationalists wait patiently for their partners to finish talking before they start concocting a response in their head. It turns out that we like people the best when they respond to us the fastest––so fast (mere milliseconds!) that they must be formulating their reply long before we finish our turn. Abundant affordances allow for this rapid-fire rapport, each utterance offering an obvious opportunity to respond. I agree with the general thrust of the essay. But, I'm not sure how this part — especially the last sentence — works in practice: yes, abundant affordances provide many opportunities to respond, but if you stop listening before the other person finishes, in order to formulate your response, you miss most of what they said. That seems like a transactional way of communicating. You'll have something to say on your 'turn', but you won't actually be discussing much. Careful listening and actual curiosity about the other person are the keys to conversation, in my experience.

count 4y ago
I think listening and waiting is best for establishing understanding, but the line here says it's about 'liking' people the best, which is pretty different in practice.
- zmgsabst 4y ago
  My experience is that people like people who make them feel understood.
armoredkitten 4y ago
Yeah, I'd be curious to dig into the specifics of that research a little more. My gut is telling me that there may be other factors at play that could explain this sort of thing. People who respond quickly are likely also showing signs of eagerness -- nodding your head, smiling, saying "yeah" or "oh wow!", in ways that may communicate enthusiasm for the subject (even if it's really just eagerness to jump in and say what they want to say). Sitting back and listening carefully may also be accompanied by body language suggesting being withdrawn or uninterested in engaging further -- even if they are, indeed, quite interested. I'm just speculating at this point, and certainly I'm only talking about broad, generalized patterns. But I would expect body language is an important factor to account for in this sort of research.
- gwill 4y ago
  something kind of adjacent to this is the japanese practice of _aizuchi_, or the sounds they make while listening to someone talking. it's pretty engrained in the culture there and it can be taken as rude or a sign that you’re not listening if you don't use it.
notahacker 4y ago
I think most people are capable of listening and formulating a reply simultaneously, particularly if the reply is along the lines of "oh really" or "me too" which I suspect is the sort of rapid response that research indicates people prefer to pauses. I'm not convinced a swiftly delivered "but enough of that, let me tell you a very interesting fact about..." has quite the same positive effect :)

count 4y ago

I think listening and waiting is best for establishing understanding, but the line here says it's about 'liking' people the best, which is pretty different in practice.

zmgsabst 4y ago
My experience is that people like people who make them feel understood.

armoredkitten 4y ago

Yeah, I'd be curious to dig into the specifics of that research a little more. My gut is telling me that there may be other factors at play that could explain this sort of thing. People who respond quickly are likely also showing signs of eagerness -- nodding your head, smiling, saying "yeah" or "oh wow!", in ways that may communicate enthusiasm for the subject (even if it's really just eagerness to jump in and say what they want to say). Sitting back and listening carefully may also be accompanied by body language suggesting being withdrawn or uninterested in engaging further -- even if they are, indeed, quite interested. I'm just speculating at this point, and certainly I'm only talking about broad, generalized patterns. But I would expect body language is an important factor to account for in this sort of research.

gwill 4y ago
something kind of adjacent to this is the japanese practice of _aizuchi_, or the sounds they make while listening to someone talking. it's pretty engrained in the culture there and it can be taken as rude or a sign that you’re not listening if you don't use it.

notahacker 4y ago

I think most people are capable of listening and formulating a reply simultaneously, particularly if the reply is along the lines of "oh really" or "me too" which I suspect is the sort of rapid response that research indicates people prefer to pauses. I'm not convinced a swiftly delivered "but enough of that, let me tell you a very interesting fact about..." has quite the same positive effect :)