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I am in no way trying to invalidate the anguish that the author or people in this thread have suffered. I simply want to share my experience with having parents

I am in no way trying to invalidate the anguish that the author or people in this thread have suffered. I simply want to share my experience with having parents that beat me in a culture where it is commonplace. I grew up in a Muslim country where I and everyone else I knew received the same level of physical punishment as part of the general parenting strategy. Some call this normalized child abuse - when I moved to a Western country for work and discussed this type of upbringing with others, they claimed I was abused and oblivious ("repressing"), and they seemed shocked at the fact that it didn't bother me or that it hasn't affected my relationship with my family. If I had been the only person receiving beatings and everyone else at my school was telling me I was being abused, I may have also deemed my father to be a monster, but I assumed the punishments were justified. Someone may take this to imply that whether you see your parent as a monster or not depends on the context (on whether it is culturally acceptable or not) and that there is nothing inherently damaging about receiving beatings. Others may conclude that cultures where beating children is acceptable are barbaric and their children do indeed suffer lifelong trauma but manage to cope (if they do not seem to have been affected). I don't have enough data to draw any conclusions myself. However, and this is my man point, a charitable view of the issue may at least make a distinction between parents who are intentionally hurting their children because of their own issues, and parents who believe physical punishment (or any form of a strict, stern upbringing) is a valid method for raising your children. Is it possible that the father of the OP, being Chinese, thought he was doing the right thing at the time? One interesting thing I noted is that even in Western countries, beatings are more common and accepted in certain groups. Some Black and Hispanic friends of mine have joked about how hard their parents beat them, but I have yet to meet a White person who thinks of beating children as anything more than abuse.

bigbacaloa 3y ago
In the US South when I was growing up it was common for white parents to whip their kids with a belt. However, in every culture where this kind of beating is common there are parents who do not engage in it, who recognize that violence is the weakest form of authority.
atoav 3y ago
This kind of punishment was very common in most western nations two or three generations ago as well. So if you talk with people from my father's generation it is very common to hear stories of physical punishment by parents and teachers. Fifteen years ago the common opinion there was "well it didn't hurt me because everybody got it". Only, people realized that it actually did hurt them, they just buried it deep down. They realized that the "strong hand" of their elders was actually a sign of weakness. If you cannot guide a kid without beating them, you are an utter failure as an adult.
pavlov 3y ago
> “I don't have enough data to draw any conclusions myself.” The field of psychiatry exists to collect this kind of data and draw conclusions. Doctors agree that physical abuse is traumatizing to children. Not all of them certainly, but a significant amount. Think about whether you’d want to perpetuate this kind of treatment onto your own children. Would you hit them knowing that there’s a non-negligible chance they’ll be working out that treatment decades later with a therapist? What would you actually gain by doing that? There’s no productive reason to hit children. If the only justification is “I was beaten too”, then you have the power to stop the cycle.
- febusravenga 3y ago
  I don't believe psychiatry here. Life is tough experience in many aspects for most of us. We experience many forms of abuse not only physical, psychical too .... But psychical is harder too prove and measure. How they quantify all circumstances and decide that physical violence was determining or significantly more important here? Most people can't even recognize or name psychical traumas they live through... We all just grow scars and being traumatized by ever new experiences whole life. Which was worst? You will have immediate reply to what will say here. I was beaten - not too hard in my early youth. It was common in our times/area my parents weren't hard on this. I don't blame them.I'm completely fine with this. I didn't beat my already teen children. What I remember more was schaming by peers and or aunt's, whole catholic environment and other variations of minor - would would say - psychical violence. I was very shy and awkward for most of my life most probably thanks to this and not few beatings. But beating is easy to name, detect and measure. Physical violence is easy to beat boy in whole spectrum of violence. Edit: typos on phone
  - pxc 3y ago
    > What I remember more was schaming by peers and or aunt's, whole catholic environment and other variations of minor - would would say - psychical violence. I was very shy and awkward for most of my life most probably thanks to this and not few beatings. But beating is easy to name, detect and measure. There is research on emotional abuse, too, actually. And generally, it has a bigger and more lasting impact than physical abuse alone (but they often go together).
jstarfish 3y ago
> they claimed I was abused and oblivious ("repressing") Leading the witness... I once had to fight with a therapist who tried to coach me into admitting similar when nothing remotely of the sort even happened. It was surreal, and happened right around the time of the Ramona "repressed trauma"/"false memory" mess (same school of thought?). The Ramona one must have been the only therapist brazen enough to be caught doing it because she certainly wasn't alone. From what I've seen since, "repression" has become the retcon of psychology...commercialized gaslighting and externalization. If you're deluded enough to think your parents didn't abuse you, that's just because you're not remembering it right. For just $150 a session, I'll show you how your parents are to blame for all your failures.

bigbacaloa 3y ago

In the US South when I was growing up it was common for white parents to whip their kids with a belt. However, in every culture where this kind of beating is common there are parents who do not engage in it, who recognize that violence is the weakest form of authority.

atoav 3y ago

This kind of punishment was very common in most western nations two or three generations ago as well. So if you talk with people from my father's generation it is very common to hear stories of physical punishment by parents and teachers. Fifteen years ago the common opinion there was "well it didn't hurt me because everybody got it". Only, people realized that it actually did hurt them, they just buried it deep down. They realized that the "strong hand" of their elders was actually a sign of weakness. If you cannot guide a kid without beating them, you are an utter failure as an adult.

pavlov 3y ago

> “I don't have enough data to draw any conclusions myself.” The field of psychiatry exists to collect this kind of data and draw conclusions. Doctors agree that physical abuse is traumatizing to children. Not all of them certainly, but a significant amount. Think about whether you’d want to perpetuate this kind of treatment onto your own children. Would you hit them knowing that there’s a non-negligible chance they’ll be working out that treatment decades later with a therapist? What would you actually gain by doing that? There’s no productive reason to hit children. If the only justification is “I was beaten too”, then you have the power to stop the cycle.

febusravenga 3y ago
I don't believe psychiatry here. Life is tough experience in many aspects for most of us. We experience many forms of abuse not only physical, psychical too .... But psychical is harder too prove and measure. How they quantify all circumstances and decide that physical violence was determining or significantly more important here? Most people can't even recognize or name psychical traumas they live through... We all just grow scars and being traumatized by ever new experiences whole life. Which was worst? You will have immediate reply to what will say here. I was beaten - not too hard in my early youth. It was common in our times/area my parents weren't hard on this. I don't blame them.I'm completely fine with this. I didn't beat my already teen children. What I remember more was schaming by peers and or aunt's, whole catholic environment and other variations of minor - would would say - psychical violence. I was very shy and awkward for most of my life most probably thanks to this and not few beatings. But beating is easy to name, detect and measure. Physical violence is easy to beat boy in whole spectrum of violence. Edit: typos on phone
- pxc 3y ago
  > What I remember more was schaming by peers and or aunt's, whole catholic environment and other variations of minor - would would say - psychical violence. I was very shy and awkward for most of my life most probably thanks to this and not few beatings. But beating is easy to name, detect and measure. There is research on emotional abuse, too, actually. And generally, it has a bigger and more lasting impact than physical abuse alone (but they often go together).

jstarfish 3y ago

> they claimed I was abused and oblivious ("repressing") Leading the witness... I once had to fight with a therapist who tried to coach me into admitting similar when nothing remotely of the sort even happened. It was surreal, and happened right around the time of the Ramona "repressed trauma"/"false memory" mess (same school of thought?). The Ramona one must have been the only therapist brazen enough to be caught doing it because she certainly wasn't alone. From what I've seen since, "repression" has become the retcon of psychology...commercialized gaslighting and externalization. If you're deluded enough to think your parents didn't abuse you, that's just because you're not remembering it right. For just $150 a session, I'll show you how your parents are to blame for all your failures.