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It's not that the child deserves abuse, it's that parents are put in a situation that they cannot handle without the tools to deal with it. The situation is ne

by yarg 3y ago

It's not that the child deserves abuse, it's that parents are put in a situation that they cannot handle without the tools to deal with it. The situation is never going to change if you refuse to consider the contributing factors - a stubborn child is hard to deal with, especially under resource restricted circumstances. Denying that reality does nothing to improve either the child's or parent's behaviour or the manners in which each responds to the others.

watwut 3y ago
I am parent and one of my kids is stubborn. (One of my friends described her as "prototype of stubbornness", it was really defining temperamental feature, and not just my observation.) Stubborn kid is not what causes abuse, commitment to absolute control over the kid does. There are definitely more difficult issues with kids then stubbornness. And that is the issue with this argument - perfectly normal kids gets treated badly and blamed for perfectly normal behavior. Yes, kids with issues end up being abused more often, but you do not even describe yourself having adhd or autism or some other hard issue. ------------------- When I became parent, I became less tolerant of these "maybe the kid was just too hard". Because, I realized that decision between abuse or not is fairly often conscious choice. Adults say hurtful things to manipulate kids into what they want or to vent their emotions. They know full well what they are doing, they just think they are entitled to do it. Or they genuinely think that the kid is not entitled better treatment and deserves it. It is not always inability to do otherwise in technical sense. It is unwillingness to do so and sense that it is just to hurt the kid. When I became parent, I gained some insight into some of what my mom did. More understanding did not lead to "parents were actually right I see now" nonsense. I became retroactively angry, because I realized how much of "bad stuff" was knowing and intentional. (It was not even abuse, nothing that bad. More of, stuff like insulting me to manipulate me into something. That sort of more minor stuff. But still, conscious.)
- em-bee 3y ago
  i think you are talking about very different experiences. neither can be generalized. and accepting that the parents had a weakness that led to their treatment doesn't mean that they were right. you can be wrong but still be unable to do it right.

by yarg 3y ago

watwut 3y ago

I am parent and one of my kids is stubborn. (One of my friends described her as "prototype of stubbornness", it was really defining temperamental feature, and not just my observation.) Stubborn kid is not what causes abuse, commitment to absolute control over the kid does. There are definitely more difficult issues with kids then stubbornness. And that is the issue with this argument - perfectly normal kids gets treated badly and blamed for perfectly normal behavior. Yes, kids with issues end up being abused more often, but you do not even describe yourself having adhd or autism or some other hard issue. ------------------- When I became parent, I became less tolerant of these "maybe the kid was just too hard". Because, I realized that decision between abuse or not is fairly often conscious choice. Adults say hurtful things to manipulate kids into what they want or to vent their emotions. They know full well what they are doing, they just think they are entitled to do it. Or they genuinely think that the kid is not entitled better treatment and deserves it. It is not always inability to do otherwise in technical sense. It is unwillingness to do so and sense that it is just to hurt the kid. When I became parent, I gained some insight into some of what my mom did. More understanding did not lead to "parents were actually right I see now" nonsense. I became retroactively angry, because I realized how much of "bad stuff" was knowing and intentional. (It was not even abuse, nothing that bad. More of, stuff like insulting me to manipulate me into something. That sort of more minor stuff. But still, conscious.)

em-bee 3y ago
i think you are talking about very different experiences. neither can be generalized. and accepting that the parents had a weakness that led to their treatment doesn't mean that they were right. you can be wrong but still be unable to do it right.