5 ms·
"Of course this is Asian parents," I thought as I saw the Chinese characters. Every time I read something like this, it's a wave of sadness and empathy, then i
by snapetom 3y ago
"Of course this is Asian parents," I thought as I saw the Chinese characters.
Every time I read something like this, it's a wave of sadness and empathy, then it's a wave of anger. I'm a generation older than the author, and went through a similar experience with my mother. I witnessed my cousin be thrown against the drywall so hard, he broke it. I'm convinced he has permanent brain damage today due to the abuse he suffered.
I learned from my uncle recently that my aunt and my mother were the product of horrendous and similar abuse from my grandmother. My grandmother, who my mother made out to be a saint.
Every fucking generation, this filial piety bullshit repeats itself.
- JKCalhoun 3y agoIt's not just Asians though, but you probably know that.
- snapetom 3y ago[flagged]
- JKCalhoun 3y ago> Is it common in western cultures for abusers, who have been abused, to praise and speak highly of their abusers? Was that the criteria? I assumed we were talking about being beaten by your parents — of which I, non-Asian, know something about. (And parent was beaten by their parent....) (I've never given a shit about internet points.)
- snapetom 3y agoAgain I said the symptoms of abuse might be the same but the root causes are different. You blatantly ignore that.
- seattle_spring 3y agoWho was making any arguments against different “root causes”? As far as I can tell, no one was until you chimed in. Are you trying to say that non-Asians suffering emotional and physical abuse is somehow lesser because there are different “root causes”?
- snapetom 3y agoI made a comment on the original article pointing out a cultural and historical reason for the generations of cyclical abuse. JK generalized this, which clearly makes a different argument for root cause of abuse. Is filial piety a part of Western Culture? No, not even close. Honor thy mother and father is not even comparable to the level of filial piety. Poverty, lack of education, substance abuse - that is universal causes for abuse. However, filial piety is another cause and unique to Asian cultures. Incredible to me how this is lost by so many here.
- deleted 3y ago[deleted]
- seattle_spring 3y agoThe article isn’t about filial piety though? It’s about generational abuse, in this case likely caused by filial piety. It almost seems like you’re gatekeeping others who have experienced abuse, downplaying it as somehow lesser than that experienced by Asian children.
- dang 3y agoHonestly, I really think you misread JKCalhoun, and then responded to that rather than to what JKCalhoun actually said. This happens a lot online, of course - especially on topics about which people are justly sensitive. It's not your fault and it's not unique to you. We all do it. It's inevitable. What's not inevitable is attacking other people. That's not allowed here. Much better is to keep the possibility of misreadings and misunderstandings in one's attention, and use it as a device to help one remain neutral, or at least respectful, in responding to people.
- knaik94 3y agoThe cycle of abuse is not unique to Asian parenting, unfortunately. I learned from some friends that Russian culture normalizes abusive behavior from parents just like Asian culture. I think the similarity might be being a morally conservative culture. Even coming from an Asian background, my cousin's parents who grew up in a city see the world very differently from the the way my parents do. I'm not saying this to be contrarian, and I believe neither was the other person who responded. HN is not a place where people care about internet points. https://www.undispatch.com/here-is-how-every-country-ranks-on-child-safety/ https://www.undispatch.com/here-is-how-every-country-ranks-o...
- dang 3y agoI'm afraid your posts in this thread (that is, this one and https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35847273 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35847273) have broken the site guidelines. Can you please review https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and use HN in the intended spirit? It's extremely important on sensitive subjects to remain respectful towards other users. To be clear, you are both welcome here and welcome to share your experience. But please do it without crossing into personal attack or flamewar. There's plenty of room to share your experience without those things, and doing so will increase the odds of you being heard correctly.
- snapetom 3y agoI appreciate the fine line HN does at moderation, so feel free to delete the comments. I'm not going to delete them myself because OP's original comment is incredibly insulting and trivializes the cultural roots of abuse suffered by Asian children. There's a reason r/asianparentstories aren't funny hahaha stories and all center around abuse experiences.
- tinycombinator 3y agoIt's one thing to trivialize asian abuse situations with what-abouts. It's another to make a bold statement that trivializes everything else.
- JKCalhoun 3y agoI feel like I pissed you off inadvertently, I certainly didn't mean to. I am putting together a memorial for my mother and had been thinking about whether to be honest about the abuse my sister and I suffered when we were young. I know my mother too was abused as a child by her mother so I have decided it is worth telling because her abuse toward us illustrates as much her own abusive childhood. I simply wanted to make it clear that the pattern of abuse is not a cultural thing, it is a human thing. I worry that my adding "but you probably know that" came across wrong and I wish I could go back and edit/delete that part. I added it because I thought my comment that non-Asians can show patterns of abuse was kind of obvious and I was acknowledging that it was obvious. It reads to me now like a snarky attack on your motives but it was not intended to be. I'll take your word for it though that this is a prevalent pattern in Asian culture. I have worked for 26 years alongside Asians in the Bay Area, 50% of my managers in my career were Asian, I hosted an Asian as a foreign exchange student for a year ... I have never heard of this darker side of the culture.
- throwaway_8926 3y agoIt's widespread in asian families where the parents grew up poor. Kids are abused by their parents, who were abused by their parents, who... It's not uncommon for aunts/uncles to turn a blind eye to child abuse. They just don't care because they see it as some sort of rite of passage, or because they view it as something that could never compare to the horrors of the motherland. My father beat me so I went to my uncle (non-blood) for help and you know what I got? Another ass beating. The culture just doesn't view it as abuse unless you end up in the hospital, because at least you aren't starving to death.
- agumonkey 3y agoMy mother worships her parents who had deep issues. Not asian, but also from poor and harsh life conditions. She suffers from my father's abuse (father who also had troubled parents) and accepts everything cause she has no other solution in her mind. She hates violence and thus doesnt want to fight back(she tries more these days though) Of course i'm also fucked up. We all try to analyse and understand our parents wounds.. even though it seems fruitless. A good enough family lineage is a rare form of wealth.