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Practice "aggressive friendship". People love being invited to things so when you find someone you like, start asking them out. Play tennis. See a movie. Get co

Practice "aggressive friendship". People love being invited to things so when you find someone you like, start asking them out. Play tennis. See a movie. Get coffee. Happy hour after work. Walk through the park. Get lunch at work. Be respectful, be ok with a no, but believe that you are worth spending time with. And count on the fact that most folks are lonely too, and will jump at the opportunity to hang, an opportunity you are now providing. The other thing I'll say is that I feel very lucky to have made friends with people who were already part of a big friend group. It's hard to build your own community from scratch, it is much easier to join an existing one. Birthday parties, shows, cook outs, are group events and making friends with friends of your friends builds out your web. It's hard work, I was pretty lonely for the first two years after I moved out to the bay knowing no one, but building relationships is one of the most rewarding uses of time I know.

woeirua 3y ago
This x 100. In many ways making friends as an adult is like romantic dating, but should be less stressful and easier. You just have to start asking people to do things together. You'll find that you really connect with some people, and others you won't but don't despair. Just keep "dating" until you find a group of people you enjoy hanging out with and who enjoy having you around.
- hinkley 3y ago
  My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends. I mirror other people, always have. If they are happy to see me, I'm happy to see them. But if they don't call, I don't call. If we are both introverts we collectively decide that the other person thinks we're a toad and nobody likes us. If it weren't for the "Extrovert who collects introverts" trope I'd probably have no friends at all (or at least, prior to volunteering). There are a bunch of people I only ever see when we both show up at a third person's house or event.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
  - carlosjobim 3y ago
    > My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends. Please don't, that is not dignified neither for you nor for the people you put there. You could even call it creepy. I had an acquaintance a few years ago that was a hacker type and I suspect he was doing that, and automatizing "what's up"-messages.
    - hinkley 3y ago
      Even when I'm doing the sending it still devolves to "what's up" 10% of the time.
  - comprambler 3y ago
    Just occurred to me that people CRM is called a phone book! Add notes, bdays, pics, etc.
  - navigate8310 3y ago
    You should really check out https://github.com/monicahq/monica https://github.com/monicahq/monica
Micoloth 3y ago
> believe that you are worth spending time with Yes but what if you are not, Lol This sounds like generic motivational stuff.. In reality, you’ll find out that people will see it immediatly, they’ll get annoyed at you very quickly, and they sure as hell have ways to let you know I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..
- namaria 3y ago
  "Nobody knows what's wrong with themselves, and everyone else can see it right away."
  - darkteflon 3y ago
    One of Mad Men’s best quotes. I’m also partial to: “That’s what the money is for!”
- rchaud 3y ago
  > I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- That was not what occurred to me as I read your comment. I would have thought the next step would be to try again, and then again, until eventually you find the people that can tolerate you, and even like you for who you are. They exist! The problem with adult friendships is that, much like dating, people think they can do much better than they actually can. We feel we should have friends that are funnier, more artistic, more educated. And then we go out and pursue these people, only to realize that we don't fit in with them -- our lifestyles and backgrounds are too different -- there's a reason we made the friends we did. If you want to change that, then you'll have to change your personality to be "worth" those other people's time. But before that, perhaps you could pause for a moment to recognize the people who did appreciate you as you were.
  - missingrib 3y ago
    This is a pretty weird view of it I think. Ranking people in that way.
singularity2001 3y ago
How do you find people that you like?

woeirua 3y ago

This x 100. In many ways making friends as an adult is like romantic dating, but should be less stressful and easier. You just have to start asking people to do things together. You'll find that you really connect with some people, and others you won't but don't despair. Just keep "dating" until you find a group of people you enjoy hanging out with and who enjoy having you around.

hinkley 3y ago
My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends. I mirror other people, always have. If they are happy to see me, I'm happy to see them. But if they don't call, I don't call. If we are both introverts we collectively decide that the other person thinks we're a toad and nobody likes us. If it weren't for the "Extrovert who collects introverts" trope I'd probably have no friends at all (or at least, prior to volunteering). There are a bunch of people I only ever see when we both show up at a third person's house or event.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- carlosjobim 3y ago
  > My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends. Please don't, that is not dignified neither for you nor for the people you put there. You could even call it creepy. I had an acquaintance a few years ago that was a hacker type and I suspect he was doing that, and automatizing "what's up"-messages.
  - hinkley 3y ago
    Even when I'm doing the sending it still devolves to "what's up" 10% of the time.
- comprambler 3y ago
  Just occurred to me that people CRM is called a phone book! Add notes, bdays, pics, etc.
- navigate8310 3y ago
  You should really check out https://github.com/monicahq/monica https://github.com/monicahq/monica

Micoloth 3y ago

> believe that you are worth spending time with Yes but what if you are not, Lol This sounds like generic motivational stuff.. In reality, you’ll find out that people will see it immediatly, they’ll get annoyed at you very quickly, and they sure as hell have ways to let you know I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..

namaria 3y ago
"Nobody knows what's wrong with themselves, and everyone else can see it right away."
- darkteflon 3y ago
  One of Mad Men’s best quotes. I’m also partial to: “That’s what the money is for!”
rchaud 3y ago
> I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- That was not what occurred to me as I read your comment. I would have thought the next step would be to try again, and then again, until eventually you find the people that can tolerate you, and even like you for who you are. They exist! The problem with adult friendships is that, much like dating, people think they can do much better than they actually can. We feel we should have friends that are funnier, more artistic, more educated. And then we go out and pursue these people, only to realize that we don't fit in with them -- our lifestyles and backgrounds are too different -- there's a reason we made the friends we did. If you want to change that, then you'll have to change your personality to be "worth" those other people's time. But before that, perhaps you could pause for a moment to recognize the people who did appreciate you as you were.
- missingrib 3y ago
  This is a pretty weird view of it I think. Ranking people in that way.

singularity2001 3y ago

How do you find people that you like?