What a year it's been. I wrestle with all kinds of issues. The core is that I'm just not the kind of person I was 5 years ago, and not in a positive direction.

What a year it's been. I wrestle with all kinds of issues. The core is that I'm just not the kind of person I was 5 years ago, and not in a positive direction. 2018 jvanderbot was much more ambitious, fit, friendly, social, and active. I was laid off in OCT right as I bought a house and moved cross country, am struggling to make an impact at new job, even though they have short timelines and high hopes. I had strep for nearly two months somehow, my dad died, and my kids are taking up increasing amounts of time. I enjoy side projects but am frankly too low energy to do anything but play games with friends most nights, which I'm lucky to be able to do. On top of that marriage is getting rocky. In a few years my kids will go to school, and the violence targeting children is depressing. I've come to the conclusion that life is meaningless, disappointing, and short. People are selfish and incapable of real help when needed. I am treading water until I can come to terms with that. Im trying to exercise, have done therapy before and it never helps, and am on medication and so on. There's just not much I seem to be able to do at the moment, so, continue treading water.