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This is pet issue of mine, as I am often a guest and have rarely had the means to reciprocate the hospitality I have been offered. Even times when I did have so

This is pet issue of mine, as I am often a guest and have rarely had the means to reciprocate the hospitality I have been offered. Even times when I did have something that was mine to share, the percieved power imbalance in sharing it was sometimes odd in the relationship. However, I almost always accept hospitality because I know what a pleasure it is to give it, and I never feel like I owe someone anything as a result, as it would be a huge insult to them to interpret their generosity as having strings. As I have become older, I've also learned to be a bit suspicious of people who don't accept hospitality or insist weirdly on splitting down to the cent because it is a good indicator they are reserving some moral license to betray or otherwise screw you later. I've heard them say it's a matter of being equal, yet they haven't considered that in rejecting my goodwill they have admitted that they have wasted my time. Picking up a tab is not settling debts either, that's taking an opportunity to add some value to the time you spend together. I know the feeling of the chips being down all too well, and interpeting someones generosity as pity, but that's the sting of pride, and it deprives people who actually like you of the enjoyment of being able to be some relief. The best way I have seen money spent on others is, "this thing is happening, it's already settled and done and everything is taken care of, we just need good company to be able to enjoy it, if you are able, you should really join us, there are no costs except getting there and maybe some drinks." I think that approach works all the way from concerts to holidays.

hammyhavoc 4y ago
>As I have become older, I've also learned to be a bit suspicious of people who don't accept hospitality or insist weirdly on splitting down to the cent because it is a good indicator they are reserving some moral license to betray or otherwise screw you later. This is a matter of background. In typical cliche style, I "grew up poor". Liverpool has some extremely poor areas. People try to have some dignity and don't like to accept what they feel is charity, and any generosity is usually seen as a gesture of trust and warmth by the person giving it. E.g., someone "buys a round" of drinks for everyone in your group, then someone else buys the next round, then the next etc, but if you don't buy a round then you're considered rude. My problem is that I never liked to drink quickly, thus it could sometimes be misinterpreted as rude or negative. Is it logical? No, not really, it's a cultural thing. Growing up poor, my family and friends had the sentiment that your own problems are your own problems and not anybody else's burden to carry. I also hate getting birthday presents because I feel like someone felt obligated to give in to societal expectation, probably over-spent on something I probably won't like and spent too much time on picking it out. Equally, I'm the guy that'd give you the shirt off his own back if it'd make you happy, and like to spoil others, but again, a lot of people grew up poor, I have made family and friends feel very uncomfortable at times by singling them out for special treatment. That sentiment about people giving your their last penny or the shirt off their own back rings true for a lot of folks around here. Nobody wants to accept it though! Social etiquette is a fucking complex tapdance, and with autism, I find it even harder lol.

hammyhavoc 4y ago

>As I have become older, I've also learned to be a bit suspicious of people who don't accept hospitality or insist weirdly on splitting down to the cent because it is a good indicator they are reserving some moral license to betray or otherwise screw you later. This is a matter of background. In typical cliche style, I "grew up poor". Liverpool has some extremely poor areas. People try to have some dignity and don't like to accept what they feel is charity, and any generosity is usually seen as a gesture of trust and warmth by the person giving it. E.g., someone "buys a round" of drinks for everyone in your group, then someone else buys the next round, then the next etc, but if you don't buy a round then you're considered rude. My problem is that I never liked to drink quickly, thus it could sometimes be misinterpreted as rude or negative. Is it logical? No, not really, it's a cultural thing. Growing up poor, my family and friends had the sentiment that your own problems are your own problems and not anybody else's burden to carry. I also hate getting birthday presents because I feel like someone felt obligated to give in to societal expectation, probably over-spent on something I probably won't like and spent too much time on picking it out. Equally, I'm the guy that'd give you the shirt off his own back if it'd make you happy, and like to spoil others, but again, a lot of people grew up poor, I have made family and friends feel very uncomfortable at times by singling them out for special treatment. That sentiment about people giving your their last penny or the shirt off their own back rings true for a lot of folks around here. Nobody wants to accept it though! Social etiquette is a fucking complex tapdance, and with autism, I find it even harder lol.