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At this age boys go through a profound neurological change. Check out “The Male Brain” I’ve advised a lot of parents at this stage, the prescription is always

At this age boys go through a profound neurological change. Check out “The Male Brain” I’ve advised a lot of parents at this stage, the prescription is always the same: Let go of extrinsic motivation (their brains are severely muted against it) Focus on cultivating empty time & space to find intrinsic motivation As a dad myself, even with this knowledge, it was scary to take off expectations and let my boys flounder But for both of them, as well as for the many other young men whose parents went this path, their son found their “thing” Once that took hold, achievement became their obsession We cannot expect boys to pursue excellence out of pleasing others or meeting some societal bar. It’s not sustainable, healthy, or effective. They need to experience the existential terror of “what am I going to do with my life?” without guardrails There are some boys who do excel at whatever their parents tell them to do, but that just delays this process to their 20s - meaning that all the investment made in college usually has minimal impact on what they actually end up doing.

alex_lav 3y ago
> Let go of extrinsic motivation (their brains are severely muted against it). Focus on cultivating empty time & space to find intrinsic motivation It's funny. My school had block scheduling, so four coursers per day at 80 minutes a piece, and a really insanely large catalogue of electives. We were the only school in the area and some kids' bus ride was 30 minutes or more, so it was very very well funded and had a lot of trade programs. I did a lot of dabbling. I always did horribly in my actual required classes, but on the flipside, found a lot of passion and fulfillment in the classes where, for the entirety of the semester, you kind of just had a single project that you were working on by yourself. You showed up to the room to check in and then just used the facilities to kind of do your own thing. I did all kinds of stuff. An electronics class, photography, jewelry making, metalcrafting, shop, programming. I actually believe it's a huge part of why I was able to even finish school in the first place. > But for both of them, as well as for the many other young men whose parents went this path, their son found their “thing” I started programming when I was 11, so even high school felt like kind of a joke, as I knew what I was going to do and also knew that high school for the most part wasn't teaching me it. Generally kind of a distraction. > but that just delays this process to their 20s I would say I still haven't really had this process. For better or worse, I guess.
JenrHywy 3y ago
This was my initial approach - we tried letting him flounder for a year - he just got more and more behind and more disconnected from school and family. The existential dread kicked in from time to time, but was never enough to break the immediate gratification of distraction. The only thing we've found that works is removing technology as much as possible, which, once the immediate habit was interrupted, he's been very grateful for.

alex_lav 3y ago

> Let go of extrinsic motivation (their brains are severely muted against it). Focus on cultivating empty time & space to find intrinsic motivation It's funny. My school had block scheduling, so four coursers per day at 80 minutes a piece, and a really insanely large catalogue of electives. We were the only school in the area and some kids' bus ride was 30 minutes or more, so it was very very well funded and had a lot of trade programs. I did a lot of dabbling. I always did horribly in my actual required classes, but on the flipside, found a lot of passion and fulfillment in the classes where, for the entirety of the semester, you kind of just had a single project that you were working on by yourself. You showed up to the room to check in and then just used the facilities to kind of do your own thing. I did all kinds of stuff. An electronics class, photography, jewelry making, metalcrafting, shop, programming. I actually believe it's a huge part of why I was able to even finish school in the first place. > But for both of them, as well as for the many other young men whose parents went this path, their son found their “thing” I started programming when I was 11, so even high school felt like kind of a joke, as I knew what I was going to do and also knew that high school for the most part wasn't teaching me it. Generally kind of a distraction. > but that just delays this process to their 20s I would say I still haven't really had this process. For better or worse, I guess.

JenrHywy 3y ago

This was my initial approach - we tried letting him flounder for a year - he just got more and more behind and more disconnected from school and family. The existential dread kicked in from time to time, but was never enough to break the immediate gratification of distraction. The only thing we've found that works is removing technology as much as possible, which, once the immediate habit was interrupted, he's been very grateful for.