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Your friends usually want to feel like they are your social peers; casually buying dinner for everyone reminds them that you're loaded and they aren't, but if t

Your friends usually want to feel like they are your social peers; casually buying dinner for everyone reminds them that you're loaded and they aren't, but if they chip in they can maintain that feeling of being on your level. I got a tech job in 2014 when all my friends were waiters and bartenders and I found myself in situations like this quite a bit. To what degree am I obligated to pay more, since I have more, versus protecting my friends feelings and not rubbing it in? Humans are complicated creatures!

Swizec 3y ago
> I got a tech job in 2014 when all my friends were waiters and bartenders I sort of have this “problem” with my family. Since moving to USA about 8 years ago, I’ve been able to build as much wealth as took my mom her whole life. My sister makes in a month what I make in a week. The balance I’ve found works best when we hang out is for me to take care of any flights or lodgings, the invisible expenses, and be on equal footing otherwise. You pay for some meals or drinks, I pay for others, it all about balances out. And sometimes I buy them tech they can’t afford or donate my old devices. They seem to feel better about receiving a device I no longer need than being bought a new one.
- steveBK123 3y ago
  Thats actually a great compromise and happy that it is working for your family. I've found a lot of parents have trouble switching from being providers to being provided for, especially if some of your siblings are still "takers". Personally my parents insist on us joining them on vacations I extremely don't want to go on (Orlando theme parks in peak 100F+ summer heat as 40ish couple w/o kids), and that they'll cover the expense.. when the expense isn't the issue, and 1/10th of what I'd spend on holiday.
  - Swizec 3y ago
    > vacations I extremely don't want to go on Why do you think I pay for flights and lodgings? ;) But really in my family’s case flights are expensive and quickly add up to a month of their income. It’s not that they don’t want to go somewhere fun, it’s that they can’t. And I’m tired of burning all my vacations on going back home. Flying them out somewhere fun is the obvious solution.
    - steveBK123 3y ago
      Yeah that's pretty great. It really depends on the people. People just have different tastes, and it's not just a cost thing. Of my parents & in-laws, really only my father in law would probably genuinely be able to enjoy going somewhere we chose. My mother in law and parents would probably actively dislike going.. About 10 years ago I stopped trying with certain things.. My parents anniversary one year we treated them to brunch at a place that's like.. not fancy, but wear a polo shirt & not sneakers.. but also its NYC so if you don't they aren't gonna kick you out anyway. Nothing adventurous food wise - chicken, steak, burger, pancakes, fries, eggs, whatever you imagine standard fare but done very well. It was clear they weren't enjoying it, and in a subsequent anniversary dinner they insisted we all go out to the place they chose - fried fish & laminated menus at a marina type thing.
    - vidarh 3y ago
      Flights and hotels are "perfect" for that kind of thing because the prices are so extremely variable as well. Much easier to "quietly upgrade" the whole experience without it getting weird that for a lot of other things.
- birdyrooster 3y ago
  The biggest thing is making sure people have choice when you are paying. Sometimes it can be that people are paying for control.
deleted 3y ago
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Swizec 3y ago

> I got a tech job in 2014 when all my friends were waiters and bartenders I sort of have this “problem” with my family. Since moving to USA about 8 years ago, I’ve been able to build as much wealth as took my mom her whole life. My sister makes in a month what I make in a week. The balance I’ve found works best when we hang out is for me to take care of any flights or lodgings, the invisible expenses, and be on equal footing otherwise. You pay for some meals or drinks, I pay for others, it all about balances out. And sometimes I buy them tech they can’t afford or donate my old devices. They seem to feel better about receiving a device I no longer need than being bought a new one.

steveBK123 3y ago
Thats actually a great compromise and happy that it is working for your family. I've found a lot of parents have trouble switching from being providers to being provided for, especially if some of your siblings are still "takers". Personally my parents insist on us joining them on vacations I extremely don't want to go on (Orlando theme parks in peak 100F+ summer heat as 40ish couple w/o kids), and that they'll cover the expense.. when the expense isn't the issue, and 1/10th of what I'd spend on holiday.
- Swizec 3y ago
  > vacations I extremely don't want to go on Why do you think I pay for flights and lodgings? ;) But really in my family’s case flights are expensive and quickly add up to a month of their income. It’s not that they don’t want to go somewhere fun, it’s that they can’t. And I’m tired of burning all my vacations on going back home. Flying them out somewhere fun is the obvious solution.
  - steveBK123 3y ago
    Yeah that's pretty great. It really depends on the people. People just have different tastes, and it's not just a cost thing. Of my parents & in-laws, really only my father in law would probably genuinely be able to enjoy going somewhere we chose. My mother in law and parents would probably actively dislike going.. About 10 years ago I stopped trying with certain things.. My parents anniversary one year we treated them to brunch at a place that's like.. not fancy, but wear a polo shirt & not sneakers.. but also its NYC so if you don't they aren't gonna kick you out anyway. Nothing adventurous food wise - chicken, steak, burger, pancakes, fries, eggs, whatever you imagine standard fare but done very well. It was clear they weren't enjoying it, and in a subsequent anniversary dinner they insisted we all go out to the place they chose - fried fish & laminated menus at a marina type thing.
  - vidarh 3y ago
    Flights and hotels are "perfect" for that kind of thing because the prices are so extremely variable as well. Much easier to "quietly upgrade" the whole experience without it getting weird that for a lot of other things.
birdyrooster 3y ago
The biggest thing is making sure people have choice when you are paying. Sometimes it can be that people are paying for control.

deleted 3y ago

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