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To some people sharing money is generous. To others it's a flex that they can't replicate and it makes them bitter. To others it's a sign you can be taken advan

To some people sharing money is generous. To others it's a flex that they can't replicate and it makes them bitter. To others it's a sign you can be taken advantage of. To others it's a sign that you are not mature financially and are just making poor financial decisions. Just like music, people have different tastes/expectations when it comes to money.

WXLCKNO 3y ago
I've been paying for a lot of things for my friends recently as there is a very large imbalance in wealth between us which is more recent. These are my best friends for the 20 years, same gang and they would never ask anything of me and always offered to contribute. I still felt sort of akward about how I was approaching it. Even if we tell each other everything and are transparent about money. I wanted to let them know that I don't care about the money at all, it's just the experiences that it will allow that matter to me and giving back to family and friends makes me feel good. However I have started just acting more normally and not insisting on taking care of everything,I think people feel better this way. So this article frames it nicely for the things I will be able to contribute still in a way that makes sense. I imagine that for people with newer or less strong friendships it must be even harder to manage.
- treeman79 3y ago
  Make it a “business expense” friends won’t feel as bad of company is treating them all to dinner.
  - larkost 3y ago
    I am not sure that this is a net improvement: either you are lying to your friends, or you are lying to the business/on your taxes.
    - ilyt 3y ago
      Well if they get sad from getting told "I have some free money and I'd rather buy stuff for my friends than myself", that's next best thing.
- noahjk 3y ago
  I went through the same thing with a much newer friend. It makes sense to you and me logically, but I agree that there was a feeling of disconnect that ultimately made me back off. I'd rather help financially facilitate more opportunities to have a good time, but it just always seems to come off as an insult or uncomfortable, no matter how it's handled. I feel like im grossly overpaid for what I do in comparison to the much more impactful work that they did, making roughly half what I do, so in my eyes it's only fair to view it as more of a group thing where we can contribute relatively equivalent amounts rather than strictly split amounts? You know?
  - alwaysbeconsing 3y ago
    > I feel like im grossly overpaid for what I do in comparison to the much more impactful work that they did, making roughly half what I do This this this. I'm a former blue collar who managed to break into tech. After a decade I still feel weird about the amount that I make. My partner and I now have our long-term finances completely squared away and still have money "left over" every month. I feel super lucky, and I basically just want to spend it on my friends and family. They are not destitute but mostly not in tech and just don't have the surplus that we have. Finding ways to share with them without it being overt and weird is an ongoing challenge. (Dinner parties are definitely a favorite, since we like cooking anyways.)
- khazhoux 3y ago
  > I've been paying for a lot of things for my friends recently as there is a very large imbalance in wealth between us which is more recent... I still felt sort of akward about how I was approaching it... I wanted to let them know that I don't care about the money at all, What kinds of things are you paying for, though? Consider there's a subtle, unintentional message if you insist on paying for their $20 burger and drink: "This $20 is a big deal to you, but not to me." Unless they are dirt poor, they can probably pay for themselves for most things. Myself, I have friends with 10x less money (self-employed), and 10x more money (huge stock options and the company popped) -- in both cases, we round-robin the check at dinner. Now mind you, we're not going to French Laundry...
  - pcthrowaway 3y ago
    My friends with 10X less money can't afford to eat out, so yeah, I offer to take them out if I want to go out with them.
  - xapata 3y ago
    > Unless they are dirt poor, they can probably pay for themselves for most things. Are you saying $20 for a burger and drink is trivial unless one is "dirt poor"? That doesn't match my estimates of the distribution of wealth in the US, and certainly not the world.
    - ThunderSizzle 3y ago
      It is, but a $20 lunch should be considered an occasion or treat and not a daily driver. Just because it's not a daily driver doesn't make it trivial. If most people eat lunch out once a week for $20 - that's about $1000/yr. That's trivial for most people if it's part of their social/entertainment expenses (eg even making $30-40k), but it's okay that it might not be trivial for all people.
      - xapata 3y ago
        I don't think spending an extra $1k per year is trivial for someone making $40k per year.
- vidarh 3y ago
  I think if it's long standing friendships there's certainly more wiggle room. Even to the point that you ought to just be able to tell them to let you know if they feel you're being obnoxious about it. But often it's also not even amounts, as long as it's reasonably discreet and you create a plausible excuse for why you're paying, and there's a sense of back and forth. With friends or girlfriends I know earn less, I've usually made a point of saying that when I choose or suggest where to invite someone, I prefer to pay and I'd appreciate if they let me, and if they insist on paying for something they can pay for things when they choose the venue. There's a tacit "because that lets each of us pick somewhere that fits our cost level" in it that remains unstated, and the give and take helps make it feel more even as long as it's not too blatant and in your face and you never make a point of how expensive anything you pick is. It also works best if you also pick cheap places sometimes.
  - telesilla 3y ago
    >each of us pick somewhere that fits our cost level This is the best, most wise answer and will last through long friendships.
- AH4oFVbPT4f8 3y ago
  "I imagine that for people with newer or less strong friendships it must be even harder to manage. " This is me. I'm at a point where through a series of good luck and risk adverse decisions I have a free flow of cash. I really enjoy getting the opportunity to spend it on others, ill buy coffee, ill buy lunch. I ask for nothing in return as it's my honor to do this for them and I want to set the example of being generous with nothing desired in return. If pressed I say, today I can so allow me to do so. In the future when you can, I'll return the honor and let you buy then. I also have a friend who again through a series of good decisions is at a good place financially and it's fun for us to try and buy things or meals for each other because we both know each others finances and the joy it brings being able to do this for one another.
- ls-lah_33 3y ago
  Bible time! When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. Do not crave his delicacies, for that food is deceptive. - The Book of Proverbs In my experience rich people are very 'outcomes focused'. They almost always expect something in return. I always ask myself why are they giving food to me specifically and not just some random person?
  - krapp 3y ago
    >In my experience rich people are very 'outcomes focused'. They almost always expect something in return. I always ask myself why are they giving food to me specifically and not just some random person? How often do rich people randomly feed you and what is it they want in return?
  - sidfthec 3y ago
    > In my experience rich people are very 'outcomes focused'. They almost always expect something in return. That's a pretty sad way to live. I mean, I guess when I'm back home and the "rich" person in the room (I went from rural america to FAANG salary), I just want people to enjoy themselves and not think about price when we're at a nice restaurant. That's the "outcome" I want. Back in the bay area, the rich people in the room never seem to want anything in return for their hospitality. At most they want to hire me, but there's no expectation there. Your experience (or maybe incorrect thought) is not what I've seen.
MisterBastahrd 3y ago
When you're a billionaire who has material interests in court cases and you just so happen to befriend a justice on said court who has nothing in common with you from either a wealth or personal background standpoint, then you're attempting to buy influence. There's a zero percent chance that Harlan Crow, a generationally wealthy white guy from Dallas, would ever have anything to do with Clarence Thomas, a middle class black guy from rural Georgia, except that Thomas sits on the US Supreme Court. None. Crow sought Thomas out to peddle his influence. Thomas accepted because (a) he believes he deserves this sort of treatment, and (b) there's nothing particularly illegal about it because of how fucked the US Constitution is with regards to high court appointments. Thomas isn't the only one, either. He's just the one currently in the news.
- bjt 3y ago
  How is that relevant to the topic here?
  - pc86 3y ago
    It's not, but political hacks of all ideologies will waste no time to turn anything into a shrieking fit about the topic du jour.
nuancebydefault 3y ago
Also, some people try to somehow make you feel guilty because you have no money problems. Others who have not much to spend are very thankful for a small practical gift.
ilyt 3y ago
I only accepts tokens of friendship in most expensive currency: time. I do hate getting presents and vastly prefer to just go for a beer or barbecue or something
fiftyfifty 3y ago
This can be a major cultural issue as well. My wife is asian and her whole family looses their mind if someone tries to pay for a meal at a family get together. It can be a major issue of pride in many asian cultures when people try to pay for things.
- late2part 3y ago
  issue of pride = loss of face

WXLCKNO 3y ago

I've been paying for a lot of things for my friends recently as there is a very large imbalance in wealth between us which is more recent. These are my best friends for the 20 years, same gang and they would never ask anything of me and always offered to contribute. I still felt sort of akward about how I was approaching it. Even if we tell each other everything and are transparent about money. I wanted to let them know that I don't care about the money at all, it's just the experiences that it will allow that matter to me and giving back to family and friends makes me feel good. However I have started just acting more normally and not insisting on taking care of everything,I think people feel better this way. So this article frames it nicely for the things I will be able to contribute still in a way that makes sense. I imagine that for people with newer or less strong friendships it must be even harder to manage.

treeman79 3y ago
Make it a “business expense” friends won’t feel as bad of company is treating them all to dinner.
- larkost 3y ago
  I am not sure that this is a net improvement: either you are lying to your friends, or you are lying to the business/on your taxes.
  - ilyt 3y ago
    Well if they get sad from getting told "I have some free money and I'd rather buy stuff for my friends than myself", that's next best thing.
noahjk 3y ago
I went through the same thing with a much newer friend. It makes sense to you and me logically, but I agree that there was a feeling of disconnect that ultimately made me back off. I'd rather help financially facilitate more opportunities to have a good time, but it just always seems to come off as an insult or uncomfortable, no matter how it's handled. I feel like im grossly overpaid for what I do in comparison to the much more impactful work that they did, making roughly half what I do, so in my eyes it's only fair to view it as more of a group thing where we can contribute relatively equivalent amounts rather than strictly split amounts? You know?
- alwaysbeconsing 3y ago
  > I feel like im grossly overpaid for what I do in comparison to the much more impactful work that they did, making roughly half what I do This this this. I'm a former blue collar who managed to break into tech. After a decade I still feel weird about the amount that I make. My partner and I now have our long-term finances completely squared away and still have money "left over" every month. I feel super lucky, and I basically just want to spend it on my friends and family. They are not destitute but mostly not in tech and just don't have the surplus that we have. Finding ways to share with them without it being overt and weird is an ongoing challenge. (Dinner parties are definitely a favorite, since we like cooking anyways.)
khazhoux 3y ago
> I've been paying for a lot of things for my friends recently as there is a very large imbalance in wealth between us which is more recent... I still felt sort of akward about how I was approaching it... I wanted to let them know that I don't care about the money at all, What kinds of things are you paying for, though? Consider there's a subtle, unintentional message if you insist on paying for their $20 burger and drink: "This $20 is a big deal to you, but not to me." Unless they are dirt poor, they can probably pay for themselves for most things. Myself, I have friends with 10x less money (self-employed), and 10x more money (huge stock options and the company popped) -- in both cases, we round-robin the check at dinner. Now mind you, we're not going to French Laundry...
- pcthrowaway 3y ago
  My friends with 10X less money can't afford to eat out, so yeah, I offer to take them out if I want to go out with them.
- xapata 3y ago
  > Unless they are dirt poor, they can probably pay for themselves for most things. Are you saying $20 for a burger and drink is trivial unless one is "dirt poor"? That doesn't match my estimates of the distribution of wealth in the US, and certainly not the world.
  - ThunderSizzle 3y ago
    It is, but a $20 lunch should be considered an occasion or treat and not a daily driver. Just because it's not a daily driver doesn't make it trivial. If most people eat lunch out once a week for $20 - that's about $1000/yr. That's trivial for most people if it's part of their social/entertainment expenses (eg even making $30-40k), but it's okay that it might not be trivial for all people.
    - xapata 3y ago
      I don't think spending an extra $1k per year is trivial for someone making $40k per year.
vidarh 3y ago
I think if it's long standing friendships there's certainly more wiggle room. Even to the point that you ought to just be able to tell them to let you know if they feel you're being obnoxious about it. But often it's also not even amounts, as long as it's reasonably discreet and you create a plausible excuse for why you're paying, and there's a sense of back and forth. With friends or girlfriends I know earn less, I've usually made a point of saying that when I choose or suggest where to invite someone, I prefer to pay and I'd appreciate if they let me, and if they insist on paying for something they can pay for things when they choose the venue. There's a tacit "because that lets each of us pick somewhere that fits our cost level" in it that remains unstated, and the give and take helps make it feel more even as long as it's not too blatant and in your face and you never make a point of how expensive anything you pick is. It also works best if you also pick cheap places sometimes.
- telesilla 3y ago
  >each of us pick somewhere that fits our cost level This is the best, most wise answer and will last through long friendships.
AH4oFVbPT4f8 3y ago
"I imagine that for people with newer or less strong friendships it must be even harder to manage. " This is me. I'm at a point where through a series of good luck and risk adverse decisions I have a free flow of cash. I really enjoy getting the opportunity to spend it on others, ill buy coffee, ill buy lunch. I ask for nothing in return as it's my honor to do this for them and I want to set the example of being generous with nothing desired in return. If pressed I say, today I can so allow me to do so. In the future when you can, I'll return the honor and let you buy then. I also have a friend who again through a series of good decisions is at a good place financially and it's fun for us to try and buy things or meals for each other because we both know each others finances and the joy it brings being able to do this for one another.
ls-lah_33 3y ago
Bible time! When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. Do not crave his delicacies, for that food is deceptive. - The Book of Proverbs In my experience rich people are very 'outcomes focused'. They almost always expect something in return. I always ask myself why are they giving food to me specifically and not just some random person?
- krapp 3y ago
  >In my experience rich people are very 'outcomes focused'. They almost always expect something in return. I always ask myself why are they giving food to me specifically and not just some random person? How often do rich people randomly feed you and what is it they want in return?
- sidfthec 3y ago
  > In my experience rich people are very 'outcomes focused'. They almost always expect something in return. That's a pretty sad way to live. I mean, I guess when I'm back home and the "rich" person in the room (I went from rural america to FAANG salary), I just want people to enjoy themselves and not think about price when we're at a nice restaurant. That's the "outcome" I want. Back in the bay area, the rich people in the room never seem to want anything in return for their hospitality. At most they want to hire me, but there's no expectation there. Your experience (or maybe incorrect thought) is not what I've seen.

MisterBastahrd 3y ago

When you're a billionaire who has material interests in court cases and you just so happen to befriend a justice on said court who has nothing in common with you from either a wealth or personal background standpoint, then you're attempting to buy influence. There's a zero percent chance that Harlan Crow, a generationally wealthy white guy from Dallas, would ever have anything to do with Clarence Thomas, a middle class black guy from rural Georgia, except that Thomas sits on the US Supreme Court. None. Crow sought Thomas out to peddle his influence. Thomas accepted because (a) he believes he deserves this sort of treatment, and (b) there's nothing particularly illegal about it because of how fucked the US Constitution is with regards to high court appointments. Thomas isn't the only one, either. He's just the one currently in the news.

bjt 3y ago
How is that relevant to the topic here?
- pc86 3y ago
  It's not, but political hacks of all ideologies will waste no time to turn anything into a shrieking fit about the topic du jour.

nuancebydefault 3y ago

Also, some people try to somehow make you feel guilty because you have no money problems. Others who have not much to spend are very thankful for a small practical gift.

ilyt 3y ago

I only accepts tokens of friendship in most expensive currency: time. I do hate getting presents and vastly prefer to just go for a beer or barbecue or something

fiftyfifty 3y ago

This can be a major cultural issue as well. My wife is asian and her whole family looses their mind if someone tries to pay for a meal at a family get together. It can be a major issue of pride in many asian cultures when people try to pay for things.

late2part 3y ago
issue of pride = loss of face