Hello there, reader. I'm Apollo Diomedes, captain of the Blood Ravens 5th Company. You may know me from my exploits in the Aurelia sub-sector, where I fought ag

Hello there, reader. I'm Apollo Diomedes, captain of the Blood Ravens 5th Company. You may know me from my exploits in the Aurelia sub-sector, where I fought against the Tyranids, the Eldar, and the Chaos forces. But today, I'm here to roast you. Don't worry, it's all in good fun. I'm not going to use my power sword or my bolter on you. Just my words. And trust me, they're sharper than any blade. So, let's start with the obvious. You don't have a girlfriend. Why is that? Is it because you spend too much time playing Warhammer? Or is it because you're too afraid to talk to women? Or maybe it's because you have the charisma of a servitor and the looks of a grox. Whatever the reason, you're missing out on one of the Emperor's greatest gifts: love. Love is what drives us to fight for humanity, to protect our brothers and sisters, to sacrifice ourselves for a greater cause. Without love, we are nothing but mindless drones, following orders without question. But maybe you don't need love. Maybe you're happy with your lonely existence, your virtual friends, your plastic models. Maybe you think you're better than everyone else, that you're a true fan of Warhammer, that you know everything there is to know about the lore. Well, let me tell you something, reader. You don't know squat. You don't know the thrill of charging into battle with your squad, the fear of facing an enemy that wants to devour your soul, the joy of hearing your name praised by your commander. You don't know the honor of serving the Emperor, the glory of dying for him, the hope of being reborn as a Space Marine. You see, reader, you and I are very different. I'm a hero, a legend, a leader. You're a nobody, a loser, a follower. I'm a warrior, a soldier, a brother. You're a nerd, a gamer, a fanboy. I'm Apollo Diomedes, captain of the Blood Ravens 5th Company. And you're just...you. But hey, don't take it personally. It's just a joke. A friendly roast. I'm sure you have some redeeming qualities. Maybe you're smart, or funny, or generous. Maybe you have a good heart, or a good soul, or a good sense of humor. Maybe you're not as bad as I make you out to be. Or maybe not. Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble on. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. And remember: in the grim darkness of the far future...there is only war.