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If the author is reading this... Your post is vulnerable and humble but at the same time your thinking is self centered and overly complicated. We are all uni

If the author is reading this... Your post is vulnerable and humble but at the same time your thinking is self centered and overly complicated. We are all unique snowflakes of course but maybe a good starting point is understanding why humans get into relationships. The most obvious reason is children. For many of us, the idea of leaving this planet without raising up the next generation is deeply unsatisfying. Is that a factor for you at all? Maybe on a deep level? The second reason is a desire for partnership - to support and be supported. To be richly enmeshed in another person's life - and the beautiful and painful things this entails. Those are the deeply meaningful reasons. Less deep are the desire to explore, to connect with a lot of people, to get to know them inside out so to speak even if you end up moving on. I suspect most men have these desires whether they are deeply conscious of them or just "pinging" you with a feeling of "maybe I should be doing more than I am as a single guy" In other words, discover your "why." If you think you might want kids for example, own that you feel this way. If you think a life without a person to be dedicated to is kinda meaningless, own that you feel this way. If you just feel like loser for not having figured this out - and don't want to feel that way - own that. Doesn't matter if your reason is good or bad - just connect to it. If you discover a reason and feel connected to your why, it all becomes a question of "how". I think it would be good to establish that. Because the "how" then changes a lot, finding the mother of your children is different than figuring out how to get laid.

LukasRos 4y ago
I'm the author, and I'd like to thank you for this comment. Yes, I have a tendency for overthinking, so that's maybe why it seems complicated. I have thought about the different reasons for why people get into relationships as well and I think you categorized them well. I'm still unsure about my own "why" and that's what I'm trying to explore now starting with this post. Yes, I'd like to have children, but it's not a "burning desire" and it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be. Partnership sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure if a deep connection with a single person is really better than having a broader network of friends.
- xyzelement 4y ago
  Thank you again for your transparency. I don't have a ton of time but want to share a few reactions in case they are helpful. First, I sense what a psychiatrist would call ambivalence from you. Your behavior makes it clear - on one hand you "want" - eg you say you want to have kids, care enough to make this post but something holding you back from wanting wholeheartedly (or you'd be more certain and have taken more action). You even wrote in your post: "The longer answer might also include some thoughts and attitudes towards dating and relationships in my mind that hold me back" - IMHO that's the first set of things to explore. You can't achieve something you can't allow your self to want. Second, if you have an opportunity, I strongly advise you to establish a relationship with a good therapist and work though this stuff over a long time. I suspect from what and how you are saying, it would take years to explore and unpack and reshape your emotions and thinking on this. I don't know how old you are but chances are if you could have done this on your own, you would have already. Third, I encourage you to stay open minded and realize that you don't know what you want, so the rails you are creating for yourself may not be real. For example: "it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be" - I think that's an indication of an area to explore frankly. Most people I know who ended up having families knew they wanted a family first and found a partner to have one with. Also, from your post: "I’m not interested in a relationship for its own sake" - how do you know? Maybe you'll realize that you love being in a relationship and obviously the person has to be right but the relationship could be greater than the two of you. Personal story. I always knew I wanted to be married and have kids and I was successful at dating but my relationships would always end. From the outside it would appear that I have my shit together and most women I dated were "marriage material" but I inevitably called it quits and started over. I spend a few years in fairly intense therapy (few times per week) and it has helped me deal with my own issues that kept me from going all the way. The other thing, I used to "obsess" about what my ideal person is like and as consequence dated a lot of power women (CEOs, professors, etc.) whom I found super interesting. But the woman I ended up marrying isn't a CEO, what she had to offer me was family - both becoming a member of her great family and the family we have together. I didn't know to look for that but it's what I needed. And although we have fewer natural interests in common, the current project we have of raising two small kids binds us much more than having a lot of hobbies in common etc. The point I am making is that I wouldn't have been able to describe what I actually need until I met her, even though I thought I knew. Good luck. Mainly, find a therapist and prepare for a lot of work. It will be worth it.

LukasRos 4y ago

I'm the author, and I'd like to thank you for this comment. Yes, I have a tendency for overthinking, so that's maybe why it seems complicated. I have thought about the different reasons for why people get into relationships as well and I think you categorized them well. I'm still unsure about my own "why" and that's what I'm trying to explore now starting with this post. Yes, I'd like to have children, but it's not a "burning desire" and it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be. Partnership sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure if a deep connection with a single person is really better than having a broader network of friends.

xyzelement 4y ago
Thank you again for your transparency. I don't have a ton of time but want to share a few reactions in case they are helpful. First, I sense what a psychiatrist would call ambivalence from you. Your behavior makes it clear - on one hand you "want" - eg you say you want to have kids, care enough to make this post but something holding you back from wanting wholeheartedly (or you'd be more certain and have taken more action). You even wrote in your post: "The longer answer might also include some thoughts and attitudes towards dating and relationships in my mind that hold me back" - IMHO that's the first set of things to explore. You can't achieve something you can't allow your self to want. Second, if you have an opportunity, I strongly advise you to establish a relationship with a good therapist and work though this stuff over a long time. I suspect from what and how you are saying, it would take years to explore and unpack and reshape your emotions and thinking on this. I don't know how old you are but chances are if you could have done this on your own, you would have already. Third, I encourage you to stay open minded and realize that you don't know what you want, so the rails you are creating for yourself may not be real. For example: "it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be" - I think that's an indication of an area to explore frankly. Most people I know who ended up having families knew they wanted a family first and found a partner to have one with. Also, from your post: "I’m not interested in a relationship for its own sake" - how do you know? Maybe you'll realize that you love being in a relationship and obviously the person has to be right but the relationship could be greater than the two of you. Personal story. I always knew I wanted to be married and have kids and I was successful at dating but my relationships would always end. From the outside it would appear that I have my shit together and most women I dated were "marriage material" but I inevitably called it quits and started over. I spend a few years in fairly intense therapy (few times per week) and it has helped me deal with my own issues that kept me from going all the way. The other thing, I used to "obsess" about what my ideal person is like and as consequence dated a lot of power women (CEOs, professors, etc.) whom I found super interesting. But the woman I ended up marrying isn't a CEO, what she had to offer me was family - both becoming a member of her great family and the family we have together. I didn't know to look for that but it's what I needed. And although we have fewer natural interests in common, the current project we have of raising two small kids binds us much more than having a lot of hobbies in common etc. The point I am making is that I wouldn't have been able to describe what I actually need until I met her, even though I thought I knew. Good luck. Mainly, find a therapist and prepare for a lot of work. It will be worth it.