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Even if you take the "starting a relationship" path (e.g. online dating to meet people) you really shouldn't be afraid of breaking someone else's heart. Assumi
by majormajor 4y ago
Even if you take the "starting a relationship" path (e.g. online dating to meet people) you really shouldn't be afraid of breaking someone else's heart.
Assuming you don't break someone's heart by betraying them or some other awful action, taking responsibility for a broken heart is putting way too much responsibility on yourself, and not respecting other people's agency.
It's also going to probably sabotage your attempts to learn-by-experimentation in relationships. Most likely the person on the other side of the relationship isn't going to know where it's going from day 1, it could be love, it could be something less but still fun, it could just be one or two dates. None of those are necessarily bad outcomes, but if you're weighing yourself down with all that pressure, you're going to make it harder for yourself to be open and honest and have fun.
You have some catching up to do - others may have learned some basic relationship skills in school, say, where the stakes were obviously lower and few people were getting married or anything anyway - but IME step one on getting that practice in is to take away that pressure and take it easy. One good thing to help with that, I think, is not to be too picky - if you haven't dated much, you probably don't know what your "perfect match" is like, so go out there and find out, versus waiting for one person who you build up so much in your mind you sabotage yourself with the anxiety of screwing it up.
- kube-system 4y agoI agree, I just wanted to give an "easy option" for someone who sounds like their fear of the process is keeping them from trying at all. I didn’t read it as someone who is not respectful of others agency as much as it might just be someone who is comfortable being alone and avoidant of inconvenient social situations.
- aidenn0 4y agoI regret that I have only one upvote for this comment. Unless you are either highly abusive or dating someone with significant mental/emotional impairment then assigning the fault to yourself in advance of any actual problems is beyond unhealthy
- s1artibartfast 4y agoThis caught my eye as well. I would go even further and say that being so protective of others is infantilizing and disrespectful. Assuming they are consenting and informed adults, they can take their own risks. Assessing counterparty risk and making the choice for them overrides their desires and values, and imposes yours. If there is one thing that I have learned in relationships, it is that you shouldn't attempt to control others in this way.
- 9530jh9054ven 4y agoI'm not sure I can agree with that. I'm incapable of relationships, but even if it were, my background makes puts me at a elevated probability of becoming abusive towards towards an intimate partner. Would you not say that most if not all people would not want an abusive partner? If so, then even if it were possible, would not choosing to remain unattached out of concern for others be the more... Correct? Ethical? Moral? In any case, the better choice then to unnecessarily subject them to that elevated risk?
- s1artibartfast 4y agoI would say that it would be appropriate to inform them of this, but that is their choice and risk to take. If you don't like abusing people and avoid relationships for that reason, that is your choice to make.