5 ms·

I try play a game when i meet a new person: see how long i can go without discussing work with them. The best new connections tend to take the longest to reach

by verelo 4y ago

I try play a game when i meet a new person: see how long i can go without discussing work with them. The best new connections tend to take the longest to reach work, it’s often a signal of a lazy conversation starter and like you said just an attempt to size up our social status.

throwaway290 4y ago
Same here but with "where are you from".
plagiarist 4y ago
I have some anxiety so I recognize it as people looking for a safe topic in hopes of striking some common ground. It is still lazy conversation skills and boring for everyone involved. I wish I wasn't like that, but inferring from past events I won't change any time soon.
jraph 4y ago
> it’s often a signal of a lazy conversation starter But this is fine, no? If it helps start a more enjoyable discussion afterwards. When you don't know the ones you are speaking with at all. Though I indeed avoid focusing on work when starting a conversation. I usually try to phrase the question as "What do you do in your life?", which is more general and allows answering hobbies. I'm more interested in what people like than what they are possibly forced to do to fund it, or their opinions. Usually people will answer their what they do for a living but they will get another, more explicit question. I'm interested in knowing whether they will indeed answer by what they do for a living though. And if they do something meaningful or enjoying for their living, it's actually interesting.
- throwaway290 4y ago
  I don't see a point of any questions like that, and somehow I always find things to talk about in a social setting. Stuff they do, place they were born etc can always enter a conversation if relevant, or not if they don't want to talk about that. Asking these is always intrusive, you might not think so if you are fully comfortable talking about what you do or where you're from etc, but that's not all people.
  - jraph 4y ago
    > I don't see a point of any questions like that it's a discussion starter. The point is to start the discussion. It often works. > Asking these is always intrusive, you might not think so if you are fully comfortable talking about what you do or where you're from etc, but that's not all people. Ok, that's another argument than "it's lazy". I can see it, especially when people are unemployed, they often feel ashamed. On the other hand, isn't it a risk with any personal question? Aren't people used to handle these questions anyway? (I otherwise agree that asking about the job is not the best thing to do anyway)
    - throwaway290 4y ago
      > it's a discussion starter Anything can be a discussion starter, even "weather is nice", and a lot of it is less privileged/entitled/profiling/inquisitive sounding. Actually, "what do you do" is as often a non-starter for me if the person tells me about something I am not interested in and it sucks to have to feign interest. It's much better to ask something pertaining to a shared interest. If you actually pay attention you may notice things around the person that reflect their interests, ask about that. > On the other hand, isn't it a risk with any personal question? Nah, only those that concern social status, something you cannot change about yourself (origin) or something that could put you in danger (where you live). In a casual setting I don't see any point of those questions except to assert oneself. If you don't expect it you would be uncomfortable but would have to suck it up and reply or be confrontational and reveal insecurity. Sure sometimes it's fun to think of creative ways of answering this questions without answering them but who are you to put me on the spot to do it in real time while watching me? We are all just trying to have a good time.
      - verelo 4y ago
        I think the reason i say it’s lazy is because I often end up feeling like they didn’t care, they just asked to fill the void. I’d love to have a real conversation about anything really. Ask me about my favourite place to eat, what my opinion is on a new product on the market, tell me about a book you’re reading and why it’s interesting…all works for me. The what do you do thing, it’s loaded with other elements; who makes more, who do you know, should i respect you. I could brag pretty hard if that’s the game we are playing, but honestly for new authentic connections, I’d like to stay away from that stuff at least for a while. It’s unavoidable, it’ll come up, but i love trying hard to delay it.
inanutshellus 4y ago
"So...... what conversation topics do you start with?"
JohnFen 4y ago
I play a variant of this: how long until a stranger asks me "what do you do?" Over the last decade or so, I've found that I'm asked this question far lass than I used to be. I don't know if the times have changed, or if it's that I'm older and so generally am meeting older people now. Either way, I welcome this change.
kirso 4y ago
I disagree. I can't hold conversations about drinking in a pub discussing girls for very long. They seem insignificant. However I did make lifelong friends by accidentally talking about Europe's energy policy, satellites and also the MySpace effect on youth. Sizing social status is painful - I totally agree but when people are genuinely interested in going into depth of topics which highly resonate it produces an amazing effect.

by verelo 4y ago

throwaway290 4y ago

Same here but with "where are you from".

plagiarist 4y ago

I have some anxiety so I recognize it as people looking for a safe topic in hopes of striking some common ground. It is still lazy conversation skills and boring for everyone involved. I wish I wasn't like that, but inferring from past events I won't change any time soon.

jraph 4y ago

> it’s often a signal of a lazy conversation starter But this is fine, no? If it helps start a more enjoyable discussion afterwards. When you don't know the ones you are speaking with at all. Though I indeed avoid focusing on work when starting a conversation. I usually try to phrase the question as "What do you do in your life?", which is more general and allows answering hobbies. I'm more interested in what people like than what they are possibly forced to do to fund it, or their opinions. Usually people will answer their what they do for a living but they will get another, more explicit question. I'm interested in knowing whether they will indeed answer by what they do for a living though. And if they do something meaningful or enjoying for their living, it's actually interesting.

throwaway290 4y ago
I don't see a point of any questions like that, and somehow I always find things to talk about in a social setting. Stuff they do, place they were born etc can always enter a conversation if relevant, or not if they don't want to talk about that. Asking these is always intrusive, you might not think so if you are fully comfortable talking about what you do or where you're from etc, but that's not all people.
- jraph 4y ago
  > I don't see a point of any questions like that it's a discussion starter. The point is to start the discussion. It often works. > Asking these is always intrusive, you might not think so if you are fully comfortable talking about what you do or where you're from etc, but that's not all people. Ok, that's another argument than "it's lazy". I can see it, especially when people are unemployed, they often feel ashamed. On the other hand, isn't it a risk with any personal question? Aren't people used to handle these questions anyway? (I otherwise agree that asking about the job is not the best thing to do anyway)
  - throwaway290 4y ago
    > it's a discussion starter Anything can be a discussion starter, even "weather is nice", and a lot of it is less privileged/entitled/profiling/inquisitive sounding. Actually, "what do you do" is as often a non-starter for me if the person tells me about something I am not interested in and it sucks to have to feign interest. It's much better to ask something pertaining to a shared interest. If you actually pay attention you may notice things around the person that reflect their interests, ask about that. > On the other hand, isn't it a risk with any personal question? Nah, only those that concern social status, something you cannot change about yourself (origin) or something that could put you in danger (where you live). In a casual setting I don't see any point of those questions except to assert oneself. If you don't expect it you would be uncomfortable but would have to suck it up and reply or be confrontational and reveal insecurity. Sure sometimes it's fun to think of creative ways of answering this questions without answering them but who are you to put me on the spot to do it in real time while watching me? We are all just trying to have a good time.
    - verelo 4y ago
      I think the reason i say it’s lazy is because I often end up feeling like they didn’t care, they just asked to fill the void. I’d love to have a real conversation about anything really. Ask me about my favourite place to eat, what my opinion is on a new product on the market, tell me about a book you’re reading and why it’s interesting…all works for me. The what do you do thing, it’s loaded with other elements; who makes more, who do you know, should i respect you. I could brag pretty hard if that’s the game we are playing, but honestly for new authentic connections, I’d like to stay away from that stuff at least for a while. It’s unavoidable, it’ll come up, but i love trying hard to delay it.

inanutshellus 4y ago

"So...... what conversation topics do you start with?"

JohnFen 4y ago

I play a variant of this: how long until a stranger asks me "what do you do?" Over the last decade or so, I've found that I'm asked this question far lass than I used to be. I don't know if the times have changed, or if it's that I'm older and so generally am meeting older people now. Either way, I welcome this change.

kirso 4y ago

I disagree. I can't hold conversations about drinking in a pub discussing girls for very long. They seem insignificant. However I did make lifelong friends by accidentally talking about Europe's energy policy, satellites and also the MySpace effect on youth. Sizing social status is painful - I totally agree but when people are genuinely interested in going into depth of topics which highly resonate it produces an amazing effect.