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I was what people today might call a "free range" child in the 80s. I interacted with my family mostly at meals and was left to my own devices from a very young

I was what people today might call a "free range" child in the 80s. I interacted with my family mostly at meals and was left to my own devices from a very young age. I was not placated when I threw a tantrum or cried. I was responsible to get to school and back from the time I was 6 (nothing serious: a mile and a half). I made and packed my own school lunches from age 8 on. The line between my world and the adult's world was very clearly defined and it was clear that I had to make my own fun, but the parameters around what I was allowed to do were well defined as well. While I got into some mischief here and there, it had been drilled into me at a young age how a good person behaved and I emulated it. When I tell parents of how I grew up, the reaction almost without exception is complete horror. I have had several women try to console me. One woman told me that my emotional scars must run deep and gave me the number for a psychologist! Needless to say, I don't talk about it much these days. Now I don't know if how I grew up would be traumatic to other children. I do think that parents act like their children's entertainers/servants and try hard to ensure they like them or they're cool or, and this I'll never understand, try to be friends with them. I will say that it worked for me and I don't hate my family for doing it. Quite the opposite in fact.

bmj 15y ago
This is what we are trying to do with our kids (boys aged 8 and 6). They make their own lunches, generally entertain themselves, though we still have "family time," and do their share of chores aroubd the house. I think there is a tendency, however, among some parents to have their kids do everything for them, too. I've seen parents yell at their kids to come inside and a get snack for them. I think kids should be taught to contribute to the home economy, but treating them like little indentured servants is perhaps going a bit far. As far aa being "friends" with your kids, I think there's a narrow line to walk. I want my kids to trust me (and therefore talk to me), and I want to enjoy their company, too. There does need to be some sort of boundry there, though, lest you lose your authority.
- kellishaver 15y ago
  This is very similar to the way we're raising our daughter (9). She gets herself up and dressed in the morning and off to the buss top (too far to walk to school). We do things together, but it's not our job to entertain her. She finds her own entertainment, and often that means playing with other kids in the neighborhood - fine, so long as she's home by dinner. She knows if she's late she misses dinner and if that she misbehaves at someone's house, then that privileged of being able to come and go with the other kids in the neighborhood is gone. She has daily and weekly chores that she's expected to do. She doesn't get an allowance for that - it's just a normal part of contributing to the family duties, and if she wants something, she does extra chores to earn the money. She's a great kid, never have had a behavior problem out of her. I think part of the reason for that is in addition to just giving her a whole bunch of love, we also respect her and hold her to a standard that we know she's capable of. That's very much how I was raised, and I have a great relationship with my dad and a lot of respect for him. I hope this leads to a similar relationship with her, and so far it seems to be. It's working out. She does stupid kid things from time to time, like all kids do, but she's learning to think for herself and make good decisions, too. Proud of my kid. Last summer, though, I got a call from a neighbor down the street telling me that my daughter wasn't allowed to come down there and play with her kid anymore, unless I walked her down there, because it was too dangerous for my then 8 year old child to be walking down there by herself... Mind you, you can see their house from our front yard. I feel really badly for the little girl who lives in that house. She's 8 now, not allowed out of the yard, and has no other friends in the neighborhood.
zephjc 15y ago
That sounds pretty identical to my upbringing, and I feel I'm the better and more level-headed for it. However, I've never met anyone who thought it must have been emotionally scarring - I can't comprehend people who would think that teaching kids to be self-reliant and responsible would be scarring. Sadly, those seem to be the scarred people.
- Aloisius 15y ago
  Well I have some stories of things that happened to me that I think freak people out a little bit. For instance, when I was 8 and cooking for myself in a small house where I lived alone (the main house was all of 150 ft away), I sliced my hand up pretty badly and stitched it back up without telling anyone. Well stitched isn't quite the right word. Held together is more accurate. I was probably a bit more accident prone as a child than others and I think it confirms many people's worst fears. Personally, I think a few scars here and there add character and I'll still stitch myself up when I get hurt.
  - forcefsck 15y ago
    Something similar happened to me too. It was a self confidence boost and learned how to be more careful and how to deal with problems without panic. Accidents will happen anyway sooner or later, it's better to have small accidents early and learn from them than make big irreversible mistakes later.
  - McP 15y ago
    At the age of 8 you lived alone in a separate house? All you described before seemed healthy, but now I understand why you get a reaction of horror when you describe your childhood because that is very odd
StavrosK 15y ago
Why would you hate your family? It sounds like they treated you as a responsible person. Clearly your parents didn't let you go naked or unfed, they just made sure you were responsible for your fun and well-being to the point you could be, which is what people do.
watmough 15y ago
Yeah, same here. And the constant supervision of todays kids, the stifling not being able to get away from adults, the always being transported to something. It scares the crap out of me to be honest.

bmj 15y ago

This is what we are trying to do with our kids (boys aged 8 and 6). They make their own lunches, generally entertain themselves, though we still have "family time," and do their share of chores aroubd the house. I think there is a tendency, however, among some parents to have their kids do everything for them, too. I've seen parents yell at their kids to come inside and a get snack for them. I think kids should be taught to contribute to the home economy, but treating them like little indentured servants is perhaps going a bit far. As far aa being "friends" with your kids, I think there's a narrow line to walk. I want my kids to trust me (and therefore talk to me), and I want to enjoy their company, too. There does need to be some sort of boundry there, though, lest you lose your authority.

kellishaver 15y ago
This is very similar to the way we're raising our daughter (9). She gets herself up and dressed in the morning and off to the buss top (too far to walk to school). We do things together, but it's not our job to entertain her. She finds her own entertainment, and often that means playing with other kids in the neighborhood - fine, so long as she's home by dinner. She knows if she's late she misses dinner and if that she misbehaves at someone's house, then that privileged of being able to come and go with the other kids in the neighborhood is gone. She has daily and weekly chores that she's expected to do. She doesn't get an allowance for that - it's just a normal part of contributing to the family duties, and if she wants something, she does extra chores to earn the money. She's a great kid, never have had a behavior problem out of her. I think part of the reason for that is in addition to just giving her a whole bunch of love, we also respect her and hold her to a standard that we know she's capable of. That's very much how I was raised, and I have a great relationship with my dad and a lot of respect for him. I hope this leads to a similar relationship with her, and so far it seems to be. It's working out. She does stupid kid things from time to time, like all kids do, but she's learning to think for herself and make good decisions, too. Proud of my kid. Last summer, though, I got a call from a neighbor down the street telling me that my daughter wasn't allowed to come down there and play with her kid anymore, unless I walked her down there, because it was too dangerous for my then 8 year old child to be walking down there by herself... Mind you, you can see their house from our front yard. I feel really badly for the little girl who lives in that house. She's 8 now, not allowed out of the yard, and has no other friends in the neighborhood.

zephjc 15y ago

That sounds pretty identical to my upbringing, and I feel I'm the better and more level-headed for it. However, I've never met anyone who thought it must have been emotionally scarring - I can't comprehend people who would think that teaching kids to be self-reliant and responsible would be scarring. Sadly, those seem to be the scarred people.

Aloisius 15y ago
Well I have some stories of things that happened to me that I think freak people out a little bit. For instance, when I was 8 and cooking for myself in a small house where I lived alone (the main house was all of 150 ft away), I sliced my hand up pretty badly and stitched it back up without telling anyone. Well stitched isn't quite the right word. Held together is more accurate. I was probably a bit more accident prone as a child than others and I think it confirms many people's worst fears. Personally, I think a few scars here and there add character and I'll still stitch myself up when I get hurt.
- forcefsck 15y ago
  Something similar happened to me too. It was a self confidence boost and learned how to be more careful and how to deal with problems without panic. Accidents will happen anyway sooner or later, it's better to have small accidents early and learn from them than make big irreversible mistakes later.
- McP 15y ago
  At the age of 8 you lived alone in a separate house? All you described before seemed healthy, but now I understand why you get a reaction of horror when you describe your childhood because that is very odd

StavrosK 15y ago

Why would you hate your family? It sounds like they treated you as a responsible person. Clearly your parents didn't let you go naked or unfed, they just made sure you were responsible for your fun and well-being to the point you could be, which is what people do.

watmough 15y ago

Yeah, same here. And the constant supervision of todays kids, the stifling not being able to get away from adults, the always being transported to something. It scares the crap out of me to be honest.