2 ms·

I lay awake at night worrying how I'll handle this when the time comes. I have a bad relationship with my parents, and live across the country from them. But I

I lay awake at night worrying how I'll handle this when the time comes. I have a bad relationship with my parents, and live across the country from them. But I also don't want to just abandon them when they need help in the future. Or just leave my siblings take care of them alone. But there's so much internal anger at them still (I'm in therapy already, no need to suggest that). My help might need to be monetary only, although elder care can be so expensive I don't know how much I'll be able to help.

shadowgovt 4y ago
I can't tell you what to do, nor would I. But were it me, having watched friends go through similar struggles with difficult parents (and finding myself in the middle of my own): You may be better able to help the situation by caring for the caretakers than caring for the parents. If your relationship with your siblings is strong and the relationship with your parents is damaged, perhaps there are opportunities to be there for your siblings. Sometimes having someone to talk to or even nip into town every so often to get a coffee with or babysit the children (even if it's not a visit that involves seeing your parents) can help. I have a sibling who's life pulled her to the other side of the country before the parents got old, and she comes in once a year to visit, and when she does, God bless her, she's utterly useless for helping with the care but we still look forward to her coming into town because I get to spend time with my nieces and it's still nice to be able to talk to her and acknowledge that, yes, this is crazy, the world is crazy, and our feelings of being burdened and overburdened are valid. That mental reset really helps and really helps frame why we bother to care that "family," as a concept, is still something we invest in. I'm not, personally, a believer in the idea that we owe much to people who are right s** to us our whole lives, even if they gave birth to us. But I respect and honor that other people feel differently and their moral code is every bit as valid as mine.
- Trasmatta 4y ago
  Thank you! This was actually a really helpful comment for me. I haven't been home to visit in over a year because it just hurts too bad still, but I really like the way you framed it.

shadowgovt 4y ago

I can't tell you what to do, nor would I. But were it me, having watched friends go through similar struggles with difficult parents (and finding myself in the middle of my own): You may be better able to help the situation by caring for the caretakers than caring for the parents. If your relationship with your siblings is strong and the relationship with your parents is damaged, perhaps there are opportunities to be there for your siblings. Sometimes having someone to talk to or even nip into town every so often to get a coffee with or babysit the children (even if it's not a visit that involves seeing your parents) can help. I have a sibling who's life pulled her to the other side of the country before the parents got old, and she comes in once a year to visit, and when she does, God bless her, she's utterly useless for helping with the care but we still look forward to her coming into town because I get to spend time with my nieces and it's still nice to be able to talk to her and acknowledge that, yes, this is crazy, the world is crazy, and our feelings of being burdened and overburdened are valid. That mental reset really helps and really helps frame why we bother to care that "family," as a concept, is still something we invest in. I'm not, personally, a believer in the idea that we owe much to people who are right s** to us our whole lives, even if they gave birth to us. But I respect and honor that other people feel differently and their moral code is every bit as valid as mine.

Trasmatta 4y ago
Thank you! This was actually a really helpful comment for me. I haven't been home to visit in over a year because it just hurts too bad still, but I really like the way you framed it.