6 ms·

This article seems like something I should read, but I'm not sure if I want to. As someone with parents and inlaws who are in their early to mid 70s and quite w

This article seems like something I should read, but I'm not sure if I want to. As someone with parents and inlaws who are in their early to mid 70s and quite worried about losing them, I'm not sure if I'm ready to read this. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with the pre-loss anxiety?

gamerDude 4y ago
I don't necessarily have anything for pre-loss anxiety, but I did suddenly lose my dad. As in talked to him the day before and he was feeling a little sick and the next day I learned that he had died alone in his home. Without going into some of the sadder details, I can tell you what helped the most. I felt complete in our relationship in the moment. I still have times when I wish I could share something with him. But, I felt like I had really vocalized the love I had for him. I love you doesn't really count in my mind, but being specific about how they make you feel loved and how you love them. And secondly, I had accepted/forgiven him for anything that wasn't in that love category. That feeling of being complete was really nice to have after his sudden passing. It didn't take away the sadness and missing him, but I didn't feel the regret that I've heard others do. So, my suggestion would be to express the specific love you feel for your parents and in laws to them and forgive or accept them in the other things. I hope this helps somehow or at least makes some nice moments in your family.
- arwhatever 4y ago
  I had basically this same thing happen a few years back. Dad mentioned he felt ill in an online chat and then that was it. He lived in a podunk and traveled little throughout his life - I lived in a larger metro area with some world-class outdoors, and just by luck it turned out he loved coming out to visit. So we had him out to visit over and over and over, and that traveling around with him is one of the things I’m most thankful to have done.
- jmathai 4y ago
  I wrote a letter to each of my parents outlining why I loved them and how appreciative I am for what they did for me. It was as much for myself than for them.
mattpallissard 4y ago
One of my very good friends is old enough to be my grandfather. I'm pretty comfortable with the idea of death, so I don't get anxious per-se. But it's still a very melancholy thing to think about. I just do as much as I can with him and try not to get distracted by it.
qup 4y ago
Do the work to spend the time with them before you no longer have the option. Enjoy them.
walterbell 4y ago
Short (25m) wordless art film, https://nbhap.com/sounds/the-national-mike-mills-i-am-easy-to-find https://nbhap.com/sounds/the-national-mike-mills-i-am-easy-t... > We are born, we live and then we all die. And in-between a lot of spectacular things can happen. Or maybe not. Sounds harsh when you put it like this, right? But there’s an undeniable and for many people uncomfortable truth in this and I Am Easy To Find is a film that transports that feeling pretty well.
- jkettle 4y ago
  That was a really beautiful film.
- abledon 4y ago
  well that was sad lol, need a sadhguru palette cleanser https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5x_XbIkVmg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5x_XbIkVmg
- A4ET8a8uTh0 4y ago
  “There was a man and he had eight sons. Apart from that, he was nothing more than a comma on the page of History. It's sad, but that's all you can say about some people.”[1] [1]https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/62360-sourcery https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/62360-sourcery
  - q7xvh97o2pDhNrh 4y ago
    From Darwin's perspective, though, that's basically the exact opposite of "sad."
    - fwip 4y ago
      Nope. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9606284-a-man-s-friendships-are-one-of-the-best-measures-of https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9606284-a-man-s-friendships...
  - Scarblac 4y ago
    You can tell by that quote that it's an early book in the series. The later books would not say that of anybody.
robinwarren 4y ago
I did a lot of listening to the griefcast (podcast with comedians talking about people they lost) recently which I think helped me. No idea if that's good advice and the people on it skew heavily uk centric so you might not know any of them. Good luck!
carapace 4y ago
It's a bit rough, maybe, but this old Buddhist story helped me: The family had finished the new house and went to the monk to get a scroll to sanctify the hearth. The monk worked for some time, and then called the family to see the scroll he had written. It said: Grandfather dies Father dies Son dies Grandson dies The family were taken aback, and asked the monk to try again. He called them back the next day and said, "I tried every combination of the verses, and this is the best order."
dazc 4y ago
You will cope with it better than you currently think you will. It could be still a long way off though, so make the most of the time that remains.
joshcanhelp 4y ago
I had none of that anxiety when my mom had a stroke last year. She survived but lost a lot of her capacity to speak and will to live. It’s been devastating but I’ve had a chance to spend time with her and tell her things I never thought I needed to say. If I had to give some advice, I would say the most important thing to do now is to make sure that they are prepared for the administrative side of major health events and death. Power of attorney, wills, passwords, keys, etc. Having to push through a bunch of paperwork while grieving was a really tough experience. I would also recommend starting to think about it happening now so you can make good choices about how you spend your time. If you’re actively avoiding the subject in your head then it will be a much bigger hit when it inevitably happens. Grief and loss is universal but also very personal. It’s very hard to go through but you grow a lot, personally, if you let it happen. I wrote about my experience with my mom’s stroke below. If it’s not too heavy, there might be something helpful in there for you. https://www.joshcanhelp.com/stroke/ https://www.joshcanhelp.com/stroke/
Buttons840 4y ago
I was raised in a religion and I'm considering returning to it. It gave me peace, and although I know I may be deluding myself, I like the effects. I think I can hold both views in myself, this religion serves me, but it may be wrong and I understand it doesn't serve everyone and it's okay if others choose other religions or no religion. I will also be much more hesitant to give money to my religion. So far it has helped with death anxiety. No atheists in foxholes, none of us are getting out of this alive, etc.
- belter 4y ago
  I see the number of priests abusing children, and take that as an example that, neither religion made them a better person, neither they seem afraid of the after life they preach about...
  - walkhour 4y ago
    And nevertheless the percentage of priests abusing children is lower than the percentage of school teachers doing the same. Make sure to bring that up every time you talk about the public school system.
    - cinntaile 4y ago
      > And nevertheless the percentage of priests abusing children is lower than the percentage of school children doing the same. Are you sure this is what you mean?
      - CrazyPyroLinux 4y ago
        Probably referring to teachers.
        dsfyu404ed 4y ago
        Probably still technically correct with the typo.
    - 4y ago
katzgrau 4y ago
The most basic advice is to try to focus on the time you have with them now - really spend some quality time and don't put it off. If you're anxious about the future, it's because you're spending you're time in this mentally fast forwarded space where you're dealing with the imagined realities of it. Your imagined ideas of future challenges, in my experience, are usually much worse than the ones I actually deal with. IMO, anxiety has more drawbacks than advantages. Let tomorrow's problems be tomorrow's problems. Enjoy your parents now.
CrazyPyroLinux 4y ago
Lately I've found a lot of practical comfort in the ideas of Stoicism (tempus fugit, memento mori, etc) Somewhat orthogonal (and thus compatible with) any other faith/religion you may have. I've found The Daily Stoic to be a good accessible on-ramp for these ideas: https://dailystoic.com/stoic-response-grief/ https://dailystoic.com/stoic-response-grief/ https://dailystoic.com/how-to-cure-anxiety/ https://dailystoic.com/how-to-cure-anxiety/
flangola7 4y ago
I recently learned I have - at best - 2 years to live. Prognosis is fatal in 100% of cases, no known cure and only weak compensatory treatments of any kind. I'm in my 30s. Not religious either so I don't have the comfort of expecting an afterlife. I've been through a lot of hard things but I was always taught how to be resourceful and make it through hard times to the other side. No one teaches you how to die. There is no other side to make it to.
- sirspacey 4y ago
  I have no idea if this suggestion is helpful, but to add to your potential resources - there is a hospice nurse on TikTok who talks about dying as a part of the process of life It helped me shift my thinking from death as an end to death as an experience
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- theaussiestew 4y ago
  What’s the condition?
anonuser123456 4y ago
Deeply accepting the Mr. Peanutbutter philosophy of life brought me a deep sense of internal calm about issues like this. https://youtu.be/AfqTOhi7AnQ https://youtu.be/AfqTOhi7AnQ
- sirspacey 4y ago
  Oddly the more I do mindfulness, same.
prettyeyes83 4y ago
two thoughts i try to hold on to, when my pre-loss anxiety takes over: 1) it's worse worse when parents have to bury their children (than vice versa). 2) there is sadness to having to say goodbye, but sadness is a beautiful thing. it is a different way to celebrate the love you had.
RHSman2 4y ago
Share meaningful times and emotions with the people that are close to you. I don’t think this is something that should be done because people will depart, more because it improves connection with people and helps you become a much more available person.
livelielife 4y ago
be thankful for what you've already had, remember it, cherish it?
dgacmu 4y ago
My mom passed last may. She'd been having some health problems for the preceding few months and I'd gotten in the habit of calling her daily just to check in briefly. I'm grateful I did; my biggest feeling for months after she died was that I regretted not being able to talk to her any more. I do still wish I'd gotten her to talk more about her stories, but having made a conscious effort to keep even more in touch helped me a lot - particularly coming after not seeing her in person for two years due to the pandemic. Tl;dr: consciously manage your relationship. implement a plan to be in contact regularly at a frequency that works for you and them, and stick to it. It will help reduce the "if only I had" kind of regrets. Grief still hurts, but that's normal and ok.
f_allwein 4y ago
Read up on stoicism, e.g. A Guide to the Good Life by William Irvine, https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-good-life https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-g... The key idea, iirc, is to regularly meditate on/ imagine the loss of everyone and everything you hold dear. On one hand, you’ll appreciate them more afterwards, on the other, it is good practice to prepare for actual losses.
night-rider 4y ago
> Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with the pre-loss anxiety? The dead live on, only not in physical form. That is the process of grief. It is the love for that person simply being unexpressed, the love you didn't express when they were alive.
brookst 4y ago
IMO the best thing you can do is accept you will lose them, and it may be sudden and unexpected, or it may be slow and awful. I’m sorry, it’s just true, and denial will just make it worse. Given acceptance of that reality, do the stuff you might wish you had done. Visit more, talk more, listen more. If they’re comfortable with mortality (older people are often moreso than younger), don’t avoid the topic. If they’re not, well, maybe there are small things you can do to help both you and them to accept. It’s such a difficult thing, but it’s pretty much mandatory. Acceptance can reduce anxiety.
Clubber 4y ago
>Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with the pre-loss anxiety? Spend as much time with them as you can, especially closer to the end. Make sure you go out to dinner with them if they are still able. Help when they need it. Tell them you love them. When it's over, it will leave a hole in you for the rest of your life, so spend the time while you can so you don't regret not doing that. My dad died when I was recently out of college. He got colon cancer and died 3 months later. Watching him decline was hard. It still hurts 23 years later. I've had uncles and aunts and grandparents I was close with die in the past few years. My mom is declining fast, so I spend at least one day a week with her, and do all her chores that need doing. She'll probably need to move in with me soon, which I'm fine with, because there's only a few years at best left. The one good thing about it, if I had to declare one, is nothing else in your life will ever be as bad as that. It really puts things into perspective. All your problems now will seem insignificant. I was lucky enough to have a really good childhood and really loving and supportive parents.

gamerDude 4y ago

I don't necessarily have anything for pre-loss anxiety, but I did suddenly lose my dad. As in talked to him the day before and he was feeling a little sick and the next day I learned that he had died alone in his home. Without going into some of the sadder details, I can tell you what helped the most. I felt complete in our relationship in the moment. I still have times when I wish I could share something with him. But, I felt like I had really vocalized the love I had for him. I love you doesn't really count in my mind, but being specific about how they make you feel loved and how you love them. And secondly, I had accepted/forgiven him for anything that wasn't in that love category. That feeling of being complete was really nice to have after his sudden passing. It didn't take away the sadness and missing him, but I didn't feel the regret that I've heard others do. So, my suggestion would be to express the specific love you feel for your parents and in laws to them and forgive or accept them in the other things. I hope this helps somehow or at least makes some nice moments in your family.

arwhatever 4y ago
I had basically this same thing happen a few years back. Dad mentioned he felt ill in an online chat and then that was it. He lived in a podunk and traveled little throughout his life - I lived in a larger metro area with some world-class outdoors, and just by luck it turned out he loved coming out to visit. So we had him out to visit over and over and over, and that traveling around with him is one of the things I’m most thankful to have done.
jmathai 4y ago
I wrote a letter to each of my parents outlining why I loved them and how appreciative I am for what they did for me. It was as much for myself than for them.

mattpallissard 4y ago

One of my very good friends is old enough to be my grandfather. I'm pretty comfortable with the idea of death, so I don't get anxious per-se. But it's still a very melancholy thing to think about. I just do as much as I can with him and try not to get distracted by it.

qup 4y ago

Do the work to spend the time with them before you no longer have the option. Enjoy them.

walterbell 4y ago

Short (25m) wordless art film, https://nbhap.com/sounds/the-national-mike-mills-i-am-easy-to-find https://nbhap.com/sounds/the-national-mike-mills-i-am-easy-t... > We are born, we live and then we all die. And in-between a lot of spectacular things can happen. Or maybe not. Sounds harsh when you put it like this, right? But there’s an undeniable and for many people uncomfortable truth in this and I Am Easy To Find is a film that transports that feeling pretty well.

jkettle 4y ago
That was a really beautiful film.
abledon 4y ago
well that was sad lol, need a sadhguru palette cleanser https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5x_XbIkVmg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5x_XbIkVmg
A4ET8a8uTh0 4y ago
“There was a man and he had eight sons. Apart from that, he was nothing more than a comma on the page of History. It's sad, but that's all you can say about some people.”[1] [1]https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/62360-sourcery https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/62360-sourcery
- q7xvh97o2pDhNrh 4y ago
  From Darwin's perspective, though, that's basically the exact opposite of "sad."
  - fwip 4y ago
    Nope. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9606284-a-man-s-friendships-are-one-of-the-best-measures-of https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9606284-a-man-s-friendships...
- Scarblac 4y ago
  You can tell by that quote that it's an early book in the series. The later books would not say that of anybody.

robinwarren 4y ago

I did a lot of listening to the griefcast (podcast with comedians talking about people they lost) recently which I think helped me. No idea if that's good advice and the people on it skew heavily uk centric so you might not know any of them. Good luck!

carapace 4y ago

It's a bit rough, maybe, but this old Buddhist story helped me: The family had finished the new house and went to the monk to get a scroll to sanctify the hearth. The monk worked for some time, and then called the family to see the scroll he had written. It said: Grandfather dies Father dies Son dies Grandson dies The family were taken aback, and asked the monk to try again. He called them back the next day and said, "I tried every combination of the verses, and this is the best order."

dazc 4y ago

You will cope with it better than you currently think you will. It could be still a long way off though, so make the most of the time that remains.

joshcanhelp 4y ago

I had none of that anxiety when my mom had a stroke last year. She survived but lost a lot of her capacity to speak and will to live. It’s been devastating but I’ve had a chance to spend time with her and tell her things I never thought I needed to say. If I had to give some advice, I would say the most important thing to do now is to make sure that they are prepared for the administrative side of major health events and death. Power of attorney, wills, passwords, keys, etc. Having to push through a bunch of paperwork while grieving was a really tough experience. I would also recommend starting to think about it happening now so you can make good choices about how you spend your time. If you’re actively avoiding the subject in your head then it will be a much bigger hit when it inevitably happens. Grief and loss is universal but also very personal. It’s very hard to go through but you grow a lot, personally, if you let it happen. I wrote about my experience with my mom’s stroke below. If it’s not too heavy, there might be something helpful in there for you. https://www.joshcanhelp.com/stroke/ https://www.joshcanhelp.com/stroke/

Buttons840 4y ago

I was raised in a religion and I'm considering returning to it. It gave me peace, and although I know I may be deluding myself, I like the effects. I think I can hold both views in myself, this religion serves me, but it may be wrong and I understand it doesn't serve everyone and it's okay if others choose other religions or no religion. I will also be much more hesitant to give money to my religion. So far it has helped with death anxiety. No atheists in foxholes, none of us are getting out of this alive, etc.

belter 4y ago
I see the number of priests abusing children, and take that as an example that, neither religion made them a better person, neither they seem afraid of the after life they preach about...
- walkhour 4y ago
  And nevertheless the percentage of priests abusing children is lower than the percentage of school teachers doing the same. Make sure to bring that up every time you talk about the public school system.
  - cinntaile 4y ago
    > And nevertheless the percentage of priests abusing children is lower than the percentage of school children doing the same. Are you sure this is what you mean?
    - CrazyPyroLinux 4y ago
      Probably referring to teachers.
      - dsfyu404ed 4y ago
        Probably still technically correct with the typo.
  - 4y ago

katzgrau 4y ago

The most basic advice is to try to focus on the time you have with them now - really spend some quality time and don't put it off. If you're anxious about the future, it's because you're spending you're time in this mentally fast forwarded space where you're dealing with the imagined realities of it. Your imagined ideas of future challenges, in my experience, are usually much worse than the ones I actually deal with. IMO, anxiety has more drawbacks than advantages. Let tomorrow's problems be tomorrow's problems. Enjoy your parents now.

CrazyPyroLinux 4y ago

Lately I've found a lot of practical comfort in the ideas of Stoicism (tempus fugit, memento mori, etc) Somewhat orthogonal (and thus compatible with) any other faith/religion you may have. I've found The Daily Stoic to be a good accessible on-ramp for these ideas: https://dailystoic.com/stoic-response-grief/ https://dailystoic.com/stoic-response-grief/ https://dailystoic.com/how-to-cure-anxiety/ https://dailystoic.com/how-to-cure-anxiety/

flangola7 4y ago

I recently learned I have - at best - 2 years to live. Prognosis is fatal in 100% of cases, no known cure and only weak compensatory treatments of any kind. I'm in my 30s. Not religious either so I don't have the comfort of expecting an afterlife. I've been through a lot of hard things but I was always taught how to be resourceful and make it through hard times to the other side. No one teaches you how to die. There is no other side to make it to.

sirspacey 4y ago
I have no idea if this suggestion is helpful, but to add to your potential resources - there is a hospice nurse on TikTok who talks about dying as a part of the process of life It helped me shift my thinking from death as an end to death as an experience
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
theaussiestew 4y ago
What’s the condition?

anonuser123456 4y ago

Deeply accepting the Mr. Peanutbutter philosophy of life brought me a deep sense of internal calm about issues like this. https://youtu.be/AfqTOhi7AnQ https://youtu.be/AfqTOhi7AnQ

sirspacey 4y ago
Oddly the more I do mindfulness, same.

prettyeyes83 4y ago

two thoughts i try to hold on to, when my pre-loss anxiety takes over: 1) it's worse worse when parents have to bury their children (than vice versa). 2) there is sadness to having to say goodbye, but sadness is a beautiful thing. it is a different way to celebrate the love you had.

RHSman2 4y ago

Share meaningful times and emotions with the people that are close to you. I don’t think this is something that should be done because people will depart, more because it improves connection with people and helps you become a much more available person.

livelielife 4y ago

be thankful for what you've already had, remember it, cherish it?

dgacmu 4y ago

My mom passed last may. She'd been having some health problems for the preceding few months and I'd gotten in the habit of calling her daily just to check in briefly. I'm grateful I did; my biggest feeling for months after she died was that I regretted not being able to talk to her any more. I do still wish I'd gotten her to talk more about her stories, but having made a conscious effort to keep even more in touch helped me a lot - particularly coming after not seeing her in person for two years due to the pandemic. Tl;dr: consciously manage your relationship. implement a plan to be in contact regularly at a frequency that works for you and them, and stick to it. It will help reduce the "if only I had" kind of regrets. Grief still hurts, but that's normal and ok.

f_allwein 4y ago

Read up on stoicism, e.g. A Guide to the Good Life by William Irvine, https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-good-life https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-g... The key idea, iirc, is to regularly meditate on/ imagine the loss of everyone and everything you hold dear. On one hand, you’ll appreciate them more afterwards, on the other, it is good practice to prepare for actual losses.

night-rider 4y ago

> Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with the pre-loss anxiety? The dead live on, only not in physical form. That is the process of grief. It is the love for that person simply being unexpressed, the love you didn't express when they were alive.

brookst 4y ago

IMO the best thing you can do is accept you will lose them, and it may be sudden and unexpected, or it may be slow and awful. I’m sorry, it’s just true, and denial will just make it worse. Given acceptance of that reality, do the stuff you might wish you had done. Visit more, talk more, listen more. If they’re comfortable with mortality (older people are often moreso than younger), don’t avoid the topic. If they’re not, well, maybe there are small things you can do to help both you and them to accept. It’s such a difficult thing, but it’s pretty much mandatory. Acceptance can reduce anxiety.

Clubber 4y ago

>Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with the pre-loss anxiety? Spend as much time with them as you can, especially closer to the end. Make sure you go out to dinner with them if they are still able. Help when they need it. Tell them you love them. When it's over, it will leave a hole in you for the rest of your life, so spend the time while you can so you don't regret not doing that. My dad died when I was recently out of college. He got colon cancer and died 3 months later. Watching him decline was hard. It still hurts 23 years later. I've had uncles and aunts and grandparents I was close with die in the past few years. My mom is declining fast, so I spend at least one day a week with her, and do all her chores that need doing. She'll probably need to move in with me soon, which I'm fine with, because there's only a few years at best left. The one good thing about it, if I had to declare one, is nothing else in your life will ever be as bad as that. It really puts things into perspective. All your problems now will seem insignificant. I was lucky enough to have a really good childhood and really loving and supportive parents.