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That was my dad’s strategy and I overdosed three times in high school, 20 years ago. We don’t talk anymore. A large part of the problem was not having my own s

That was my dad’s strategy and I overdosed three times in high school, 20 years ago. We don’t talk anymore. A large part of the problem was not having my own social group from being grounded for a full year when I wasn’t getting all my homework done.

AbrahamParangi 4y ago
Am I to understand you blame your father for overdosing 3 times?
- runnerup 4y ago
  Largely, yes. Every aspect of my life was heavily controlled and I had very little freedom to choose how I spent any of my time or efforts. I was still a child then, not an adult. I’ve had no problems with addiction since becoming an adult and being in control of my own life. Would you blame yourself if your 3-year old overdosed on Tylenol he grabbed from your medicine cabinet? Would you blame yourself if your 17-year old daughter chose to commit suicide by grabbing a bottle of Tylenol from your medicine cabinet?
  - AbrahamParangi 4y ago
    Were I your father I would blame myself, without a doubt. But that doesn't mean it's not strange to me that you blame him.
- inconceivable 4y ago
  draconian parenting in a free society leads to incredibly bad outcomes. the parents undermine their own authority and the child doesn't know any better but to rebel. this is why parenting is hard, you need to walk a fine line between 'friend' and 'jailer'. a lot of immigrants have a tough time with this general concept - they have no idea what it's like growing up in the US, none whatsoever. it produces wildly bi-modal outcomes. the ones that end up on the bottom of the curve are left scratching their heads, because they're ego-driven/stubborn or stupid, or both. and plenty of the outwardly successful kids have issues later on. also the reason i'm not going to have kids. i don't think i could handle it, and this isn't the sort of thing you get another shot at.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
matthew9219 4y ago
Can I ask - if you had the choice between attending treatment or being grounded, why did you choose to be grounded?
- runnerup 4y ago
  None of my family or friends were aware of my drug use at any point. That choice was not presented to me. Furthermore, rehab would not have fixed my conditions that led to addiction. I turned 18, my father moved out, I immediately found better things to do with my time now that I was free to plan my own day. And I never struggled with addiction again. I don’t think rehab would have helped, because it couldn’t solve my actual problem.
  - qwerpy 4y ago
    I'm glad you're doing better these days. As a father to very young kids, I'm curious to learn what I can from your experience. Was your father controlling you in a misguided but well-meaning attempt to shield you from "bad" stuff? Or was it more malicious? I don't plan to be the second type, but if your dad was also trying his best, how does a parent balance preventing obvious bad things from happening but also give enough freedom to not stifle the kid?
  - matthew9219 4y ago
    I'm glad you're doing better these days, but it's not at all clear to me how your experience relates to my original comment. In that comment, I suggested that parents should use the restriction of privileges to incentivize a non-compliant child to get the appropriate treatment for a substance abuse disorder. You indicated that your father restricted your privileges for such a long time it had a negative impact on your development but that your father was not aware of your substance abuse disorder. Then, the restrictions couldn't have been to incentivize you to get treatment. So how was your dad's strategy similar to my suggestion?

AbrahamParangi 4y ago

Am I to understand you blame your father for overdosing 3 times?

runnerup 4y ago
Largely, yes. Every aspect of my life was heavily controlled and I had very little freedom to choose how I spent any of my time or efforts. I was still a child then, not an adult. I’ve had no problems with addiction since becoming an adult and being in control of my own life. Would you blame yourself if your 3-year old overdosed on Tylenol he grabbed from your medicine cabinet? Would you blame yourself if your 17-year old daughter chose to commit suicide by grabbing a bottle of Tylenol from your medicine cabinet?
- AbrahamParangi 4y ago
  Were I your father I would blame myself, without a doubt. But that doesn't mean it's not strange to me that you blame him.
inconceivable 4y ago
draconian parenting in a free society leads to incredibly bad outcomes. the parents undermine their own authority and the child doesn't know any better but to rebel. this is why parenting is hard, you need to walk a fine line between 'friend' and 'jailer'. a lot of immigrants have a tough time with this general concept - they have no idea what it's like growing up in the US, none whatsoever. it produces wildly bi-modal outcomes. the ones that end up on the bottom of the curve are left scratching their heads, because they're ego-driven/stubborn or stupid, or both. and plenty of the outwardly successful kids have issues later on. also the reason i'm not going to have kids. i don't think i could handle it, and this isn't the sort of thing you get another shot at.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]

matthew9219 4y ago

Can I ask - if you had the choice between attending treatment or being grounded, why did you choose to be grounded?

runnerup 4y ago
None of my family or friends were aware of my drug use at any point. That choice was not presented to me. Furthermore, rehab would not have fixed my conditions that led to addiction. I turned 18, my father moved out, I immediately found better things to do with my time now that I was free to plan my own day. And I never struggled with addiction again. I don’t think rehab would have helped, because it couldn’t solve my actual problem.
- qwerpy 4y ago
  I'm glad you're doing better these days. As a father to very young kids, I'm curious to learn what I can from your experience. Was your father controlling you in a misguided but well-meaning attempt to shield you from "bad" stuff? Or was it more malicious? I don't plan to be the second type, but if your dad was also trying his best, how does a parent balance preventing obvious bad things from happening but also give enough freedom to not stifle the kid?
- matthew9219 4y ago
  I'm glad you're doing better these days, but it's not at all clear to me how your experience relates to my original comment. In that comment, I suggested that parents should use the restriction of privileges to incentivize a non-compliant child to get the appropriate treatment for a substance abuse disorder. You indicated that your father restricted your privileges for such a long time it had a negative impact on your development but that your father was not aware of your substance abuse disorder. Then, the restrictions couldn't have been to incentivize you to get treatment. So how was your dad's strategy similar to my suggestion?