5 ms·

Schedule something immediately after. It’s easy to leave if you want, and it’s also easy to make it clear that you’re interested in spending more time together

by csa 4y ago

Schedule something immediately after. It’s easy to leave if you want, and it’s also easy to make it clear that you’re interested in spending more time together. “Hey, I’m meeting some friends at 6. I really enjoyed talking with you today. Would you like to go to $ACTIVITY on $DATE?”

midoridensha 4y ago
Huh? No, I'm asking how to end a date very quickly because it's immediately obvious that it won't work out. I don't want to make up an excuse and then schedule something later, and then contact them afterwards and say I can't make it: that's lying.
- csa 4y ago
  That’s not what I was suggesting. Plan of action: 1. Schedule date #1 (e.g., at 5pm at a coffeehouse). 2. Schedule anything else at 5:30pm or 6pm. This can be date #2, something with friends, or even just a phone call to someone (like a friend from high school or a dear relative). No need to lie. 3. If date doesn’t work out, just announce your scheduled plan and dip. You might not get out at 5 minutes, but you can get out at 15-30 minutes easily. 4. If date does work out, you can reschedule your plan from point 2 (at 5:30 or 6) and extend date #1. Or you can end date #1 as scheduled and just give positive vibes about round two with that person. Dating, especially online dating, is a numbers game. You have to figure out how to meet (potentially) a lot of people, ideally in a short period of time. When I was doing online dating, I typically scheduled 3-4 first dates a day on weekends, or 2-3 first dates on weekdays (again, these were just “get to know you” dates). Most second dates were the only date that day, and third dates were almost always designed for intimate outcomes (in my dating area, you run a serious risk of getting ghosted if the romance isn’t happening by then). I do have to ask, are you male or female? I’m a male, and I’m not sure how this might be different for females — possibly a very different dynamic.
  - midoridensha 4y ago
    I see now, thanks! I'm male BTW. However, in my locale and age range, it seems like women are not so keen to get to the intimate outcome stage by the 3rd date.
    - csa 4y ago
      May I ask where you are? Your name is made of Japanese words. Is it Japan? If you are in Japan, then I think romance should be a goal on the second date if the women are over college age (22). There are very few inhibitions about sex in Japan (in my experience), and most Japanese women I have dated seem to think it’s difficult to find partners who are keenly interested in romance.
      - midoridensha 4y ago
        I'm in Japan. But I'm not dating women in their 20s. It seems like older women are only interested in long-term relationships, which is understandable of course, but it's quite different from women in their late 20s being happy to go to a love hotel on the 2nd or 3rd date. Maybe I'm missing something. I'm not complaining really, but every time I read stuff about women here not having many inhibitions about sex and sex being really commonplace, I feel like I'm in an alternate universe because that just isn't my experience, but again, I'm not dating women in their 20s any more so I think there's probably a big generational difference.
        csa 4y ago
        I think that there may be some specifics that matter (that I may have glossed over). Note that this is talking mostly about women in their 30s, but also women in their late 20s and early 40s: - If you’re doing omiai or some proxy thereof, then the push to committing to long term relationships is real. Sex is not really a goal with that process. - It’s important to know if the date event is known by her family and friends or not. If so, that’s almost like omiai (esp. for women in their 30s), and it puts a lot of pressure on the two of you. They will be questioned non-stop about the date. It’s really unhealthy, imho. - It’s important to be able to hang out in a place where their friends and family are not likely to find out about the date. This takes a lot of pressure off the woman. This is easy to do in places like Tokyo, but maybe not as easy in towns and smaller cities. - It’s important to have your own place, imho. It can be awkward and less easy if the guy lives with his parents. Love hotels are nice sometimes, but they are not good for a regular thing, imho. - Many/most of the Japanese women I dated definitely looked for early commitment, but you have to take that with a grain of salt. Most of them just don’t want to be used for sex only (although some do seek that out), and that’s understandable. That said, you can set reasonable expectations (e.g., “i’m really enjoying getting to know you, and I look forward to more”), and break it off if and when it doesn’t seem right for you. - I’m not sure if you are Japanese or gaijin, and if gaijin, where you are from. Some nationalities are less popular and/or have very narrow groups who are interested in them. Just find someone like you who has game, and try to do what they do. If you are gaijin, make sure you Japanese is on point. Japan is a very different place (mostly better, imho) when you can speak Japanese. - Related, go with your friends to places where people go with their friends to unwind and have fun. I have found it very easy to meet people like that — inhibitions are down. Anyway, best of luck!

by csa 4y ago

midoridensha 4y ago

Huh? No, I'm asking how to end a date very quickly because it's immediately obvious that it won't work out. I don't want to make up an excuse and then schedule something later, and then contact them afterwards and say I can't make it: that's lying.

csa 4y ago
That’s not what I was suggesting. Plan of action: 1. Schedule date #1 (e.g., at 5pm at a coffeehouse). 2. Schedule anything else at 5:30pm or 6pm. This can be date #2, something with friends, or even just a phone call to someone (like a friend from high school or a dear relative). No need to lie. 3. If date doesn’t work out, just announce your scheduled plan and dip. You might not get out at 5 minutes, but you can get out at 15-30 minutes easily. 4. If date does work out, you can reschedule your plan from point 2 (at 5:30 or 6) and extend date #1. Or you can end date #1 as scheduled and just give positive vibes about round two with that person. Dating, especially online dating, is a numbers game. You have to figure out how to meet (potentially) a lot of people, ideally in a short period of time. When I was doing online dating, I typically scheduled 3-4 first dates a day on weekends, or 2-3 first dates on weekdays (again, these were just “get to know you” dates). Most second dates were the only date that day, and third dates were almost always designed for intimate outcomes (in my dating area, you run a serious risk of getting ghosted if the romance isn’t happening by then). I do have to ask, are you male or female? I’m a male, and I’m not sure how this might be different for females — possibly a very different dynamic.
- midoridensha 4y ago
  I see now, thanks! I'm male BTW. However, in my locale and age range, it seems like women are not so keen to get to the intimate outcome stage by the 3rd date.
  - csa 4y ago
    May I ask where you are? Your name is made of Japanese words. Is it Japan? If you are in Japan, then I think romance should be a goal on the second date if the women are over college age (22). There are very few inhibitions about sex in Japan (in my experience), and most Japanese women I have dated seem to think it’s difficult to find partners who are keenly interested in romance.
    - midoridensha 4y ago
      I'm in Japan. But I'm not dating women in their 20s. It seems like older women are only interested in long-term relationships, which is understandable of course, but it's quite different from women in their late 20s being happy to go to a love hotel on the 2nd or 3rd date. Maybe I'm missing something. I'm not complaining really, but every time I read stuff about women here not having many inhibitions about sex and sex being really commonplace, I feel like I'm in an alternate universe because that just isn't my experience, but again, I'm not dating women in their 20s any more so I think there's probably a big generational difference.
      - csa 4y ago
        I think that there may be some specifics that matter (that I may have glossed over). Note that this is talking mostly about women in their 30s, but also women in their late 20s and early 40s: - If you’re doing omiai or some proxy thereof, then the push to committing to long term relationships is real. Sex is not really a goal with that process. - It’s important to know if the date event is known by her family and friends or not. If so, that’s almost like omiai (esp. for women in their 30s), and it puts a lot of pressure on the two of you. They will be questioned non-stop about the date. It’s really unhealthy, imho. - It’s important to be able to hang out in a place where their friends and family are not likely to find out about the date. This takes a lot of pressure off the woman. This is easy to do in places like Tokyo, but maybe not as easy in towns and smaller cities. - It’s important to have your own place, imho. It can be awkward and less easy if the guy lives with his parents. Love hotels are nice sometimes, but they are not good for a regular thing, imho. - Many/most of the Japanese women I dated definitely looked for early commitment, but you have to take that with a grain of salt. Most of them just don’t want to be used for sex only (although some do seek that out), and that’s understandable. That said, you can set reasonable expectations (e.g., “i’m really enjoying getting to know you, and I look forward to more”), and break it off if and when it doesn’t seem right for you. - I’m not sure if you are Japanese or gaijin, and if gaijin, where you are from. Some nationalities are less popular and/or have very narrow groups who are interested in them. Just find someone like you who has game, and try to do what they do. If you are gaijin, make sure you Japanese is on point. Japan is a very different place (mostly better, imho) when you can speak Japanese. - Related, go with your friends to places where people go with their friends to unwind and have fun. I have found it very easy to meet people like that — inhibitions are down. Anyway, best of luck!