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Yep that’s where I’m at too, more or less - I’ve given up on imposing strict boundaries on potential matches, I just meet people and see if I like them. One of

Yep that’s where I’m at too, more or less - I’ve given up on imposing strict boundaries on potential matches, I just meet people and see if I like them. One of my buddies is real outraged about it, she thinks I’m wasting people’s time, but I don’t see it that way - I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. At this point the best I can do for ‘my type’ is weirdos who like me.

csa 4y ago
> I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. Great observation. I’m basically a “look at profile, send a dm if interesting, schedule a meeting if they reply” type of guy. The first few minutes of a “coffee date” tells me more about the person than any amount of detailed profile or DMing can.
- midoridensha 4y ago
  I mostly like this approach too, but the main problem I've found is that I've frequently found that I wished I could end the date within 5 minutes, and feel like I've wasted my time. But I couldn't tell this before actually meeting them in person, and I haven't found a way of gracefully aborting the date early.
  - csa 4y ago
    Schedule something immediately after. It’s easy to leave if you want, and it’s also easy to make it clear that you’re interested in spending more time together. “Hey, I’m meeting some friends at 6. I really enjoyed talking with you today. Would you like to go to $ACTIVITY on $DATE?”
    - midoridensha 4y ago
      Huh? No, I'm asking how to end a date very quickly because it's immediately obvious that it won't work out. I don't want to make up an excuse and then schedule something later, and then contact them afterwards and say I can't make it: that's lying.
      - csa 4y ago
        That’s not what I was suggesting. Plan of action: 1. Schedule date #1 (e.g., at 5pm at a coffeehouse). 2. Schedule anything else at 5:30pm or 6pm. This can be date #2, something with friends, or even just a phone call to someone (like a friend from high school or a dear relative). No need to lie. 3. If date doesn’t work out, just announce your scheduled plan and dip. You might not get out at 5 minutes, but you can get out at 15-30 minutes easily. 4. If date does work out, you can reschedule your plan from point 2 (at 5:30 or 6) and extend date #1. Or you can end date #1 as scheduled and just give positive vibes about round two with that person. Dating, especially online dating, is a numbers game. You have to figure out how to meet (potentially) a lot of people, ideally in a short period of time. When I was doing online dating, I typically scheduled 3-4 first dates a day on weekends, or 2-3 first dates on weekdays (again, these were just “get to know you” dates). Most second dates were the only date that day, and third dates were almost always designed for intimate outcomes (in my dating area, you run a serious risk of getting ghosted if the romance isn’t happening by then). I do have to ask, are you male or female? I’m a male, and I’m not sure how this might be different for females — possibly a very different dynamic.
        midoridensha 4y ago
        I see now, thanks! I'm male BTW. However, in my locale and age range, it seems like women are not so keen to get to the intimate outcome stage by the 3rd date.
        csa 4y ago
        May I ask where you are? Your name is made of Japanese words. Is it Japan? If you are in Japan, then I think romance should be a goal on the second date if the women are over college age (22). There are very few inhibitions about sex in Japan (in my experience), and most Japanese women I have dated seem to think it’s difficult to find partners who are keenly interested in romance.

csa 4y ago

> I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. Great observation. I’m basically a “look at profile, send a dm if interesting, schedule a meeting if they reply” type of guy. The first few minutes of a “coffee date” tells me more about the person than any amount of detailed profile or DMing can.

midoridensha 4y ago
I mostly like this approach too, but the main problem I've found is that I've frequently found that I wished I could end the date within 5 minutes, and feel like I've wasted my time. But I couldn't tell this before actually meeting them in person, and I haven't found a way of gracefully aborting the date early.
- csa 4y ago
  Schedule something immediately after. It’s easy to leave if you want, and it’s also easy to make it clear that you’re interested in spending more time together. “Hey, I’m meeting some friends at 6. I really enjoyed talking with you today. Would you like to go to $ACTIVITY on $DATE?”
  - midoridensha 4y ago
    Huh? No, I'm asking how to end a date very quickly because it's immediately obvious that it won't work out. I don't want to make up an excuse and then schedule something later, and then contact them afterwards and say I can't make it: that's lying.
    - csa 4y ago
      That’s not what I was suggesting. Plan of action: 1. Schedule date #1 (e.g., at 5pm at a coffeehouse). 2. Schedule anything else at 5:30pm or 6pm. This can be date #2, something with friends, or even just a phone call to someone (like a friend from high school or a dear relative). No need to lie. 3. If date doesn’t work out, just announce your scheduled plan and dip. You might not get out at 5 minutes, but you can get out at 15-30 minutes easily. 4. If date does work out, you can reschedule your plan from point 2 (at 5:30 or 6) and extend date #1. Or you can end date #1 as scheduled and just give positive vibes about round two with that person. Dating, especially online dating, is a numbers game. You have to figure out how to meet (potentially) a lot of people, ideally in a short period of time. When I was doing online dating, I typically scheduled 3-4 first dates a day on weekends, or 2-3 first dates on weekdays (again, these were just “get to know you” dates). Most second dates were the only date that day, and third dates were almost always designed for intimate outcomes (in my dating area, you run a serious risk of getting ghosted if the romance isn’t happening by then). I do have to ask, are you male or female? I’m a male, and I’m not sure how this might be different for females — possibly a very different dynamic.
      - midoridensha 4y ago
        I see now, thanks! I'm male BTW. However, in my locale and age range, it seems like women are not so keen to get to the intimate outcome stage by the 3rd date.
        csa 4y ago
        May I ask where you are? Your name is made of Japanese words. Is it Japan? If you are in Japan, then I think romance should be a goal on the second date if the women are over college age (22). There are very few inhibitions about sex in Japan (in my experience), and most Japanese women I have dated seem to think it’s difficult to find partners who are keenly interested in romance.