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> but in practice when you find yourself swiping left simply because they're not the right age only 5 minutes after you set the age filter, you start wondering

by csa 4y ago

> but in practice when you find yourself swiping left simply because they're not the right age only 5 minutes after you set the age filter, you start wondering if maybe there's a difference between your stated and revealed preferences. Meh… I almost always set a really wide band on age on dating apps. The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. Typically it’s: - Really young people (I’m in the middle aged dating pool) have to show some maturity — I don’t want to date a kid, and I don’t want to date someone with a daddy complex. - Older ladies need to show some youthfulness. Some people have clearly given up in middle age in terms of taking care of themselves and doing interesting things. I’m not interested in these folks — they seem like they have one foot in the grave to me. For reference, my dating range has been -15 to +7, so I don’t think I’m being overly narrow in my band. That said, most of my dates are in the -5 to -10 range.

Nifty3929 4y ago
>> The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. I think this is the crux of the issue - we don't have absolute, binary requirements, we have weighted preferences. "He's a bit older, but then again he looks youthful. OTOH he doesn't have any hobbies. But then again we're aligned politically. Okay, I'll chance it." A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold.
- midoridensha 4y ago
  >A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold. That would be great, but it won't work. Too many people will answer questions incorrectly or not at all, and almost no one will be able to even use the app effectively even if the app designers implemented it. And I have no confidence the app developers would even be able to implement it properly.
mock-possum 4y ago
Yep that’s where I’m at too, more or less - I’ve given up on imposing strict boundaries on potential matches, I just meet people and see if I like them. One of my buddies is real outraged about it, she thinks I’m wasting people’s time, but I don’t see it that way - I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. At this point the best I can do for ‘my type’ is weirdos who like me.
- csa 4y ago
  > I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. Great observation. I’m basically a “look at profile, send a dm if interesting, schedule a meeting if they reply” type of guy. The first few minutes of a “coffee date” tells me more about the person than any amount of detailed profile or DMing can.
  - midoridensha 4y ago
    I mostly like this approach too, but the main problem I've found is that I've frequently found that I wished I could end the date within 5 minutes, and feel like I've wasted my time. But I couldn't tell this before actually meeting them in person, and I haven't found a way of gracefully aborting the date early.
    - csa 4y ago
      Schedule something immediately after. It’s easy to leave if you want, and it’s also easy to make it clear that you’re interested in spending more time together. “Hey, I’m meeting some friends at 6. I really enjoyed talking with you today. Would you like to go to $ACTIVITY on $DATE?”
      - midoridensha 4y ago

by csa 4y ago

Nifty3929 4y ago

>> The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. I think this is the crux of the issue - we don't have absolute, binary requirements, we have weighted preferences. "He's a bit older, but then again he looks youthful. OTOH he doesn't have any hobbies. But then again we're aligned politically. Okay, I'll chance it." A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold.

midoridensha 4y ago
>A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold. That would be great, but it won't work. Too many people will answer questions incorrectly or not at all, and almost no one will be able to even use the app effectively even if the app designers implemented it. And I have no confidence the app developers would even be able to implement it properly.

mock-possum 4y ago

Yep that’s where I’m at too, more or less - I’ve given up on imposing strict boundaries on potential matches, I just meet people and see if I like them. One of my buddies is real outraged about it, she thinks I’m wasting people’s time, but I don’t see it that way - I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. At this point the best I can do for ‘my type’ is weirdos who like me.

csa 4y ago
> I’m consistently surprised at who I end up vibing with, and i don’t know how to set rules for myself that would still allow me to meet those people, while excluding everyone else with no potential. I’d rather just try stuff on and see what fits. Great observation. I’m basically a “look at profile, send a dm if interesting, schedule a meeting if they reply” type of guy. The first few minutes of a “coffee date” tells me more about the person than any amount of detailed profile or DMing can.
- midoridensha 4y ago
  I mostly like this approach too, but the main problem I've found is that I've frequently found that I wished I could end the date within 5 minutes, and feel like I've wasted my time. But I couldn't tell this before actually meeting them in person, and I haven't found a way of gracefully aborting the date early.
  - csa 4y ago
    Schedule something immediately after. It’s easy to leave if you want, and it’s also easy to make it clear that you’re interested in spending more time together. “Hey, I’m meeting some friends at 6. I really enjoyed talking with you today. Would you like to go to $ACTIVITY on $DATE?”
    - midoridensha 4y ago