5 ms·

When I last worked in person in IT, a few members of my team would get up at 2pm to get coffee and chat about work and life. Different people went in the mornin

When I last worked in person in IT, a few members of my team would get up at 2pm to get coffee and chat about work and life. Different people went in the mornings. It was really useful to team-build and feel decent about work. People who say "I don't have friends at work" with pride are completely foreign to me. I don't understand how people are supposed to have any joy at work, or get over comms barriers, when there is no opportunity to get to know coworkers as people.

dylan604 4y ago
I can have lunch and water cooler chat friends at work, but rarely do they turn into invite over to bbq on the weekend friends. There's a big difference. You can be friendly, but when something happens at work and one of you no longer works there...things get weird. Those weekend bbqs that you had with work friends no longer happen, or they keep going for a bit, but conversations are awkward since the still employed are no longer free to discuss or the no-longer employed harbors resentment that isn't exactly hidden. What kind of "friend" was that after all?
- Dalewyn 4y ago
  This and other kinds of social issues are why some cultures put a very clear line between professional and personal. God forbid if it concerns intimate matters, which are the worst.
- good_boy 4y ago
  It all depends. Most of my coworkers are friendly, some are friends. We respect each other, etc, but it most cases any contacts end when someone leaves the company. The key marker is can I discuss any matters, including inappropriate, politically incorrect? In most cases not. But with true friend we can discuss anything without a fear of being reported. And we are still in contact many year after.
- gopher_space 4y ago
  Isn't this just another downside to stacked ranking? Plenty of other professions allow you to make friends.
peterangular 4y ago
Just responding to some of your points - sorry if this comes off as abrasive. > a few members of my team would get up at 2pm to get coffee and chat about work and life If I stopped programming arbitrarily at 2:00pm when my hours are 9:00am-5:00pm I expect to be let go (unless I'm taking this as my lunch period). Especially to socialize over coffee. As a production-level IC I just can't do that ethically, and perhaps this is a personal fault... but I'm paid to keep my nose down and develop software solutions, not to socialize with colleagues. If we need to meet over work it's best to get that on the calendar so there's some expectation of formality - not in some adhoc social hour/afternoon. > People who say "I don't have friends at work" with pride are completely foreign to me. I don't say it with "pride," but I have 100% learned to put distance between my personal and professional lives. Example: every time I have had to deal with suicide scares it's always been a professional relationship/colleague of sorts. It's been three times now, and for some reason I seem like a trustable enough person that people put this on me. I hate it. Then, there's people who I have thought were close friends who completely ghosted me after moving to a different company - who knows, maybe it's me. But I've heard lots of people express similar frustrations and it's just pushed me to consider every work friendship a "work friendship." I have more equitable and consistent relationships when I make friends outside of my profession, I invest my time and energy there. Finally there's the emotional investment. When it comes to employment I am not part of a "family," and I'd really appreciate that sort of language to stop. Right now. I am selling my time and labor to a business to solve problems and fulfill operational duties that they require of me. At any point, employer or employee can terminate that relationship because "at will." This is surely not a "family," and I personally believe it is not an ideal spot to sink your social energy. I've seen people have their careers pulled from underneath them after over-investing socially into the company - they do not do well. I'm not here to emotionally invest during my 9-5, I'm here for business. Unless it's a requirement of the job (sales, vendors, talent aq, etc.) I am not putting myself out there socially/emotionally. --- Sorry to share some anecdotes but I think there are very valid reasons to put distance between your work relationships and your personal ones, purposefully erecting a buffer. I think it's very valid if someone wants to keep their work relationships just that: work relationships.
- unethical_ban 4y ago
Pokepokalypse 4y ago
I've lost too many friends to mass-layoffs over the years. I just can't do that shit anymore.
emptyfile 4y ago
[dead]

dylan604 4y ago

I can have lunch and water cooler chat friends at work, but rarely do they turn into invite over to bbq on the weekend friends. There's a big difference. You can be friendly, but when something happens at work and one of you no longer works there...things get weird. Those weekend bbqs that you had with work friends no longer happen, or they keep going for a bit, but conversations are awkward since the still employed are no longer free to discuss or the no-longer employed harbors resentment that isn't exactly hidden. What kind of "friend" was that after all?

Dalewyn 4y ago
This and other kinds of social issues are why some cultures put a very clear line between professional and personal. God forbid if it concerns intimate matters, which are the worst.
good_boy 4y ago
It all depends. Most of my coworkers are friendly, some are friends. We respect each other, etc, but it most cases any contacts end when someone leaves the company. The key marker is can I discuss any matters, including inappropriate, politically incorrect? In most cases not. But with true friend we can discuss anything without a fear of being reported. And we are still in contact many year after.
gopher_space 4y ago
Isn't this just another downside to stacked ranking? Plenty of other professions allow you to make friends.

peterangular 4y ago

Just responding to some of your points - sorry if this comes off as abrasive. > a few members of my team would get up at 2pm to get coffee and chat about work and life If I stopped programming arbitrarily at 2:00pm when my hours are 9:00am-5:00pm I expect to be let go (unless I'm taking this as my lunch period). Especially to socialize over coffee. As a production-level IC I just can't do that ethically, and perhaps this is a personal fault... but I'm paid to keep my nose down and develop software solutions, not to socialize with colleagues. If we need to meet over work it's best to get that on the calendar so there's some expectation of formality - not in some adhoc social hour/afternoon. > People who say "I don't have friends at work" with pride are completely foreign to me. I don't say it with "pride," but I have 100% learned to put distance between my personal and professional lives. Example: every time I have had to deal with suicide scares it's always been a professional relationship/colleague of sorts. It's been three times now, and for some reason I seem like a trustable enough person that people put this on me. I hate it. Then, there's people who I have thought were close friends who completely ghosted me after moving to a different company - who knows, maybe it's me. But I've heard lots of people express similar frustrations and it's just pushed me to consider every work friendship a "work friendship." I have more equitable and consistent relationships when I make friends outside of my profession, I invest my time and energy there. Finally there's the emotional investment. When it comes to employment I am not part of a "family," and I'd really appreciate that sort of language to stop. Right now. I am selling my time and labor to a business to solve problems and fulfill operational duties that they require of me. At any point, employer or employee can terminate that relationship because "at will." This is surely not a "family," and I personally believe it is not an ideal spot to sink your social energy. I've seen people have their careers pulled from underneath them after over-investing socially into the company - they do not do well. I'm not here to emotionally invest during my 9-5, I'm here for business. Unless it's a requirement of the job (sales, vendors, talent aq, etc.) I am not putting myself out there socially/emotionally. --- Sorry to share some anecdotes but I think there are very valid reasons to put distance between your work relationships and your personal ones, purposefully erecting a buffer. I think it's very valid if someone wants to keep their work relationships just that: work relationships.

unethical_ban 4y ago

Pokepokalypse 4y ago

I've lost too many friends to mass-layoffs over the years. I just can't do that shit anymore.

emptyfile 4y ago

[dead]