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Wow. I'd probably break up with a guy who "asked me to get off contraceptives". If you want to be responsible about preventing pregnancy, that's fantastic. If y

Wow. I'd probably break up with a guy who "asked me to get off contraceptives". If you want to be responsible about preventing pregnancy, that's fantastic. If you feel like that's any more than an input to her decision of whether to be on it, that's a pretty fundamental overreach.

warent 4y ago
Maybe I'm being overly generous, it seems like it may be possible for this kind of thing to be more of a request out of support/concern for a loved one's health, rather than one of control or knowing better than a woman. It has been my understanding that many men don't consider such things. My lady has had horrendous experiences with hormonal contraceptives. Based on what we know of it, if she ever expressed wanting to try it again, I'd ask she reconsiders, or that we explore other options. She would appreciate that as being thoughtful (not as me claiming to know what's better for her, better than herself.) Maybe it's all about context, I'm not sure
- practice9 4y ago
  > Maybe it's all about context, I'm not sure +100 For everyone the circumstances and relationship dynamics are different. And it's kind of disheartening to read a well-intentioned comment, see people assuming their own completely different context and then getting slightly aggressive about it.
  - emodendroket 4y ago
    Well, we've also been given the context that at least one person in the relationship got upset with the demand.
  - warent 4y ago
    It's only disheartening to me because woman live in a society where men perpetually behave like we know what's best for them. What you're reading as aggression, I'm reading as a reasonable response to a perfectly plausible alternative interpretation, which is that he knows what's best for his girlfriends better than they do for themselves. So many men have this corrupt mode of thinking that there is now an entire US state issuing bounties on women seeking control over their own bodies.
    - tines 4y ago
      > woman live in a society where men perpetually behave like we know what's best for them. Everyone lives in a society where everyone else behaves like they know what's best for them. Men currently happen to have more power to enact their plans, but it's about power, not about gender, and all people who seek power think that they know best.
    - hdjjhhvvhga 4y ago
      > a perfectly plausible alternative interpretation, which is that he knows what's best for his girlfriends better than they do for themselves. We are literally commenting on the article confirming using hormonal contraceptives increases the risk of cancer. So if your partner is using these you basically have two options: 1) ignore the issue and maybe not even mention it to her as this could be misinterpreted as influencing her decision, 2) address it out of pure concern for her future, even years ahead when you're no longer together.
      - lazyasciiart 4y ago
        3) bring it up to make sure she is aware of this possibly new information, and assume she will use it to inform her decision making? What do you think I meant by providing input to her decision? What on earth made you pull out the straw man that you can’t even influence them?
  - throwntoday 4y ago
    Go to any relationship subreddit and you'll see countless comments where the slightest misstep is treated as some indellible sin. It's terrifying how quickly these people would forsake a loved one. So many unbelievably jaded and cynical people influencing the thoughts of others.
- projectazorian 4y ago
  Discussing changes to birth control decisions in the context of a long term partnership is not, in my opinion, the same as having a policy of telling every woman you date to stop using contraceptives.
  - warent 4y ago
    You're right. However they did say they "ask" not "tell"; it was not necessarily a demand. It's hard to know exactly how the conversations went
kerpotgh 4y ago
[dead]
blindriver 4y ago
Meh. It's not particularly controversial so you're being overly dramatic. I didn't force anyone, we had an adult conversation about it and all my gfs were on the same page. If any one of my gfs wanted to stay on contraceptives in the first place, then great, I would still do the exact same thing to avoid getting her pregnant in case she missed a day, etc. My wife wasn't on contraceptives in the first place so it was basically a non-conversation. I think having an adult conversation is basic expectations for any healthy relationship. If you interpret broaching a subject as being cause for breaking up with someone... well, that's your prerogative.
- warent 4y ago
  Communication is a two way road. When you're talking about a sensitive topic and people don't know the context of you who are, don't be surprised when you are interpreted in a negative light. Based on your schoolyard dismissiveness here, it looks like they're spot on and you don't actually care much for adult conversations. You can dismiss that all you want but when people view us negatively in situations like this, it only hurts ourselves, so it's usually our responsibility to communicate better
  - blindriver 4y ago
    I don't feel the need to expend energy on anyone who immediately takes an overly negative opinion on a fairly benign sentence. We both know that nothing I say will change anyone's opinion, so why pretend that I should defend myself?
- fsckboy 4y ago
  > Meh. It's not particularly controversial so you're being overly dramatic. you're denying you have any unconscious motivation to "be controlling," as you again display in your response to GP's reasonable personal opinion.
  - blindriver 4y ago
    I thought the overly negative response unreasonable, and I have enough experience on the Internet to know that nothing I write will change their opinion, so I don't want to extend the conversation. I don't feel any particular need to defend my "Internet honor" and if anyone wants to interpret my post as some Handmaid's Tale order for women to submit to my demands, well that's their prerogative.
pfannkuchen 4y ago
Isn’t any “request” an input only? As opposed to a “command”.
- _cenw 4y ago
  It very much depends on context where request end and coersion starts. I'd be uncomfortable handing control over contraception use over to someone I've known for not so long. Just like a lot of guys use condoms because they don't trust the word of a women when she's saying she's on contraceptives.
- projectazorian 4y ago
  In places like the US where women’s reproductive rights are highly contested, many women don’t take well to men making unsolicited requests about their birth control decisions. Perhaps this isn’t the case everywhere, but this site has a very US-heavy readership so it seems reasonable to have that context be the default.
  - xyzelement 4y ago
    The person who started this thread was having a conversation with his girlfriend as part of a committed relationship, which seems way more important context than what you think is "contested in the US"
    - projectazorian 4y ago
      “Every single girlfriend I had, I asked her to get off contraceptives” is the tone of someone who is not interested in conversation and wants control. Bottom line.
      - xyzelement 4y ago
        I feel like I am taking crazy pills. How does the word "ask" imply control? They can say no.
        4y ago
throwntoday 4y ago
Why does it upset you that GP would be concerned for his GF's health? I also ask my GF's not to take oral contraceptives because of guilt that they're doing damage to their body for me. None have ever responded negatively, and at the end of the day it was a request. All agreed they did not feel great when taking the pills, but continued because of pressure by society/previous partners.
- blindriver 4y ago
  [flagged]
- projectazorian 4y ago
  Because it’s likely that you and GP do not understand the risks as well as you think you do. You are likely not a MD, and even if you were, you wouldn’t be the expert on your partner’s body, they are. The lack of humility is the issue. Now if your partner brings the topic up to you and mentions health issues they’re experiencing then sure, it’s fine to offer your view, but that’s not how it sounds to us reading.
  - gameman144 4y ago
    Why are you assuming that these things didn't come up though? In a committed relationship, I'd be really surprised if your partner didn't share their perspective during this conversation. Also, people don't need perfect information to have good intentions that can help. My friend might point out that I should cut back on my swordfish intake because it's high in mercury. They don't know my body as well as I do, and they're not an MD, but this seems like a totally fine topic to bring up.
  - throwntoday 4y ago
    You're suggesting that I never bring up something regarding my partner unless they mention it first. What an absurdly unrealistic and sterile view of love you have.
hdjjhhvvhga 4y ago
I see your point but I think the parent didn't mean "ask" as in "told", it's obvious (at least to me!) that such decisions are taken by the woman only. I interpret this as, "I take the full responsibility for not making you pregnant. You can relax now and you don't need to increase the risk of getting cancer out of fear of pregnancy."
- dryrun 4y ago
  I wonder if it's not also the comment format, that is not a full retranscription of the discussion they had, that brings this "ask" to an autoritative verb. The discussion may very well have been "I asked her if she wanted to get off the pill", and the parent took a shortcut on writing. I did this, and I'm now vasectomized, but even without this operation, the deal was always "I think this may be harmful to you, I would suggest to stop taking it, but that's your move. If you're taking it for contraceptive reasons, we can figure out something else". But this makes for a way longer comment, when you are replying quickly to a topic to provide an opinion on a subject.
guilhas 4y ago
In relationships, all "asks" are a smidge more than "just an input" that have to be negotiated with diplomacy or you'll probably end up alone a lot From medicines, to exercise, vaccines, going to GP, having more serious procedures, going to bed on time... contraceptives, condoms, vasectomy, pregnancy... tattoos, piercings... paying bills, mortgage, savings, joint/split accounts... partners will give inputs on everything. There is no overreach. Strange would be if they didn't worry about each other and the family future You will always have the last say about yourself, but you will also be mad when your partner ignores something you think you're righter Especially if you end up having children together and cannot handle disagreements on what best for their health and life in general

warent 4y ago

Maybe I'm being overly generous, it seems like it may be possible for this kind of thing to be more of a request out of support/concern for a loved one's health, rather than one of control or knowing better than a woman. It has been my understanding that many men don't consider such things. My lady has had horrendous experiences with hormonal contraceptives. Based on what we know of it, if she ever expressed wanting to try it again, I'd ask she reconsiders, or that we explore other options. She would appreciate that as being thoughtful (not as me claiming to know what's better for her, better than herself.) Maybe it's all about context, I'm not sure

practice9 4y ago
> Maybe it's all about context, I'm not sure +100 For everyone the circumstances and relationship dynamics are different. And it's kind of disheartening to read a well-intentioned comment, see people assuming their own completely different context and then getting slightly aggressive about it.
- emodendroket 4y ago
  Well, we've also been given the context that at least one person in the relationship got upset with the demand.
- warent 4y ago
  It's only disheartening to me because woman live in a society where men perpetually behave like we know what's best for them. What you're reading as aggression, I'm reading as a reasonable response to a perfectly plausible alternative interpretation, which is that he knows what's best for his girlfriends better than they do for themselves. So many men have this corrupt mode of thinking that there is now an entire US state issuing bounties on women seeking control over their own bodies.
  - tines 4y ago
    > woman live in a society where men perpetually behave like we know what's best for them. Everyone lives in a society where everyone else behaves like they know what's best for them. Men currently happen to have more power to enact their plans, but it's about power, not about gender, and all people who seek power think that they know best.
  - hdjjhhvvhga 4y ago
    > a perfectly plausible alternative interpretation, which is that he knows what's best for his girlfriends better than they do for themselves. We are literally commenting on the article confirming using hormonal contraceptives increases the risk of cancer. So if your partner is using these you basically have two options: 1) ignore the issue and maybe not even mention it to her as this could be misinterpreted as influencing her decision, 2) address it out of pure concern for her future, even years ahead when you're no longer together.
    - lazyasciiart 4y ago
      3) bring it up to make sure she is aware of this possibly new information, and assume she will use it to inform her decision making? What do you think I meant by providing input to her decision? What on earth made you pull out the straw man that you can’t even influence them?
- throwntoday 4y ago
  Go to any relationship subreddit and you'll see countless comments where the slightest misstep is treated as some indellible sin. It's terrifying how quickly these people would forsake a loved one. So many unbelievably jaded and cynical people influencing the thoughts of others.
projectazorian 4y ago
Discussing changes to birth control decisions in the context of a long term partnership is not, in my opinion, the same as having a policy of telling every woman you date to stop using contraceptives.
- warent 4y ago
  You're right. However they did say they "ask" not "tell"; it was not necessarily a demand. It's hard to know exactly how the conversations went

kerpotgh 4y ago

[dead]

blindriver 4y ago

Meh. It's not particularly controversial so you're being overly dramatic. I didn't force anyone, we had an adult conversation about it and all my gfs were on the same page. If any one of my gfs wanted to stay on contraceptives in the first place, then great, I would still do the exact same thing to avoid getting her pregnant in case she missed a day, etc. My wife wasn't on contraceptives in the first place so it was basically a non-conversation. I think having an adult conversation is basic expectations for any healthy relationship. If you interpret broaching a subject as being cause for breaking up with someone... well, that's your prerogative.

warent 4y ago
Communication is a two way road. When you're talking about a sensitive topic and people don't know the context of you who are, don't be surprised when you are interpreted in a negative light. Based on your schoolyard dismissiveness here, it looks like they're spot on and you don't actually care much for adult conversations. You can dismiss that all you want but when people view us negatively in situations like this, it only hurts ourselves, so it's usually our responsibility to communicate better
- blindriver 4y ago
  I don't feel the need to expend energy on anyone who immediately takes an overly negative opinion on a fairly benign sentence. We both know that nothing I say will change anyone's opinion, so why pretend that I should defend myself?
fsckboy 4y ago
> Meh. It's not particularly controversial so you're being overly dramatic. you're denying you have any unconscious motivation to "be controlling," as you again display in your response to GP's reasonable personal opinion.
- blindriver 4y ago
  I thought the overly negative response unreasonable, and I have enough experience on the Internet to know that nothing I write will change their opinion, so I don't want to extend the conversation. I don't feel any particular need to defend my "Internet honor" and if anyone wants to interpret my post as some Handmaid's Tale order for women to submit to my demands, well that's their prerogative.

pfannkuchen 4y ago

Isn’t any “request” an input only? As opposed to a “command”.

_cenw 4y ago
It very much depends on context where request end and coersion starts. I'd be uncomfortable handing control over contraception use over to someone I've known for not so long. Just like a lot of guys use condoms because they don't trust the word of a women when she's saying she's on contraceptives.
projectazorian 4y ago
In places like the US where women’s reproductive rights are highly contested, many women don’t take well to men making unsolicited requests about their birth control decisions. Perhaps this isn’t the case everywhere, but this site has a very US-heavy readership so it seems reasonable to have that context be the default.
- xyzelement 4y ago
  The person who started this thread was having a conversation with his girlfriend as part of a committed relationship, which seems way more important context than what you think is "contested in the US"
  - projectazorian 4y ago
    “Every single girlfriend I had, I asked her to get off contraceptives” is the tone of someone who is not interested in conversation and wants control. Bottom line.
    - xyzelement 4y ago
      I feel like I am taking crazy pills. How does the word "ask" imply control? They can say no.
      - 4y ago

throwntoday 4y ago

Why does it upset you that GP would be concerned for his GF's health? I also ask my GF's not to take oral contraceptives because of guilt that they're doing damage to their body for me. None have ever responded negatively, and at the end of the day it was a request. All agreed they did not feel great when taking the pills, but continued because of pressure by society/previous partners.

blindriver 4y ago
[flagged]
projectazorian 4y ago
Because it’s likely that you and GP do not understand the risks as well as you think you do. You are likely not a MD, and even if you were, you wouldn’t be the expert on your partner’s body, they are. The lack of humility is the issue. Now if your partner brings the topic up to you and mentions health issues they’re experiencing then sure, it’s fine to offer your view, but that’s not how it sounds to us reading.
- gameman144 4y ago
  Why are you assuming that these things didn't come up though? In a committed relationship, I'd be really surprised if your partner didn't share their perspective during this conversation. Also, people don't need perfect information to have good intentions that can help. My friend might point out that I should cut back on my swordfish intake because it's high in mercury. They don't know my body as well as I do, and they're not an MD, but this seems like a totally fine topic to bring up.
- throwntoday 4y ago
  You're suggesting that I never bring up something regarding my partner unless they mention it first. What an absurdly unrealistic and sterile view of love you have.

hdjjhhvvhga 4y ago

I see your point but I think the parent didn't mean "ask" as in "told", it's obvious (at least to me!) that such decisions are taken by the woman only. I interpret this as, "I take the full responsibility for not making you pregnant. You can relax now and you don't need to increase the risk of getting cancer out of fear of pregnancy."

dryrun 4y ago
I wonder if it's not also the comment format, that is not a full retranscription of the discussion they had, that brings this "ask" to an autoritative verb. The discussion may very well have been "I asked her if she wanted to get off the pill", and the parent took a shortcut on writing. I did this, and I'm now vasectomized, but even without this operation, the deal was always "I think this may be harmful to you, I would suggest to stop taking it, but that's your move. If you're taking it for contraceptive reasons, we can figure out something else". But this makes for a way longer comment, when you are replying quickly to a topic to provide an opinion on a subject.

guilhas 4y ago

In relationships, all "asks" are a smidge more than "just an input" that have to be negotiated with diplomacy or you'll probably end up alone a lot From medicines, to exercise, vaccines, going to GP, having more serious procedures, going to bed on time... contraceptives, condoms, vasectomy, pregnancy... tattoos, piercings... paying bills, mortgage, savings, joint/split accounts... partners will give inputs on everything. There is no overreach. Strange would be if they didn't worry about each other and the family future You will always have the last say about yourself, but you will also be mad when your partner ignores something you think you're righter Especially if you end up having children together and cannot handle disagreements on what best for their health and life in general