6 ms·

Taking Nothing Personally

49 points by bennesvig 15y ago

jayferd 15y ago
I think there's an important distinction between "not caring" and being detached from our own opinions. Say you're having an awful day and snap at me. If I were to "not care", I might just go about my business and that would be fine. But if I try to dig a little deeper, put myself in your shoes, and really understand what's going on, then I've not taken it personally, but I've made it very clear that I do care.
AznHisoka 15y ago
Yep, you shouldn't take anything personally from anyone that isn't family. Most people just want more dopamine, whether it comes in the form of more money, more sex, or just getting to work in time. You're just a means to an end for most people. hence, don't take what they say personally.
Swizec 15y ago
Not taking things personally is a good motto, but an even better motto is trying to understand the other person. Ok so they've just snapped something mean at you because you're slow with your job. Sure, it's mean, but maybe they're in a rush to get to their daughter who's just come out of surgery after a terrible car crash and they're, you know, in a bit of a hurry and not in the best of moods. Because people are generally nice. When they aren't nice it doesn't mean you shouldn't take it personally, it means you should ask what's wrong.
draggnar 15y ago
this article is timed well with all of this hoopla about copying designs
powertower 15y ago
How can "nothing" be taken personally?
- hobin 15y ago
  You can't. If you can, it means you don't give a carp at all what people think about you (as in NOT AT ALL), which means you're a psychopath. It's good to take some things personally. At least, I don't really see how one can improve him/herself if he/she doesn't take anything personally. And to be completely honest, I tend to be of the opinion that how much one takes personally is pretty hard-wired and can't be changed easily. <Put nature-vs-nurture debate here> I don't think you can 'decide' not to take something personally. (Perhaps you can see it wasn't personal in retrospect, and make the decision not to take something like that as a personal thing, after 'deciding' this many times, in the future.)
sliverstorm 15y ago
Caveat: I take almost nothing personally, but I feel like every now and again someone will accidentally let something slip in a joking or casual context that you should take personally. A criticism they would normally be too polite to say, for example. You have to be able to identify them among everything else in casual conversation that should not be taken seriously though. Also, to be clear, I don't mean "take offense"- I mean, treat it as actionable critique, for example.
hobin 15y ago
Well, of course people shouldn't take many of these things personally. What he describes is just slightly modified actor-observer bias (or asymmetry), a well-understood phenomenon in psychology. (For those who had not yet heard of the term, Wikipedia has an article on it that seems to explain the concept well enough: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Actor-observer_bias http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Actor-observer_bias)
- hobin 15y ago
  I made a slight mistake there. I meant fundamental attribution error, not actor-observer bias.
cateye 15y ago
Are people talking to your brother? If they are talking to you, you should take it personally. But how you process the information is up to. Endless looping about some trivial thing a customer says in an impatient mood, is not something you should base your life on. I think what you try to explain has nothing to do with personal versus impersonal but assessing peoples input correctly and balancing the value of it on some rational criteria. A lot of times this can mean that you can filter a lot of noise so you can focus on valuable input instead.
djtriptych 15y ago
Agreeing with Swizec here: "not taking things personally" shouldn't be conflated with "not caring", as the author does. Loving the person who is trying to insult you, and understanding why they might be frustrated, without reacting in kind, is truly a revolutionary way to think and act. Remember that everyone struggles with their own feelings of despair and unhappiness, and that their lashing out at you comes from that place more often than not. I like the idea of "not being there" or being completely transparent to attacks. Though the author's advice is good as written, that's not quite the same as not caring.

49 points by bennesvig 15y ago

I think there's an important distinction between "not caring" and being detached from our own opinions. Say you're having an awful day and snap at me. If I were to "not care", I might just go about my business and that would be fine. But if I try to dig a little deeper, put myself in your shoes, and really understand what's going on, then I've not taken it personally, but I've made it very clear that I do care.

AznHisoka 15y ago

Yep, you shouldn't take anything personally from anyone that isn't family. Most people just want more dopamine, whether it comes in the form of more money, more sex, or just getting to work in time. You're just a means to an end for most people. hence, don't take what they say personally.

Swizec 15y ago

Not taking things personally is a good motto, but an even better motto is trying to understand the other person. Ok so they've just snapped something mean at you because you're slow with your job. Sure, it's mean, but maybe they're in a rush to get to their daughter who's just come out of surgery after a terrible car crash and they're, you know, in a bit of a hurry and not in the best of moods. Because people are generally nice. When they aren't nice it doesn't mean you shouldn't take it personally, it means you should ask what's wrong.

draggnar 15y ago

this article is timed well with all of this hoopla about copying designs

powertower 15y ago

How can "nothing" be taken personally?

hobin 15y ago
You can't. If you can, it means you don't give a carp at all what people think about you (as in NOT AT ALL), which means you're a psychopath. It's good to take some things personally. At least, I don't really see how one can improve him/herself if he/she doesn't take anything personally. And to be completely honest, I tend to be of the opinion that how much one takes personally is pretty hard-wired and can't be changed easily. <Put nature-vs-nurture debate here> I don't think you can 'decide' not to take something personally. (Perhaps you can see it wasn't personal in retrospect, and make the decision not to take something like that as a personal thing, after 'deciding' this many times, in the future.)

sliverstorm 15y ago

Caveat: I take almost nothing personally, but I feel like every now and again someone will accidentally let something slip in a joking or casual context that you should take personally. A criticism they would normally be too polite to say, for example. You have to be able to identify them among everything else in casual conversation that should not be taken seriously though. Also, to be clear, I don't mean "take offense"- I mean, treat it as actionable critique, for example.

hobin 15y ago

Well, of course people shouldn't take many of these things personally. What he describes is just slightly modified actor-observer bias (or asymmetry), a well-understood phenomenon in psychology. (For those who had not yet heard of the term, Wikipedia has an article on it that seems to explain the concept well enough: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Actor-observer_bias http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Actor-observer_bias)

hobin 15y ago
I made a slight mistake there. I meant fundamental attribution error, not actor-observer bias.

cateye 15y ago

Are people talking to your brother? If they are talking to you, you should take it personally. But how you process the information is up to. Endless looping about some trivial thing a customer says in an impatient mood, is not something you should base your life on. I think what you try to explain has nothing to do with personal versus impersonal but assessing peoples input correctly and balancing the value of it on some rational criteria. A lot of times this can mean that you can filter a lot of noise so you can focus on valuable input instead.

djtriptych 15y ago

Agreeing with Swizec here: "not taking things personally" shouldn't be conflated with "not caring", as the author does. Loving the person who is trying to insult you, and understanding why they might be frustrated, without reacting in kind, is truly a revolutionary way to think and act. Remember that everyone struggles with their own feelings of despair and unhappiness, and that their lashing out at you comes from that place more often than not. I like the idea of "not being there" or being completely transparent to attacks. Though the author's advice is good as written, that's not quite the same as not caring.