This is a serious question that I hope gets answered: Is it possible to tell Linux (or Windows I guess) to immediately crash if you boot it up and are either 1)

This is a serious question that I hope gets answered: Is it possible to tell Linux (or Windows I guess) to immediately crash if you boot it up and are either 1) not connected to the internet or 2) not connected from a certain IP address. Then you could give up the key, but tell them "see, it's broken and I haven't been able to use it anyway."