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Struggling with loneliness for the first time in my life, at the moment. My core group of friends, whom I've known for 25+ years, all each had a kid in the spac

Struggling with loneliness for the first time in my life, at the moment. My core group of friends, whom I've known for 25+ years, all each had a kid in the space of a year. The pandemic made keeping those friendships alive difficult, but the kids turned it up a notch. I was gaslighting myself for a while that they were just busy, but when I heard about a couple of social things that I wasn't invited to, I realised that the friendships weren't on hold, they were hanging up. As an experiment, I stepped back and started to match the effort they were putting in and sadly I haven't spoken to some in months, some years. Working remotely, I need to make a real effort to maintain some social element in my life but having lost this core group of friends has been a huge blow; I have pretty regular dreams about it. Stoked to learn my brain is atrophying as a result!

dQw4w9WgXcQ 4y ago
> I stepped back and started to match the effort they were putting in How did you do it? Have you created an Excel spreadsheet and questioned them about their degree of effort, which you then compared to your level of effort? You added everything up and your column was higher than their column? I went through this approximately a year before you. Loneliness in this period is caused by your slow response to external change, as well as life telling you to make a life for yourself.
- 000ooo000 4y ago
  What a patronising response.
- trieste92 4y ago
  congrats, this was probably the most awful thing I've read this week
trieste92 4y ago
> I was gaslighting myself for a while that they were just busy, but when I heard about a couple of social things that I wasn't invited to, I realised that the friendships weren't on hold, they were hanging up. I feel this. It's incredibly painful to make that kind of realization and it's hard not to be resentful about it This happened to me and I was bitter about it for about 2 years, should've been in counseling but didn't even realize I was bitter
- 000ooo000 4y ago
  Sorry you experienced something similar. It sure is unpleasant. I can feel the bitterness but I don't think I'm ready to admit I can't work through it myself. Hope things are on the up for you.
  - janussunaj 4y ago
    "Work through it myself" is almost a contradiction in this case. Definitely look into getting some form of counseling you can afford. Another thing you can do in parallel is reaching out to other friends/acquaintances you might have lost touch with. Tell them honestly what you appreciate about them and that you'd like to revive the friendship. In both cases you'll feel awkward and uncertain. It's normal. Also, don't expect any single relationship to fulfill your unmet needs. But making yourself vulnerable to others is the beginning of "working through it yourself".

dQw4w9WgXcQ 4y ago

> I stepped back and started to match the effort they were putting in How did you do it? Have you created an Excel spreadsheet and questioned them about their degree of effort, which you then compared to your level of effort? You added everything up and your column was higher than their column? I went through this approximately a year before you. Loneliness in this period is caused by your slow response to external change, as well as life telling you to make a life for yourself.

000ooo000 4y ago
What a patronising response.
trieste92 4y ago
congrats, this was probably the most awful thing I've read this week

trieste92 4y ago

> I was gaslighting myself for a while that they were just busy, but when I heard about a couple of social things that I wasn't invited to, I realised that the friendships weren't on hold, they were hanging up. I feel this. It's incredibly painful to make that kind of realization and it's hard not to be resentful about it This happened to me and I was bitter about it for about 2 years, should've been in counseling but didn't even realize I was bitter

000ooo000 4y ago
Sorry you experienced something similar. It sure is unpleasant. I can feel the bitterness but I don't think I'm ready to admit I can't work through it myself. Hope things are on the up for you.
- janussunaj 4y ago
  "Work through it myself" is almost a contradiction in this case. Definitely look into getting some form of counseling you can afford. Another thing you can do in parallel is reaching out to other friends/acquaintances you might have lost touch with. Tell them honestly what you appreciate about them and that you'd like to revive the friendship. In both cases you'll feel awkward and uncertain. It's normal. Also, don't expect any single relationship to fulfill your unmet needs. But making yourself vulnerable to others is the beginning of "working through it yourself".