4 ms·

My first dose of dextro made me feel a sense of elation I hadn't felt since before I was a teen. It was nice in a way, but incredibly eerie too. My brain immed

My first dose of dextro made me feel a sense of elation I hadn't felt since before I was a teen. It was nice in a way, but incredibly eerie too. My brain immediately worked far better than usual as well, but I couldn't direct it. I could socialize more easily, go about tasks more easily, but I was dramatically less cognizant of what I was doing and why. That part was even worse. I can't imagine taking a proper dose of something like meth and feeling like that * 1000. I guess it might be nice in the strange way that things like meth are "nice", but... It's literally insanity. The worst part of ADHD meds is the part where I do things without needing to think about it. I can go on autopilot and just get stuff done... But I actually don't have a good grasp on the what and why part. My brain is just like "alright, do do do!". Externally it probably looks pretty unremarkable. Internally it's quite unsettling, though useful at times.

spiralx 4y ago
> My brain immediately worked far better than usual as well, but I couldn't direct it. I could socialize more easily, go about tasks more easily, but I was dramatically less cognizant of what I was doing and why. That part was even worse. It provides a laser-focus on whatever goal is in front of you, but if something catches your attention despite that then that laser-focus gets pointed towards the new thing and whatever it was you were in the middle of is now totally out of mind. You definitely need to realise this if you want to make effective use of amphetamines to improve focus, otherwise you end up with an unconsolidated melange of half-baked projects and aborted deep-dives :) > The worst part of ADHD meds is the part where I do things without needing to think about it. I can go on autopilot and just get stuff done... But I actually don't have a good grasp on the what and why part. My brain is just like "alright, do do do!". Externally it probably looks pretty unremarkable. Internally it's quite unsettling, though useful at times. For me the best part of ADHD medication was waking up in the morning and "just remembering" the thing I'd thought of before I went to sleep and had tagged as "I'll think about it in the morning". Our brains are designed to operate things without us having to consciously think about them and that's a good thing as consciousness is a scarce resource, especially for those of us who have to operate under ADHD's working memory and self-soothing deficits. Having parts of your brain start working as intended is pretty eerie in an existential way that I had to work through in my own head, but I think framing the autopilot positively is useful. I mean it's amazing how little conscious thought is required to get through the day if you think about it :)
LoganDark 4y ago
For the first day or two, it took so little effort to move my body that I felt like it was moving on its own. I could do any chore because it was just as enjoyable as anything else, I was just along for the ride. I was extremely easy to distract, I immediately took every opportunity I saw. Clean the bathroom, take a shower, make dinner. As soon as I got reminded of the existence of something, I'd immediately do it. At the end of each day I would have to catch up to all the tasks I started and never finished because I kept getting distracted. Draft messages or emails containing thousands of words, other essays, research and planning for personal projects, a million browser tabs, and so on. Whereas unmedicated I do nothing... on amphetamine I did everything, always. I no longer found any value in games, media or entertainment of any kind. I would write essays and do deep scientific research to occupy my brain. I never got bored; in fact I was completely unable to get bored. I could lay in bed for hours only using my imagination and still not get bored. I can't decide if that was good or bad. I know that I at least shouldn't be getting bored constantly, that's an ADHD thing. It's interesting to hear from someone who apparently had a similar experience, but considers it eerie and unsettling. I likened it to unlocking "the other half" of my life. I want to be both on and off medication. If I was on medication 24/7, I would lose the life that I currently have. If I was off medication 24/7... well, I'd still miss being able to do things, even though the meds seem to have zapped my depression more or less permanently. I can sort of imagine what taking a "proper" dose of meth would be like... it turns into a release agent at high enough doses, and that causes a much more intense effect... but also neurotoxicity. You do not want to develop a tolerance to dopamine itself. You can basically end up with ADHD much, much worse than what can occur naturally. Here's a fun bit of trivia: there's a prescription drug called Desoxyn that is basically just methamphetamine hydrochloride.
- spiralx 4y ago
  > Whereas unmedicated I do nothing... on amphetamine I did everything, always. > I can sort of imagine what taking a "proper" dose of meth would be like... So I used regular amphetamines for years (which ended up leading to seeking my ADHD diagnosis) while my exposure to meth is very limited (due to not wanting a neurotoxic habit), but to me there is both a quantitative and a qualitative difference between the two: dextroamphetamine feels focused and urgent whereas methamphetamine feels more exuberant and capable, and I suspect that of those two flavours, the former is actually more compatible with my ADHD than the latter. I'm already capable, what I could do with more of is urgency and focus, and definitely not an excess of exuberance :)

spiralx 4y ago

> My brain immediately worked far better than usual as well, but I couldn't direct it. I could socialize more easily, go about tasks more easily, but I was dramatically less cognizant of what I was doing and why. That part was even worse. It provides a laser-focus on whatever goal is in front of you, but if something catches your attention despite that then that laser-focus gets pointed towards the new thing and whatever it was you were in the middle of is now totally out of mind. You definitely need to realise this if you want to make effective use of amphetamines to improve focus, otherwise you end up with an unconsolidated melange of half-baked projects and aborted deep-dives :) > The worst part of ADHD meds is the part where I do things without needing to think about it. I can go on autopilot and just get stuff done... But I actually don't have a good grasp on the what and why part. My brain is just like "alright, do do do!". Externally it probably looks pretty unremarkable. Internally it's quite unsettling, though useful at times. For me the best part of ADHD medication was waking up in the morning and "just remembering" the thing I'd thought of before I went to sleep and had tagged as "I'll think about it in the morning". Our brains are designed to operate things without us having to consciously think about them and that's a good thing as consciousness is a scarce resource, especially for those of us who have to operate under ADHD's working memory and self-soothing deficits. Having parts of your brain start working as intended is pretty eerie in an existential way that I had to work through in my own head, but I think framing the autopilot positively is useful. I mean it's amazing how little conscious thought is required to get through the day if you think about it :)

LoganDark 4y ago

For the first day or two, it took so little effort to move my body that I felt like it was moving on its own. I could do any chore because it was just as enjoyable as anything else, I was just along for the ride. I was extremely easy to distract, I immediately took every opportunity I saw. Clean the bathroom, take a shower, make dinner. As soon as I got reminded of the existence of something, I'd immediately do it. At the end of each day I would have to catch up to all the tasks I started and never finished because I kept getting distracted. Draft messages or emails containing thousands of words, other essays, research and planning for personal projects, a million browser tabs, and so on. Whereas unmedicated I do nothing... on amphetamine I did everything, always. I no longer found any value in games, media or entertainment of any kind. I would write essays and do deep scientific research to occupy my brain. I never got bored; in fact I was completely unable to get bored. I could lay in bed for hours only using my imagination and still not get bored. I can't decide if that was good or bad. I know that I at least shouldn't be getting bored constantly, that's an ADHD thing. It's interesting to hear from someone who apparently had a similar experience, but considers it eerie and unsettling. I likened it to unlocking "the other half" of my life. I want to be both on and off medication. If I was on medication 24/7, I would lose the life that I currently have. If I was off medication 24/7... well, I'd still miss being able to do things, even though the meds seem to have zapped my depression more or less permanently. I can sort of imagine what taking a "proper" dose of meth would be like... it turns into a release agent at high enough doses, and that causes a much more intense effect... but also neurotoxicity. You do not want to develop a tolerance to dopamine itself. You can basically end up with ADHD much, much worse than what can occur naturally. Here's a fun bit of trivia: there's a prescription drug called Desoxyn that is basically just methamphetamine hydrochloride.

spiralx 4y ago
> Whereas unmedicated I do nothing... on amphetamine I did everything, always. > I can sort of imagine what taking a "proper" dose of meth would be like... So I used regular amphetamines for years (which ended up leading to seeking my ADHD diagnosis) while my exposure to meth is very limited (due to not wanting a neurotoxic habit), but to me there is both a quantitative and a qualitative difference between the two: dextroamphetamine feels focused and urgent whereas methamphetamine feels more exuberant and capable, and I suspect that of those two flavours, the former is actually more compatible with my ADHD than the latter. I'm already capable, what I could do with more of is urgency and focus, and definitely not an excess of exuberance :)