4 ms·

As one of the club-recommenders, this is specifically because socializing for the sake of socializing is boring. One phone call every few months or a few hours

As one of the club-recommenders, this is specifically because socializing for the sake of socializing is boring. One phone call every few months or a few hours in person a year are enough to be completely up to speed with someone. Any more than that and it gets awkward unless you have very good chemistry. I don’t want to give the wrong vibe: I love said phone call or in-person hours. The activity, even if it’s a meal or a walk, make it infinitely better and something that can happen on a more regular basis with less-close friends. Golf gets a lot of flak for being a game that men play because they’re too toxically masculine to ask their friends to just hang out. My perspective: there’s something to be said for people being too boring to just hang out with as often as you would be willing to play golf with them. This might be an extrovert/introvert divide. Extroverts being driven to have more casual friends where you need an activity to avoid awkwardness while introverts limit their friends to those with whom just existing is entertaining enough. The club attendance would be for extroverts here. I would tend instead to think that it’s a transition in civilization where we just have more fun things to do and don’t need to sit around “talking shit” as the article mentions. Roman gladiator events were a big deal and everyone attended, now you pick what sporting events you want to watch from home. Why would I sit around doing nothing when I can find people and make relationships while simultaneously having fun doing something I enjoy? Your comment portrays them as mutually exclusive and they aren’t.

whstl 4y ago
This sounds so alien to me. Even as an adult I still hang out with my college buddies at least once a week, to do absolutely nothing, sometimes we'd go to bars, often just chat. My parents also do it with their limited circle of friends. Same with my sister and her group of friends, sometimes they include me too. I don't know where I stand on the extrovert/introvert continuum but boring clubs are definitely 10x more boring than just hanging out for me. And interesting ones aren't exactly for "just hanging out".
- comfypotato 4y ago
  I have a small network (I think science says it averages 6 people for most) with whom I’m comfortable killing time doing nothing. Unfortunately there aren’t really any mutual ties among them. It’s about the next tier of friends/acquaintances. Just hanging out with the next tier, for me, sucks. I have SO many things I would rather be doing than hashing out surface level conversations with anyone outside the network of 6 friends (who include my parents in my case). At the same time, social interaction of any kind is nice. If I can combine the things I like with “people” I will. Your comment strikes me as you being fortunate to have a group of close college friends around, and your parents/sister similarly being fortunate to have groups of people who mutually like each other enough to have fun hanging out. It’s also very relative. Before I developed the hobbies and interest that took me away from kicking it with roommates etc., kicking it was better than nothing. I say “sucks” in this relative sense. I just have stuff I really like doing now.
  - whstl 4y ago
    Well, I'm fortunate, yes, but to be fair I'm up for hanging out with pretty much everyone. I hang out at work, at the co-working space we have with people I never talked before, with my neighbors, with my sister's acquaintances, with my dad's people. And all those people also seem to love "just hanging out", because they do. I also have plenty of hobbies, I have a band, soccer weekly with some folks, I also have a garden, I play video games with another buddy... My point I guess is that some people have a higher tolerance for hanging out with others, even unknown folks. I find that almost everyone has interesting stories to tell if you let them, and I enjoy hearing. I have my share of funny anecdotes too. I thought that's down to the introvert/extrovert spectrum but from your post it seems to be something else.
    - comfypotato 4y ago
      Ah, I have identified our disconnect. Our definition of hanging out is different. I’m going with “killing time” in a sense of hours at a time, which you definitely don’t do at work. Similarly, I doubt you often kill hours at a time with random people you don’t know or your neighbors. And your dad/sister’s people are different too if your dad/sister are there. Folks like me aren’t sociopathic lol. I like a good casual conversation with a neighbor when you happen to be getting the mail at the same time. I had a great conversation today with a stranger about Apple watches. It’s sitting in the garage with your roommates (and whoever else) for 6 hours on a Saturday smoking cigarettes talking shit that I’m highlighting as boring. (And the article is praising.) It’s not “lost” as the article states, I just have better things to do. And that used to be every Saturday for me (pandemic aside).
      - whstl 4y ago
        Nope. I definitely do kill hours at a time with people from work or people I never talked with. :D My team has weekly happy-hours which are obviously after hours (I honestly thought every team did it!), my landlady often invites us tenants a monthly dinner that goes into the night, I attend random Meetups and just stay for several hours chatting, I participate in our co-working space "parties" and stay until late with people I never seen. Heck, yesterday I went to a restaurant with my (recent) language class and we stayed until 2AM. Of course you can claim "this is not really hanging out, this is other stuff". I hate cigarettes and don't have a garage, but I guess drinking and random location is equivalent, as long as we chat for hours, so why not? But I definitely do not consider "chatting while picking up the mail" as hanging out. Not even in the same ballpark. In Germany we have a thing called "Men's day" where we get a cart of beer and go to the middle of the forest just to do nothing at all for a whole day. Now THIS is what I call hanging out. I wonder if the culture is where the disconnect is coming from. EDIT: Although honestly pretty much every other country I lived in my life had a similar culture and... it was the rule as far as I could tell. EDIT 2: I also don't think you're a sociopath! Far from it! I just think you're someone who doesn't enjoy long aimless chats with unknown people.
- stcroixx 4y ago
  Me too. If someone always needs some activity/entertainment happening, that's just too high maintenance for me and I lose interest in spending time with them.
  - whstl 4y ago
    That’s a good way of putting it. I enjoy a board game once in a while, or doing some random sport, but when an activity is “mandatory” and the person is averse to anything else, it can be a bit much. In the end those relationships just fizzle out.

whstl 4y ago

This sounds so alien to me. Even as an adult I still hang out with my college buddies at least once a week, to do absolutely nothing, sometimes we'd go to bars, often just chat. My parents also do it with their limited circle of friends. Same with my sister and her group of friends, sometimes they include me too. I don't know where I stand on the extrovert/introvert continuum but boring clubs are definitely 10x more boring than just hanging out for me. And interesting ones aren't exactly for "just hanging out".

comfypotato 4y ago
I have a small network (I think science says it averages 6 people for most) with whom I’m comfortable killing time doing nothing. Unfortunately there aren’t really any mutual ties among them. It’s about the next tier of friends/acquaintances. Just hanging out with the next tier, for me, sucks. I have SO many things I would rather be doing than hashing out surface level conversations with anyone outside the network of 6 friends (who include my parents in my case). At the same time, social interaction of any kind is nice. If I can combine the things I like with “people” I will. Your comment strikes me as you being fortunate to have a group of close college friends around, and your parents/sister similarly being fortunate to have groups of people who mutually like each other enough to have fun hanging out. It’s also very relative. Before I developed the hobbies and interest that took me away from kicking it with roommates etc., kicking it was better than nothing. I say “sucks” in this relative sense. I just have stuff I really like doing now.
- whstl 4y ago
  Well, I'm fortunate, yes, but to be fair I'm up for hanging out with pretty much everyone. I hang out at work, at the co-working space we have with people I never talked before, with my neighbors, with my sister's acquaintances, with my dad's people. And all those people also seem to love "just hanging out", because they do. I also have plenty of hobbies, I have a band, soccer weekly with some folks, I also have a garden, I play video games with another buddy... My point I guess is that some people have a higher tolerance for hanging out with others, even unknown folks. I find that almost everyone has interesting stories to tell if you let them, and I enjoy hearing. I have my share of funny anecdotes too. I thought that's down to the introvert/extrovert spectrum but from your post it seems to be something else.
  - comfypotato 4y ago
    Ah, I have identified our disconnect. Our definition of hanging out is different. I’m going with “killing time” in a sense of hours at a time, which you definitely don’t do at work. Similarly, I doubt you often kill hours at a time with random people you don’t know or your neighbors. And your dad/sister’s people are different too if your dad/sister are there. Folks like me aren’t sociopathic lol. I like a good casual conversation with a neighbor when you happen to be getting the mail at the same time. I had a great conversation today with a stranger about Apple watches. It’s sitting in the garage with your roommates (and whoever else) for 6 hours on a Saturday smoking cigarettes talking shit that I’m highlighting as boring. (And the article is praising.) It’s not “lost” as the article states, I just have better things to do. And that used to be every Saturday for me (pandemic aside).
    - whstl 4y ago
      Nope. I definitely do kill hours at a time with people from work or people I never talked with. :D My team has weekly happy-hours which are obviously after hours (I honestly thought every team did it!), my landlady often invites us tenants a monthly dinner that goes into the night, I attend random Meetups and just stay for several hours chatting, I participate in our co-working space "parties" and stay until late with people I never seen. Heck, yesterday I went to a restaurant with my (recent) language class and we stayed until 2AM. Of course you can claim "this is not really hanging out, this is other stuff". I hate cigarettes and don't have a garage, but I guess drinking and random location is equivalent, as long as we chat for hours, so why not? But I definitely do not consider "chatting while picking up the mail" as hanging out. Not even in the same ballpark. In Germany we have a thing called "Men's day" where we get a cart of beer and go to the middle of the forest just to do nothing at all for a whole day. Now THIS is what I call hanging out. I wonder if the culture is where the disconnect is coming from. EDIT: Although honestly pretty much every other country I lived in my life had a similar culture and... it was the rule as far as I could tell. EDIT 2: I also don't think you're a sociopath! Far from it! I just think you're someone who doesn't enjoy long aimless chats with unknown people.
stcroixx 4y ago
Me too. If someone always needs some activity/entertainment happening, that's just too high maintenance for me and I lose interest in spending time with them.
- whstl 4y ago
  That’s a good way of putting it. I enjoy a board game once in a while, or doing some random sport, but when an activity is “mandatory” and the person is averse to anything else, it can be a bit much. In the end those relationships just fizzle out.