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If I never had a son, I would have never understood what boys go through. It's so fundamentally different than girls, it's hard to believe. Watching a part of

If I never had a son, I would have never understood what boys go through. It's so fundamentally different than girls, it's hard to believe. Watching a part of you grow up, learn, smile at you, its just something beyond what any words can describe. You want to protect them. You watch them closely. You slowly realize just how different your son is from yourself and your daughter. I still remember the first day he got a sports injury, and was trying so hard to not cry in front of his friends. Motherhood changed my life and opened my eyes a lot more.

kilgnad 4y ago
I understand. However, the emphasis of my question is on your current viewpoint of the feminist policies at the workplace. How has having a son changed that? Did it change it at all? When I was younger and older male mentor told me this. He told me that many people don't know this but while society paints a picture of men being bumbling fools trying to crack the code that is this mysterious creature called a woman, the truth is actually the other way around. Men understand women better than women understand men. He said that both sexes are equally complex and very different but the cultural stereotype occurs because men have a strong desire to understand a woman while women simply view men through the most stereotypical lens possible without caring to understand anything deeper. He told me that it is a mans job to take care of a woman, to look after her needs and to be her rock. He told me to never to fully reveal the full truth of what a man is to a woman... that a man is in actuality a creature who is sensitive... with wants and needs and vulnerabilities. He said not to reveal any of this to another woman because the relationship a man has with a woman is more like a father to a daughter, the father cannot reveal the full reality of what he is to his daughter because it is frightening to her to know the full truth of what he faces outside of her world. If part of this truth is revealed during courtship the woman will find this aspect of a man despicable and disgusting, and moves on to another man that appears stronger. He also said to not get confused when a woman says she wants a sensitive man. He stated that she doesn't want a "sensitive" man, mainly what she is saying is that she wants a man "sensitive" to her needs. He believed that women simply don't care to understand men for what they really are. They don't want to and they aren't suppose to either. I think by suppose to he meant that this is biology... standard human behavior. He did tell me that what he told me was just a generality. He said occasionally I might encounter a woman who truly understands the psychology of men and he said usually that woman is a mother who has a son and has seen what her son has to go through growing up. Your son hasn't fully grown up yet, so I don't know how much of this applies to you. If he were telling this to you, I think he would say that an aspect of your son lives inside your husband but your husband and every man is in actuality hiding this aspect from you and their respective spouses. Would you say this is true? Would a lot of what's going on with modern society simply a lack of understanding?
- stuckinhell 4y ago
  I think you are asking me a very emotionally charged and complex question, that I can't really answer over the internet. But I'm going to try . . . I stand by my original answer, having a son changed my perspective on boys/men for nearly everything. We are different. My view point on feminist policies changed because of my son, but also from my experiences in the real world outside of the university bubble. I was probably the most feminist in university, but softened heavily after my brother's suicide. Then working for a long time now, it's clear that 95% of women and men are just workers subject to whims of the rich in america. As to your specific points about men and women, I have no idea. I suspect the normal curve and percentages in relation to ones culture matter a lot there. But I do think there is bit of overthinking there. When a woman says she wants a sensitive man, the hidden part is she wants a sensitive and handsome man. I think this is the same for both women and men, but I could be wrong. When men say they want a "gamer"/"nerd"/"etc, I assume they also mean "x" and cute. Also I suspect the vast majority people women and men do not understand themselves. I work with very very smart people, but its extremely common to see people not understand their own emotional reactions, traumas and desires. I agree most standard human behavior is extremely selfish. If you understand this, its also clear why "asymmetrical" responses like what wpietri means are extraordinary dangerous to society. IMO modern society's biggest failure is thinking we are better than our predecessors. Modern society lacks understanding or refuses to admit our animal natures and worst behaviors need strong cultural safeguards to be reigned in. I don't think we will ever be able to force people to be enlightened and you can't force empathy. Sometimes I really fear I'm stuck in hell.
  - kilgnad 4y ago
    > I think you are asking me a very emotionally charged and complex question, that I can't really answer over the internet. The internet is the only place I can ask this question. I can't ask this to my gf or friends. Anyway thank you for your answer. > When men say they want a "gamer"/"nerd"/"etc, I assume they also mean "x" and cute. Yeah, your answer is satisfactory, I'll just touch briefly on this topic. There are differences in what you're referring to here. Male attraction is truly uni-dimensional. A woman who has a nice average personality and works at the grocery store as a clerk but is very attractive and cute is infinitely better than a high paid female lawyer who is also a gamer/nerd/etc and has a great personality but is only average looking at best. The key here is physical attraction, that is the only dimension where the grocery store clerk beats the lawyer and really the only dimension that matters to a man. I do not believe women share the same overtly narrow preference. So when a woman says she wants a sensitive man, I think she does place some importance in it, more so then a man would when he says he wants a "gamer" girl. I suspect some of the confusion arises from the fact that even though women are more multi-dimensional in their attraction preferences then men it does not mean they place less emphasis on physical attraction. No, women are so selective that many women often set a bar higher then men for physical attractiveness despite the more multi-dimensional nature of their attraction pallet. This is also an aspect of what I'm talking about. The scenario with the grocery store clerk is obvious to men, but I've often encountered women who simply don't get it. The concept was so foreign that they attempted to dispute with me what is in general just completely obvious to most men. Meanwhile, men more or less completely understand the complexity of female attraction preferences. Men all know about height, success, confidence and looks and how those are important to women and we're very clear about how these are different from what men want. It's one of the things my mentor was referring to when he said that men understand women better then women understand men.

kilgnad 4y ago

I understand. However, the emphasis of my question is on your current viewpoint of the feminist policies at the workplace. How has having a son changed that? Did it change it at all? When I was younger and older male mentor told me this. He told me that many people don't know this but while society paints a picture of men being bumbling fools trying to crack the code that is this mysterious creature called a woman, the truth is actually the other way around. Men understand women better than women understand men. He said that both sexes are equally complex and very different but the cultural stereotype occurs because men have a strong desire to understand a woman while women simply view men through the most stereotypical lens possible without caring to understand anything deeper. He told me that it is a mans job to take care of a woman, to look after her needs and to be her rock. He told me to never to fully reveal the full truth of what a man is to a woman... that a man is in actuality a creature who is sensitive... with wants and needs and vulnerabilities. He said not to reveal any of this to another woman because the relationship a man has with a woman is more like a father to a daughter, the father cannot reveal the full reality of what he is to his daughter because it is frightening to her to know the full truth of what he faces outside of her world. If part of this truth is revealed during courtship the woman will find this aspect of a man despicable and disgusting, and moves on to another man that appears stronger. He also said to not get confused when a woman says she wants a sensitive man. He stated that she doesn't want a "sensitive" man, mainly what she is saying is that she wants a man "sensitive" to her needs. He believed that women simply don't care to understand men for what they really are. They don't want to and they aren't suppose to either. I think by suppose to he meant that this is biology... standard human behavior. He did tell me that what he told me was just a generality. He said occasionally I might encounter a woman who truly understands the psychology of men and he said usually that woman is a mother who has a son and has seen what her son has to go through growing up. Your son hasn't fully grown up yet, so I don't know how much of this applies to you. If he were telling this to you, I think he would say that an aspect of your son lives inside your husband but your husband and every man is in actuality hiding this aspect from you and their respective spouses. Would you say this is true? Would a lot of what's going on with modern society simply a lack of understanding?

stuckinhell 4y ago
I think you are asking me a very emotionally charged and complex question, that I can't really answer over the internet. But I'm going to try . . . I stand by my original answer, having a son changed my perspective on boys/men for nearly everything. We are different. My view point on feminist policies changed because of my son, but also from my experiences in the real world outside of the university bubble. I was probably the most feminist in university, but softened heavily after my brother's suicide. Then working for a long time now, it's clear that 95% of women and men are just workers subject to whims of the rich in america. As to your specific points about men and women, I have no idea. I suspect the normal curve and percentages in relation to ones culture matter a lot there. But I do think there is bit of overthinking there. When a woman says she wants a sensitive man, the hidden part is she wants a sensitive and handsome man. I think this is the same for both women and men, but I could be wrong. When men say they want a "gamer"/"nerd"/"etc, I assume they also mean "x" and cute. Also I suspect the vast majority people women and men do not understand themselves. I work with very very smart people, but its extremely common to see people not understand their own emotional reactions, traumas and desires. I agree most standard human behavior is extremely selfish. If you understand this, its also clear why "asymmetrical" responses like what wpietri means are extraordinary dangerous to society. IMO modern society's biggest failure is thinking we are better than our predecessors. Modern society lacks understanding or refuses to admit our animal natures and worst behaviors need strong cultural safeguards to be reigned in. I don't think we will ever be able to force people to be enlightened and you can't force empathy. Sometimes I really fear I'm stuck in hell.
- kilgnad 4y ago
  > I think you are asking me a very emotionally charged and complex question, that I can't really answer over the internet. The internet is the only place I can ask this question. I can't ask this to my gf or friends. Anyway thank you for your answer. > When men say they want a "gamer"/"nerd"/"etc, I assume they also mean "x" and cute. Yeah, your answer is satisfactory, I'll just touch briefly on this topic. There are differences in what you're referring to here. Male attraction is truly uni-dimensional. A woman who has a nice average personality and works at the grocery store as a clerk but is very attractive and cute is infinitely better than a high paid female lawyer who is also a gamer/nerd/etc and has a great personality but is only average looking at best. The key here is physical attraction, that is the only dimension where the grocery store clerk beats the lawyer and really the only dimension that matters to a man. I do not believe women share the same overtly narrow preference. So when a woman says she wants a sensitive man, I think she does place some importance in it, more so then a man would when he says he wants a "gamer" girl. I suspect some of the confusion arises from the fact that even though women are more multi-dimensional in their attraction preferences then men it does not mean they place less emphasis on physical attraction. No, women are so selective that many women often set a bar higher then men for physical attractiveness despite the more multi-dimensional nature of their attraction pallet. This is also an aspect of what I'm talking about. The scenario with the grocery store clerk is obvious to men, but I've often encountered women who simply don't get it. The concept was so foreign that they attempted to dispute with me what is in general just completely obvious to most men. Meanwhile, men more or less completely understand the complexity of female attraction preferences. Men all know about height, success, confidence and looks and how those are important to women and we're very clear about how these are different from what men want. It's one of the things my mentor was referring to when he said that men understand women better then women understand men.