7 ms·

For young, single heterosexual men; cultivate deep platonic friendships with women. Get a hobby, do charity work, find something where you meet and become good

For young, single heterosexual men; cultivate deep platonic friendships with women. Get a hobby, do charity work, find something where you meet and become good friends with multiple women of different ages and backgrounds. Do not ever attempt to date any of these women. Why? Because most men know woefully few women, and your life will be much richer. A lot of men know very little about the experiences, fears, and hopes of women. Be there for them. Ask them for advice. Ask them for feedback on your appearance and your personality. Tell them your hopes and fears, and listen to their feedback. You'll become a much better partner because of it, and your romantic relationships will be far more satisfying.

jdthedisciple 4y ago
I'd say do that, but with men. Men of good character, morals, aspirations and goals. Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth. (Exceptions exists, but only confirm the rule)
- maCDzP 4y ago
  I disagree but I am curious, what makes you think it’s a myth?
  - jdthedisciple 4y ago
    First, thank you for asking, I already appreciate your constructive approach. Now I would like to be more precise: I assert that, at the very least, male-female-friendship is a deviation from the rule. I.e., it is not expected to work, but it can in some instances. Why? Because male and female are by default and by nature sexually attracted to each other, and if not then that is simply unexpected. In fact, there are studies where they made strangers simply look each other in the eyes for a little while. What happened was that some of them fell in love just by doing so. Put another way: Friendship means affection. There is no reason why such affection between a heterosexual male and female wouldn't eventually cross the sexual level of affection, at least for one of the two. It is simply to be expected more often than not. Thus it is expected that at least one of the two will - at least occasionally - have sexual fantasies about the other.
    - dijit 4y ago
      Not romantically or sexually attracted to my sister, my auntie, anyone too old for me, anyone too young for me, anyone who smokes, anyone who belittles waitstaff, peopke who overindulge (fillers, etc), people with hairy armpits, people who have strong masculine traits, people who do not wash to my standard etc;etc;etc; There's limitless numbers of people I am genuinely not attracted to, are you saying they can't be my friends either? Even the study you cite says “some” of the people started catching feelings. I much more readily believe that you are either attracted or you're not, and while thats subject to change with appearance changes and so on, it is basically normal to have people you’re not (and are extremely unlikely to be) attracted to.
      - jdthedisciple 4y ago
        Obviously excluding family, since I'm appealing to nature. You're not naturally sexually attracted to your immediate family members, i.e. it would be a deviation form the norm if that occurred. But I can't believe that's your best retort to my argument, when it should be quite obvious that's not what I'm referring to. And yes you may not be attracted to them, but that doesn't mean some of them aren't to you. Also it's important to understand I'm not saying you're immediately attracted to any female. That is not my argument. So it's pointless to point out you're not attracted to some random girl who smokes. I'm simply saying that given a male and female forming a friendship, there is every reason to expect that OVER TIME, at least one of the two's affection will reach sexual levels.
        dijit 4y ago
        My point was that there are plenty of people I’m not attracted to, not just family, whole entire categories of people. I am also not exactly attractive. So I see no reason to believe they are attracted to me. You just assume too much here for me to take it seriously. If you are saying, sincerely, that every woman I am friends with is secretly attracted to me then I’m going to have some really awkward conversations. I have plenty of friends who are women, it feels so ordinary that I can’t even imagine a world where this is not normal.
    - 4y ago
- duringwork12 4y ago
  I'm friends with most of my friends wife and most of my co-workers and honestly not super interested in banging any of them. I also have two female friends since childhood and we never done anything and we keep in contact even though we live in different states. Yey facebook!
- dijit 4y ago
  > Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth. I must tell my friends about this, they will be distressed.
  - jdthedisciple 4y ago
    I bet at least some of them will actually agree with me.
- fknorangesite 4y ago
  > Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth. Despite all the examples to the contrary? If anything you're telling on yourself, here.
- thfuran 4y ago
  That's not how confirmation works.
  - jdthedisciple 4y ago
    I mean you're right, but what I really meant is that exceptions don't disprove the rule which is based on sound reasoning (see my answer to the guy that actually asked)
- diordiderot 4y ago
  > Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth This is a not unusual opinion amongst Americans, and one I questioned myself, but I can assure you after moving to Europe its a cultural issue(especially in the south).
  - cm2012 4y ago
    Europe also has much higher infidelity rates, with France reporting over 37% of women (using women as an example since the data came up more easily) having had affairs compared to 13% in the usa.
    - yesenadam 4y ago
      (Not an expert) That stat would seem to show only that more French women admit having had affairs, not that more have had them.
- _zzaw 4y ago
  Don't mistake your own failings for universal ones.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - jdthedisciple 4y ago
    Cmon, what are you - a jellyfish?
    - _zzaw 4y ago
      I thought your initial comment—the one you deleted a minute after posting it, where you were boasting about how sexually attractive you are—had more personality tbh
      - jdthedisciple 4y ago
        You know I agree with you, but I figured the public wasn't ready for it. Thanks though!
kerpotgh 4y ago
[dead]
celim307 4y ago
This is great advice. Different voices educate you more about the world than the echo chamber. Plus you get approached a lot more by other women when they see you can treat women like humans and not objects
giantg2 4y ago
Eh, it depends. I don't really have many female friends and it hasn't seemed to be a negative. The biggest issue is that there are relatively few women interested in the same types of hobbies I have been. Also, shared interest is not as great a basis as shared context for building friendships. So the number of women who have the same interests and shared context are even lower. I have only a few close male friends and the rest are not that close. I don't think I have any close female friends, just some that are not that close. Many of those friendships die out when we leave the same school/team/club/etc. Needs or goals can get in the way too, especially when younger. Pretty much anyone who shares enough values/interests/context to become a really good friend ends up on the list of dating partners because they are such a good match. It makes sense in some ways since you don't want to miss a chance with someone who is such a good match, especially when that's rare.
- brailsafe 4y ago
  How do you know something isn't a negative if you can't test it?
  - giantg2 4y ago
    The same way that the other commentor contends it's a positive - anecdotal experience, plus a logical framework supporting it.
csomar 4y ago
A woman will very unlikely give you an honest advice. They are usually not made for that with friends. They usually just re-assure and "support" you. That's been my experience. There are two types of woman who will be-friend you platonically: Woman who are interested in you sexually as a partner and want to be close to your radar, just in case. Woman who are not interested in you but find value in your friendship (either connections, money, emotional support, etc...) In both cases, it's a bad deal for you. You are much better finding your own real partner instead of masquerading around other woman to forget about your lacking in that area. Friendships with woman do exist. But they are limited by the fact that man and woman have very different hobbies and interests. That is, unless you are interested spending Saturday evening looking out for the perfect face mask or the color of your jeans; and I don't mean that in a pejorative way.
- mif 4y ago
  Holy shit.
- adamhp 4y ago
  Holy shit you have not met many women.
  - bloopernova 4y ago
    I have been arguing with myself about replying to the comment you replied to. Good lord that person reveals a lot about themselves in it. And none of it is good. If they didn't seem to be angry, I'd pity them.
    - qup 4y ago
      Imagine if I summed you up based on only this comment and how you were publicly not-very-nice to a guy who volunteered his opinion/experience to further a discussion. Most importantly, you're just attacking a human being, you haven't even engaged with them.
  - padfootprong 4y ago
    Or people, by the looks of it.

jdthedisciple 4y ago

I'd say do that, but with men. Men of good character, morals, aspirations and goals. Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth. (Exceptions exists, but only confirm the rule)

maCDzP 4y ago
I disagree but I am curious, what makes you think it’s a myth?
- jdthedisciple 4y ago
  First, thank you for asking, I already appreciate your constructive approach. Now I would like to be more precise: I assert that, at the very least, male-female-friendship is a deviation from the rule. I.e., it is not expected to work, but it can in some instances. Why? Because male and female are by default and by nature sexually attracted to each other, and if not then that is simply unexpected. In fact, there are studies where they made strangers simply look each other in the eyes for a little while. What happened was that some of them fell in love just by doing so. Put another way: Friendship means affection. There is no reason why such affection between a heterosexual male and female wouldn't eventually cross the sexual level of affection, at least for one of the two. It is simply to be expected more often than not. Thus it is expected that at least one of the two will - at least occasionally - have sexual fantasies about the other.
  - dijit 4y ago
    Not romantically or sexually attracted to my sister, my auntie, anyone too old for me, anyone too young for me, anyone who smokes, anyone who belittles waitstaff, peopke who overindulge (fillers, etc), people with hairy armpits, people who have strong masculine traits, people who do not wash to my standard etc;etc;etc; There's limitless numbers of people I am genuinely not attracted to, are you saying they can't be my friends either? Even the study you cite says “some” of the people started catching feelings. I much more readily believe that you are either attracted or you're not, and while thats subject to change with appearance changes and so on, it is basically normal to have people you’re not (and are extremely unlikely to be) attracted to.
    - jdthedisciple 4y ago
      Obviously excluding family, since I'm appealing to nature. You're not naturally sexually attracted to your immediate family members, i.e. it would be a deviation form the norm if that occurred. But I can't believe that's your best retort to my argument, when it should be quite obvious that's not what I'm referring to. And yes you may not be attracted to them, but that doesn't mean some of them aren't to you. Also it's important to understand I'm not saying you're immediately attracted to any female. That is not my argument. So it's pointless to point out you're not attracted to some random girl who smokes. I'm simply saying that given a male and female forming a friendship, there is every reason to expect that OVER TIME, at least one of the two's affection will reach sexual levels.
      - dijit 4y ago
        My point was that there are plenty of people I’m not attracted to, not just family, whole entire categories of people. I am also not exactly attractive. So I see no reason to believe they are attracted to me. You just assume too much here for me to take it seriously. If you are saying, sincerely, that every woman I am friends with is secretly attracted to me then I’m going to have some really awkward conversations. I have plenty of friends who are women, it feels so ordinary that I can’t even imagine a world where this is not normal.
  - 4y ago
duringwork12 4y ago
I'm friends with most of my friends wife and most of my co-workers and honestly not super interested in banging any of them. I also have two female friends since childhood and we never done anything and we keep in contact even though we live in different states. Yey facebook!
dijit 4y ago
> Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth. I must tell my friends about this, they will be distressed.
- jdthedisciple 4y ago
  I bet at least some of them will actually agree with me.
fknorangesite 4y ago
> Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth. Despite all the examples to the contrary? If anything you're telling on yourself, here.
thfuran 4y ago
That's not how confirmation works.
- jdthedisciple 4y ago
  I mean you're right, but what I really meant is that exceptions don't disprove the rule which is based on sound reasoning (see my answer to the guy that actually asked)
diordiderot 4y ago
> Platonic friendship between men and women is a myth This is a not unusual opinion amongst Americans, and one I questioned myself, but I can assure you after moving to Europe its a cultural issue(especially in the south).
- cm2012 4y ago
  Europe also has much higher infidelity rates, with France reporting over 37% of women (using women as an example since the data came up more easily) having had affairs compared to 13% in the usa.
  - yesenadam 4y ago
    (Not an expert) That stat would seem to show only that more French women admit having had affairs, not that more have had them.
_zzaw 4y ago
Don't mistake your own failings for universal ones.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- jdthedisciple 4y ago
  Cmon, what are you - a jellyfish?
  - _zzaw 4y ago
    I thought your initial comment—the one you deleted a minute after posting it, where you were boasting about how sexually attractive you are—had more personality tbh
    - jdthedisciple 4y ago
      You know I agree with you, but I figured the public wasn't ready for it. Thanks though!

kerpotgh 4y ago

[dead]

celim307 4y ago

This is great advice. Different voices educate you more about the world than the echo chamber. Plus you get approached a lot more by other women when they see you can treat women like humans and not objects

giantg2 4y ago

Eh, it depends. I don't really have many female friends and it hasn't seemed to be a negative. The biggest issue is that there are relatively few women interested in the same types of hobbies I have been. Also, shared interest is not as great a basis as shared context for building friendships. So the number of women who have the same interests and shared context are even lower. I have only a few close male friends and the rest are not that close. I don't think I have any close female friends, just some that are not that close. Many of those friendships die out when we leave the same school/team/club/etc. Needs or goals can get in the way too, especially when younger. Pretty much anyone who shares enough values/interests/context to become a really good friend ends up on the list of dating partners because they are such a good match. It makes sense in some ways since you don't want to miss a chance with someone who is such a good match, especially when that's rare.

brailsafe 4y ago
How do you know something isn't a negative if you can't test it?
- giantg2 4y ago
  The same way that the other commentor contends it's a positive - anecdotal experience, plus a logical framework supporting it.

csomar 4y ago

A woman will very unlikely give you an honest advice. They are usually not made for that with friends. They usually just re-assure and "support" you. That's been my experience. There are two types of woman who will be-friend you platonically: Woman who are interested in you sexually as a partner and want to be close to your radar, just in case. Woman who are not interested in you but find value in your friendship (either connections, money, emotional support, etc...) In both cases, it's a bad deal for you. You are much better finding your own real partner instead of masquerading around other woman to forget about your lacking in that area. Friendships with woman do exist. But they are limited by the fact that man and woman have very different hobbies and interests. That is, unless you are interested spending Saturday evening looking out for the perfect face mask or the color of your jeans; and I don't mean that in a pejorative way.

mif 4y ago
Holy shit.
adamhp 4y ago
Holy shit you have not met many women.
- bloopernova 4y ago
  I have been arguing with myself about replying to the comment you replied to. Good lord that person reveals a lot about themselves in it. And none of it is good. If they didn't seem to be angry, I'd pity them.
  - qup 4y ago
    Imagine if I summed you up based on only this comment and how you were publicly not-very-nice to a guy who volunteered his opinion/experience to further a discussion. Most importantly, you're just attacking a human being, you haven't even engaged with them.
- padfootprong 4y ago
  Or people, by the looks of it.